Grief support: Anyone experiencing anticipatory grief?

@elliottw At one month, it's early days. I think feelings of guilt are an inevitable part of being married to someone with Alzheimer's, not so much guilt about what we might have done but about what we think we should do, or what we think others think we should do. I know several spouses who have cared for their partners at home, usually with some sort of in-home care, and from the comments I hear, they're much admired for this. There's something that seems heroic about being a hands-on caregiver but, personally, I think it can be a kind of virtue signaling. Maybe I feel guilty for not feeling guilty for putting my husband in a senior facility and now memory care, yet I know it was absolutely the right thing for both of us. He had a serious fall last August that put him in the hospital. After that, it was abundantly clear that I couldn't bring him home, as I'd intended to do. It turned out to be a fortunate fall, because a decision was made for me by circumstances. I was able to find an excellent facility that is affordable (more or less) and has a fantastic staff. Elliott, you are not responsible for your wife's condition. You've made a brave decision by accepting the inevitable, so don't feel guilty, feel proud of what you've been able to do. None of this is easy, but piling on guilt is counterproductive. I wallowed in it for a long time, especially when my husband begged to come home every time I visited him. That was really hard. When you're in the midst of a crisis, it's hard to believe life will ever be any different. Intellectually you may know, but emotions have a way of taking over. But time really does help. Think back of all the heartbreaks and disappointments you've endured in your life. You made it through those. This is a big one, but when the end point comes, you'll know you did all you could and it was the right thing. (You must realize I'm talking to myself here as well as to you.)

My husband is in week 8 of memory care and now he is saying “ I gotta get out of this place. “ makes me sad but I am also trying to have some sort of life back. I was visiting every day and now taking a couple days off. The activities don’t match him. He hates arts and crafts. I just printed 200 activities but honestly with his Lewy Body and AD he gets distracted and angry. The staff do not push him to do anything because they are screams of his agitation. He is on some meds and they are careful with them as they want him to be himself which is social, wanting to exercise, and also anxious and bored at times.
It is so tough to visit.
I’m starting to take him out to dinner or activities in Independent living.
I move to the CCRC in August. I’ll be in IL apartment a half a mile away.
He is safe. Eats well. But is in a beautiful unit with 10 little old ladies and 2 other men who don’t talk.
Friends want to visit but he doesn’t want them although he does enjoy the residents around the other levels.
I watched Robins Wish last night about Robin Williams last days- memory loss, anxiety, sadness, and finally suicide. They found out his diagnosis of LBD after he died. They did not have skin biopsies then.
I leave and say “” I love you” and my husband says “ Sure you do…” sarcastically. This is so hard.

@judimahoney Thank you for reminding me what I mentioned to a family member, before my love, Tom, passed away, about getting involved in a group or becoming an advocate for LBD and/or becoming a volunteer in some capacity with Alzheimers Association. It'll just take some time for me to get out there..cuz just like I used to say to Tom..."there's no hurry, this isn't a race" And he seemed to appreciate that everytime I said that 🙂
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
Strength, Peace, Love and Hugs

@maryvc Before Memory Care (BMC?) One of our routine conversations went, "I want you to take me to the people across the street who stole my clothes." And I would say, "How about we do it this afternoon after lunch at In-N-Out?" and she would nod 'ok' and then say, "I hate you." and I would say, "I love you too."

@maryvc
I have been worrying and wondering how you are making it out since the move to memorycare. I have been told it takes a minimum of 6 weeks for settling in and the grief of transition can be most hard! Mary, he is in good care and you NEED time to actually live a life without 24/7 caregiving!
I am still doing the 24/7 but a brief trip to the beach for the two of us with our youngest gave me a well needed buffer. I came home with more insight and strengh to go on. I am praying for you♥️