You've Lost that Loving Feeling 🎶

Please don't have a pity party. At least you know that what is happening is less about the shared relationship you once had, and more about his condition. Those brain changes that cause them to withdraw, or think people are stealing or hurting them. I watched my neighbor, with dementia, and her inability to show affection, even losing her ability to smile. A vacant face over time, that didn't display any emotion. Please know you are loved, even though that love can't touch you in the way you long for. I used to pull out pictures with my neighbor, of she and I, cooking together, our turkeys, her antipasti, to try to bring her to some display of affection. Different from the touch of a spouse you long for, but still one of longing for their connection. Best, Karla

@judimahoney I am in a similar situation. It’s been over 2 years for me without the “marital affection” one would expect from a husband. It’s a surprisingly stark difference from our prior relationship because my husband’s love language was always physical touch, before the progression of the Parkinson’s and Lewy body dementia.
I am 12 years younger than my husband and feel sad that I am spending this time of my life as a celibate caregiver for someone that can no longer offer me any basic human empathy, much less physical affection and intimacy. As much as I miss the feeling of physical love, I don’t try to encourage it with him beyond hand holding when guiding him in strange places, quick hugs, and a kiss (peck) in the morning and at bedtime. He seems to be happy with that and it feels uncomfortable to me to try to push for more, when he is cognitively compromised. While he seems satisfied, I am not, if I am being honest. I feel trapped in this situation without any acceptable alternatives. I’m honestly not that physically attracted to him at this point, without him being fully and mentally present. I’ve always been more attracted to the mental and emotional aspect and then that can create the environment for a physical relationship to develop. Others have suggested getting a “man friend” to support this part of my life, but honestly I am too exhausted to invest the emotional energy to even consider that option and feel it would potentially create more problems than it would solve. Besides, I love my husband and made a vow and want to uphold that. But is the person I made the promise to even still there?
I am sorry that I don’t have any better advice or guidance for you and also if my post offends anyone in any way. I just wanted to let you know that I understand to some degree what you may be experiencing and would love to hear any advice or feedback that others may have to offer.

Unfortunately I’m in just the opposite situation, my husband and I were separated when he was first diagnosed and I soon realized he could not live alone so I moved back in. In the last few months he has become very clingy and affectionate. I always hug, kiss or hold his hand whatever he wants, however his other traits remain the same, so there are days it takes all my strength. I am also 12 years younger some days I feel angry, some days sad, however I have an obligation to take care of him so I just live day to day and look for the bright spots. I know this won’t help your situation, but know that you are not alone in this, if nothing else you have all of us to vent with 💜💜💜

judimahoney, I wholeheartedly encourage you to party. And join you in good spirit.
You left me https://www.youtube.com/watch

Judi, your post really resonated with me. Sadly, I lost that loving feeling well before my husband's dementia diagnosis. He had prostate cancer surgery 25 years ago, and out sexual intimacy was greatly impacted. However, I had married him not only because of sexual attraction but because of his intellect and our shared interest in so many things. Now, due to dementia, much of that has gone as well, and as others have mentioned, signs of affection or empathy have gradually disappeared as the disease has progressed. This is a lonely road we have to travel!
As far as the need for physical touch is concerned, I've found that regular massages can help. But the best thing is to have a cuddly dog 🙂

Judimahoney: I can relate and agree that humans need the sense of touch. Scheduling a massage and enjoying the intense relaxation and warmth from the masseuse’s hands felt wonderful, both physically and emotionally. I felt human again & it encouraged me to accept invitations to get out with people. Perhaps this suggestion may make a difference in your life.
Don’t expect it to be a replacement for the love one in your life. That has its special place in your heart.
Find ways to be happy! Hug, Bette

@dbamos1945
Hi Bette:
I actually did treat myself to a massage last month, for the first time in decades. Ahhhhh!

@ret2tus
Yes, cuddly dog (Freja) is the best!

@ret2tus I second the cuddly dog idea!!! I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get at least a couple of snuggles from our dog.

@mm180
I understand and respect your approach to this new reality.
My first wife who died from Pancreatic cancer after 39 years together and now my current wife of 14 years with vascular dementia and Parkinson's is indeed a mental , physical , moral challenge at this stage of life. UGH.
I said " till death do us part" and wish to abide by that promise, even while sitting alone at "the pub restaurant in our community, I take a zine to read and also to send the message to the women who wish to "connect" or engage in a relationship. No Thank you, other than a brief conversation.... And many don't wish to chat about Foreign affairs or the international state of the world.
I know I am the "odd duck" but such is this new life. WE must keep plowing ahead.