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Dealing with a Relationship that has Become Toxic
Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: May 6, 2024 | Replies (51)Comment receiving replies
So I've been with my boyfriend for a while since I was in highschool
Since then we've had a very rocky relationship. I love him, but it's not perfect.
Since then he's done things to convince me or coerce me(?) into sexual acts.
He disrepects my boundaries, teases me and makes fun of me "as a joke" and I told him I don't like it. I would lash out at him when I felt unheard or angry. My boyfriend rarely yells but does things to make me feel unloved inore passive ways
Now we seem a bit better but he still teases me and disrepects my boundaries like touching my butt and pinching me. I tell him stop and he tells me I can say no but he does things without asking first. So I don't know. His friends, hearing me yell once, after he had come home from shopping (I can't leave the house) and didn't get me anything to eat. I called him considerate (wasn't yelling atp) and told him to leave me alone (my room my only safe place as I have bad agoraphobia so I couldn't leave my room) He wouldn't leave and wouldn't listen to me and so then I started yelling. His friends heard me and said I
was abusive.
Or this one time my dog got hurt so I put on what I could find and insisted we go to the vet and I was sobbing. He told me he wouldn't take me until I calm down and get dressed better. My dog is ok
Yesterday I was explaining something and he wasn't hearing me and I felt annoyed so I cursed at him
Or I ask him to do something and he doesn't do it and gets annoyed with me when I ask him and he still doesn't do it so I end up getting frustrated with him.
Or the time that I needed him to go to the mailroom
for a package Keep in mind I CANNOT GO INTO THE MAILROOM I'm literally not allowed. He goes for me and he does not look well. There's a pattern of him coming back and saying no package but there's like 5 in there. I got mad at him and lashed out and there truly wasn't a package. I felt awful and apologized.
I lash out because he doesn't take me seriously or takes my feelings lightly and it reminds me of when my abusers would do that to me
I just feel like I have to rely on him a lot and he doesn't put the effort to help me. I'm disabled and I need him but I feel like he doesn't care but I'm still scared I am abusive
Replies to "So I've been with my boyfriend for a while since I was in highschool Since then..."
Yes, that’s still reactive. It means your emotional response is coming on fast and strongly in situations where the level of intensity doesn’t really match what’s happening.
It sounds like your system is interpreting normal disagreements as something more threatening because of what’s happened before, so it can shift quickly into anger, yelling, or snapping. That doesn’t mean it’s okay, but it does help explain why it happens.
Given his past of not listening, crossing boundaries, and making you feel stuck, it makes sense that your brain learned to stay on alert. Even if things are better now, your body can still react like it’s dealing with the old version of things.
That doesn’t make you abusive. It shows a stress response that’s running high and getting triggered easily.
It’s his responsibility to show you that those reactions aren’t needed anymore, and from what you’re describing, he doesn’t seem to be doing that, or at least not consistently.
Have you gone for counseling? I would strongly suggest that.
Have you considered couples counseling? You can find a counselor who will do it online. My daughter and son-in-law are currently doing this over zoom. Any qualified counselor might be able to teach you both better ways to communicate with each other.
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This sounds like a really messy dynamic where both of you have ended up hurting each other, but there are some clear issues on his side that stand out.
He’s touching you after you’ve said no, teasing you after you’ve made it clear you don’t like it, and doing things like pinching or grabbing without asking. Even if he calls it “joking,” it isn’t okay once you’ve said stop. Ignoring that repeatedly is a consent issue.
The situation with your dog also wasn’t handled in a healthy way. Support shouldn’t be conditional like that, especially when you’re dependent on someone for help.
Your reactions, yelling, cursing, lashing out, seem to be coming from feeling ignored, frustrated, and powerless. That doesn’t make you “an abusive person,” but it does mean the dynamic between you is escalating in a way that isn’t good for either of you. It sounds like you’re reacting in moments where you feel unsafe, unheard, or stuck. That can still make conflict worse, but it doesn’t make you the problem here.
What actually matters more than labeling yourself is looking at things like:
Are your boundaries being respected consistently?
Do you feel safe saying no without consequences?
Is help being used as support, or as control?
Are conflicts building up because needs aren’t being addressed early?
This will not be fixed by blaming yourself.
You both likely need support, but the big non negotiable is that your boundaries need to be respected. You are NOT abusive. You are rightfully reactive.