Dealing with a Relationship that has Become Toxic

Me Too, every day I wake up it is another day in hell. I am by nature a quiet person. She wont stop talking, yelling screaming. Cussing me out everyday. I survive on ssdi and have no one to help me. I dont think I would last long in a shelter. getting scared. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up I can not take much more. She has no job and wont get one as long as my ssdi will cover the bills. I Hate This

Contact your local domestic violence organization or the national hotline. thehotline.org
Great support and resources. Sometimes when you are in this kind of stressful environment it is difficult to find a way out by yourself.

Hi, @jobycat . What an awful situation! How long have you been together? Are you married? I can understand wanting to bring an end to it by not waking up.

A good therapist should be able to help you navigate ending the abuse, whatever that looks like. My daughter is a counselor with a clinic in Washington, and has helped a lot of people who are going through such things as you are. There are resources available, for sure, and a counselor should be able to connect you.

Verbal abuse is catastrophic to self esteem, even subtle forms of abuse, as I know from unfortunate experience. PTSD from abuse in any form is a killer, but it's treatable. Therapy, medication, my service dog and my faith have combined to help me deal with the effects of PTSD.

I don't pretend to have easy answers for you - there probably are no easy answers. What I can do is offer encouragement as you proactively make changes to improve your situation. Have you ever kept a journal? I've done that sporadically, but it can be valuable to chronicle the daily trauma when it comes to getting treatment.

Have you been doing anything to stop the cycle of abuse or to end the toxic relationship? You do deserve to live in safety.

Jim

I have some medical trauma, and I never really speak up in medical settings.

Today after being on anti anxiety medication, I did. I told my psychiatrist all my symptoms of my OCD and anxiety and she wrote it down. I never do that. I always keep it to myself because I'm scared in some way.

The person that was with me was proud of me and gloated about how brave I was and my partner basically implied what I did was nothing and equated me to a scared dog at a vet.

Please don't say leave my partner because I can't but I feel awful. Like nothing I achieve matters. My trauma doesn't matter.

I’m saying this as a medical professional, f*ck your partner for that. What he said was out of line and dismissive as hell, and you’re allowed to tell him it hurt you.

What you did today wasn’t small. Speaking up like that, especially with trauma and OCD, goes directly against what your brain has learned to do. That takes real effort and control, that’s not nothing.

Some people downplay things they don’t understand. That doesn’t make it okay, but it can explain why he reacted that way.

It still doesn’t change the reality, what you did matters. It had SO MUCH weight.

You did something a lot of people struggle to do even on stronger anxiety meds. It’s the kind of progress clinicians wish they saw more often.

So sorry a person who is supposed to care about you and support you hurt you like that.
Please tell the therapist about it. Putting down the other person can be one step in an abusive relationship.
Maybe the dr will have some ideas about how to handle this relationship.
Maybe you can talk about why you feel you can’t leave the partner.
I’m glad you had someone with you who was supportive.

ehdog, I suspect that your partner feels personally threatened by exposure. They may know that you "can't" leave them. The fear is that change in you would alter the balance in your relationship.
You may be recognizing a pattern "nothing I achieve matters." Alternately it is a natural tendency to extrapolate when we are hurt. Who wants to be called a dog.
In this vignette I see him as the puppy in the corner crying in fear. Makes you want to pet them. Remember though, they bite.

@gently
Your last sentence is spot on. With dogs, there’s such a thing as a “fear biter”.
When one partner starts to change, frequently there’s resistance from the other. Sometimes this is workable, other times the changer needs to get out in order to get well. It has to be their decision and can be very scary and difficult.
I don’t know enough about this to say which.

@ehdog, God Bless you.

It's sad, but, often times people can put such a stigma on "OCD/Anxiety/Depression" if they do not have it and they think it's no big deal. It is a big deal. I'm so sorry you were hurt. I don't think your friend realizes how hard this was for you to speak up and share your heart.

I know someone that has battled this since they were a child and it's been so hard to for them.

I love what my Pastor said. The mind can get sick just like the body can! So true.

I am praying for you. I think you were very brave and I applaud you.

@covidstinks2023
It’s difficult enough to go through what we go through but even more difficult when you have a partner who doesn’t support you. Just take care of yourself and the hell what anyone thinks