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Dealing with a Relationship that has Become Toxic (Gaslighting)
My relationship which is an engagement has become toxic. He has become officially verbally and emotionally abusive and used gaslighting. I am a trauma survivor as well. I am also new to this group and a retired RN but there are so many red flags here beyond what I just mentioned especially during a pandemic and very unstable geo political situation. I have a plan already. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.Abuse is never the quote unquote victims fault . Yes I am also a survivor of domestic violence. My ACE score is 4.
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Me Too, every day I wake up it is another day in hell. I am by nature a quiet person. She wont stop talking, yelling screaming. Cussing me out everyday. I survive on ssdi and have no one to help me. I dont think I would last long in a shelter. getting scared. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up I can not take much more. She has no job and wont get one as long as my ssdi will cover the bills. I Hate This
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4 ReactionsContact your local domestic violence organization or the national hotline. thehotline.org
Great support and resources. Sometimes when you are in this kind of stressful environment it is difficult to find a way out by yourself.
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1 ReactionHi, @jobycat . What an awful situation! How long have you been together? Are you married? I can understand wanting to bring an end to it by not waking up.
A good therapist should be able to help you navigate ending the abuse, whatever that looks like. My daughter is a counselor with a clinic in Washington, and has helped a lot of people who are going through such things as you are. There are resources available, for sure, and a counselor should be able to connect you.
Verbal abuse is catastrophic to self esteem, even subtle forms of abuse, as I know from unfortunate experience. PTSD from abuse in any form is a killer, but it's treatable. Therapy, medication, my service dog and my faith have combined to help me deal with the effects of PTSD.
I don't pretend to have easy answers for you - there probably are no easy answers. What I can do is offer encouragement as you proactively make changes to improve your situation. Have you ever kept a journal? I've done that sporadically, but it can be valuable to chronicle the daily trauma when it comes to getting treatment.
Have you been doing anything to stop the cycle of abuse or to end the toxic relationship? You do deserve to live in safety.
Jim
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4 ReactionsSo I've been with my boyfriend for a while since I was in highschool
Since then we've had a very rocky relationship. I love him, but it's not perfect.
Since then he's done things to convince me or coerce me(?) into sexual acts.
He disrepects my boundaries, teases me and makes fun of me "as a joke" and I told him I don't like it. I would lash out at him when I felt unheard or angry. My boyfriend rarely yells but does things to make me feel unloved inore passive ways
Now we seem a bit better but he still teases me and disrepects my boundaries like touching my butt and pinching me. I tell him stop and he tells me I can say no but he does things without asking first. So I don't know. His friends, hearing me yell once, after he had come home from shopping (I can't leave the house) and didn't get me anything to eat. I called him considerate (wasn't yelling atp) and told him to leave me alone (my room my only safe place as I have bad agoraphobia so I couldn't leave my room) He wouldn't leave and wouldn't listen to me and so then I started yelling. His friends heard me and said I
was abusive.
Or this one time my dog got hurt so I put on what I could find and insisted we go to the vet and I was sobbing. He told me he wouldn't take me until I calm down and get dressed better. My dog is ok
Yesterday I was explaining something and he wasn't hearing me and I felt annoyed so I cursed at him
Or I ask him to do something and he doesn't do it and gets annoyed with me when I ask him and he still doesn't do it so I end up getting frustrated with him.
Or the time that I needed him to go to the mailroom
for a package Keep in mind I CANNOT GO INTO THE MAILROOM I'm literally not allowed. He goes for me and he does not look well. There's a pattern of him coming back and saying no package but there's like 5 in there. I got mad at him and lashed out and there truly wasn't a package. I felt awful and apologized.
I lash out because he doesn't take me seriously or takes my feelings lightly and it reminds me of when my abusers would do that to me
I just feel like I have to rely on him a lot and he doesn't put the effort to help me. I'm disabled and I need him but I feel like he doesn't care but I'm still scared I am abusive
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1 ReactionThis sounds like a really messy dynamic where both of you have ended up hurting each other, but there are some clear issues on his side that stand out.
He’s touching you after you’ve said no, teasing you after you’ve made it clear you don’t like it, and doing things like pinching or grabbing without asking. Even if he calls it “joking,” it isn’t okay once you’ve said stop. Ignoring that repeatedly is a consent issue.
The situation with your dog also wasn’t handled in a healthy way. Support shouldn’t be conditional like that, especially when you’re dependent on someone for help.
Your reactions, yelling, cursing, lashing out, seem to be coming from feeling ignored, frustrated, and powerless. That doesn’t make you “an abusive person,” but it does mean the dynamic between you is escalating in a way that isn’t good for either of you. It sounds like you’re reacting in moments where you feel unsafe, unheard, or stuck. That can still make conflict worse, but it doesn’t make you the problem here.
What actually matters more than labeling yourself is looking at things like:
Are your boundaries being respected consistently?
Do you feel safe saying no without consequences?
Is help being used as support, or as control?
Are conflicts building up because needs aren’t being addressed early?
This will not be fixed by blaming yourself.
You both likely need support, but the big non negotiable is that your boundaries need to be respected. You are NOT abusive. You are rightfully reactive.
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4 Reactions@ashlynnmae
Am I still reactive if I'm acting this way in situations that don't require it?
Id understand if he was actively crossing my boundaries but yesterday should have been a normal argument but I blew up
He's changed a lot for the better but I still lash out.
Yes, that’s still reactive. It means your emotional response is coming on fast and strongly in situations where the level of intensity doesn’t really match what’s happening.
It sounds like your system is interpreting normal disagreements as something more threatening because of what’s happened before, so it can shift quickly into anger, yelling, or snapping. That doesn’t mean it’s okay, but it does help explain why it happens.
Given his past of not listening, crossing boundaries, and making you feel stuck, it makes sense that your brain learned to stay on alert. Even if things are better now, your body can still react like it’s dealing with the old version of things.
That doesn’t make you abusive. It shows a stress response that’s running high and getting triggered easily.
It’s his responsibility to show you that those reactions aren’t needed anymore, and from what you’re describing, he doesn’t seem to be doing that, or at least not consistently.
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2 Reactions@ashlynnmae
He is trying. He's changed a lot of things. He's acknowledged basically what you said like why I responded was his fault but that's why I posted because he's been doing better.
Alot of this stuff is from months ago so I'm worried.
His change is actually real and not fake like in the past
@ehdog
I’m glad he’s changed and taking accountability, but that doesn’t make your reactions abusive. Your nervous system just hasn’t fully caught up yet, and that can take time.
It doesn’t make you abusive. It never will. You’re not abusive, and it’s better not to label yourself that way.
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2 Reactions@ashlynnmae
It's better to not label myself as abusive because I'm not that or because it's not good to call yourself that?
I just can't get over his friends.