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You've Lost that Loving Feeling 🎶
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: 5 days ago | Replies (13)Comment receiving replies
@judimahoney I am in a similar situation. It’s been over 2 years for me without the “marital affection” one would expect from a husband. It’s a surprisingly stark difference from our prior relationship because my husband’s love language was always physical touch, before the progression of the Parkinson’s and Lewy body dementia.
I am 12 years younger than my husband and feel sad that I am spending this time of my life as a celibate caregiver for someone that can no longer offer me any basic human empathy, much less physical affection and intimacy. As much as I miss the feeling of physical love, I don’t try to encourage it with him beyond hand holding when guiding him in strange places, quick hugs, and a kiss (peck) in the morning and at bedtime. He seems to be happy with that and it feels uncomfortable to me to try to push for more, when he is cognitively compromised. While he seems satisfied, I am not, if I am being honest. I feel trapped in this situation without any acceptable alternatives. I’m honestly not that physically attracted to him at this point, without him being fully and mentally present. I’ve always been more attracted to the mental and emotional aspect and then that can create the environment for a physical relationship to develop. Others have suggested getting a “man friend” to support this part of my life, but honestly I am too exhausted to invest the emotional energy to even consider that option and feel it would potentially create more problems than it would solve. Besides, I love my husband and made a vow and want to uphold that. But is the person I made the promise to even still there?
I am sorry that I don’t have any better advice or guidance for you and also if my post offends anyone in any way. I just wanted to let you know that I understand to some degree what you may be experiencing and would love to hear any advice or feedback that others may have to offer.
Replies to "@judimahoney I am in a similar situation. It’s been over 2 years for me without the..."
@mm180 I feel your pain. I am in the exact same situation with my husband. I really miss the physical aspect of our previous relationship. I feel the same about finding what I miss outside of our marriage. I don't want someone else. I want to honor our marriage vows. I don't think there is a substitute for what we had. Period. I choose to be satisfied that we had a great physical relationship for over 35 years and even without the dementia, the active sex life that we once had would have changed with age and/ or an illness such as prostate cancer surgery which just about ended his physical ability to participate in some ways. It is what it is. Now I have to be the one to initiate a hug or kiss and I am grateful that he still responds positively to that although yesterday after I gave him his good morning kiss he asked me "what was that for?" I told him it was because I love him. I hope he understood what I was saying.
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@mm180
I understand and respect your approach to this new reality.
My first wife who died from Pancreatic cancer after 39 years together and now my current wife of 14 years with vascular dementia and Parkinson's is indeed a mental , physical , moral challenge at this stage of life. UGH.
I said " till death do us part" and wish to abide by that promise, even while sitting alone at "the pub restaurant in our community, I take a zine to read and also to send the message to the women who wish to "connect" or engage in a relationship. No Thank you, other than a brief conversation.... And many don't wish to chat about Foreign affairs or the international state of the world.
I know I am the "odd duck" but such is this new life. WE must keep plowing ahead.