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Dealing with anger in someone with dementia: How do you respond?

Posted by diverdown1 @diverdown1, May 26 9:37am

Hi. I am on several of these groups. I have found them so helpful. My mother just turned 83 and was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago. She is getting worse fairly quickly. My brother and I are taking her back to the psychiatrist soon. She is on a patch, and I can't remember the name. The issue I am having is that she is still the same mom I grew up with, dysfunction and all, however, as an example, she calls me about 3-4 times a day. Yesterday, she called me very pissed off about her air conditioner. We are in the process of getting it fixed. She got so angry with me that she hung up on me. This has happened several times. I get off the phone and I experience anger, sadness, and stress. Then she will call back an hour later and have no memory of hanging up on me or even calling. It is so difficult. I know some of you probably experience these same scenarios. Any suggestions? Is there a virtual support group that I can join? As a person in recovery, I know that shared experiences do help.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

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jeanadair123 | @jeanadair123 | Jun 1 4:47pm
In reply to @tunared "Welcome to this horrible trip they call dementia/Alzheimers, a trip NO ONE wants to go on..." + (show)
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Welcome to this horrible trip they call dementia/Alzheimers, a trip NO ONE wants to go on but we have no choice. I've been married to my best friend and lover for 57 years. Up until about 14 years, we've had an awesome marriage with a lot of laughs and great experiences and have 2 fantastic kids. Now, I can look forward to my wife not knowing me every afternoon (and sometimes mornings too). She gets very angry and even physically tries to hurt me because she doesn't know me/wants me to leave her house. (Because of our different sizes, she could never physically hurt me.) Sometimes she doesn't want me to touch her medicine because I know nothing about her medication or condition. Sometimes I can redirect/divert her attention and sometimes I ask my son or daughter to call her. She ALWAYS knows their voice and they can get her to calm down. calmed down enough to take some medicine. my respite is when she goes to Easter Seals day care during the week from 9:00 to 3:00. but what I ALWAYS think about when she doesn't know me is HOW SCARED SHE IS ....NOT KNOWING WHO THIS GREAT BIG GUY IS AND WHY IS HE IN HER HOUSE. Wouldn't you be scared to if some big person you didn't know is walking around your house?
My wife sometimes calls my phone 15- 20 times a night and leaves a message asking "when will I be home?". And she never remembers calling me.
I consider myself lucky, in that if one of us has to have this horrible fnnn disease, then it's safer for her to have it. I will ALWAYS LOVE HER because for over 40 years, she gave me her love, laughs and awesome experiences.

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@tunared I have been married 45 years and until a few years ago had the perfect life, husband, marriage and everything else. My husband spoiled me and took care of me by loving me and giving the support I needed. Ours was the perfect marriage. As the years go by I am seeing the changes, when it’s good it’s like before and when it isn’t I feel I am on my own, I am exhausted from doing everything but at the same time grateful he does the dishes not always with soap which becomes an issue. Things get misplaced all the time I am tired of being 10 steps ahead. I have no me time he wants to go everywhere with me even if he doesn’t get out the car which is more lately. My friends are all out enjoying their lives while I sit at home with him. I listen to their trips and envy them. I am having a really bad day and find that even though I would doing anything for my husband who is 9 years older I think of maybe in the future that I will get to travel again also which means I will be doing it on my own not what we had planned. Although recently I read an article that said most caregivers die first, that really helped my moral.
Of course tomorrow hopefully will be a better day? Thanks for listening

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DanL | @tunared | Jun 1 5:28pm
In reply to @jeanadair123 "@tunared I have been married 45 years and until a few years ago had the perfect..." + (show)
Profile picture for jeanadair123 @jeanadair123

@tunared I have been married 45 years and until a few years ago had the perfect life, husband, marriage and everything else. My husband spoiled me and took care of me by loving me and giving the support I needed. Ours was the perfect marriage. As the years go by I am seeing the changes, when it’s good it’s like before and when it isn’t I feel I am on my own, I am exhausted from doing everything but at the same time grateful he does the dishes not always with soap which becomes an issue. Things get misplaced all the time I am tired of being 10 steps ahead. I have no me time he wants to go everywhere with me even if he doesn’t get out the car which is more lately. My friends are all out enjoying their lives while I sit at home with him. I listen to their trips and envy them. I am having a really bad day and find that even though I would doing anything for my husband who is 9 years older I think of maybe in the future that I will get to travel again also which means I will be doing it on my own not what we had planned. Although recently I read an article that said most caregivers die first, that really helped my moral.
Of course tomorrow hopefully will be a better day? Thanks for listening

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@jeanadair123 , my 1st suggestion; don’t listen to your friends. it’s tough but if listening to them makes you unhappy, don’t do it. focus on your husband and yourself. 2nd; my experiences with housekeeping is the same as yours. I’ve gotten to the point where i set the dishwasher so that i am there to put everything away.
3rd; put yourself in his shoes, where he is forgetting where everything goes and maybe even you at times. how would you feel?
think of all the good/great times you two have had before this fnnnn disease ruined your life.

REPLY
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DanL | @tunared | Jun 1 5:46pm
In reply to @jeanadair123 "@tunared I have been married 45 years and until a few years ago had the perfect..." + (show)
Profile picture for jeanadair123 @jeanadair123

@tunared I have been married 45 years and until a few years ago had the perfect life, husband, marriage and everything else. My husband spoiled me and took care of me by loving me and giving the support I needed. Ours was the perfect marriage. As the years go by I am seeing the changes, when it’s good it’s like before and when it isn’t I feel I am on my own, I am exhausted from doing everything but at the same time grateful he does the dishes not always with soap which becomes an issue. Things get misplaced all the time I am tired of being 10 steps ahead. I have no me time he wants to go everywhere with me even if he doesn’t get out the car which is more lately. My friends are all out enjoying their lives while I sit at home with him. I listen to their trips and envy them. I am having a really bad day and find that even though I would doing anything for my husband who is 9 years older I think of maybe in the future that I will get to travel again also which means I will be doing it on my own not what we had planned. Although recently I read an article that said most caregivers die first, that really helped my moral.
Of course tomorrow hopefully will be a better day? Thanks for listening

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@jeanadair123
i didn’t mean tobe so negative about your friends but THEY Don’t have a clue what you are going through and no matter what they say, they will not know what you are going through!

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jeanadair123 | @jeanadair123 | Jun 2 1:00am
In reply to @tunared "@jeanadair123 i didn’t mean tobe so negative about your friends but THEY Don’t have a clue..." + (show)
Profile picture for DanL @tunared

@jeanadair123
i didn’t mean tobe so negative about your friends but THEY Don’t have a clue what you are going through and no matter what they say, they will not know what you are going through!

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@tunared One of my friends mother had Alzheimer’s, another has Parkinson’s, RA and prostrate, another prostrate cancer it seems all of my friends are going through something right now it’s just that they are at a point in there life where some of them can still travel whereas it would be difficult for us, since my husband not only has had cancer 3 times but broke 3 of his vertebras and is currently going through shots again, I myself have had cancer 3 times. Maybe I shouldn’t have said envious I am not sad just unhappy that we can’t go although we travelled a lot in the past. I find there isn’t any point discussing his dementia there is nothing they can do but they are there if I need them. It’s like cancer if you haven’t had it you can’t understand someone who has. I don’t mean this to sound bad but we have a good life I just have to get through the bad days.

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