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Grief support: Anyone experiencing anticipatory grief?
I've been coming here for a couple years now asking and giving advise and/or suggestions to others' concerns and experiences and am wondering if there is a grief support system after losing a spouse to dementia? My husband is still here physically, but I've recently had to place him in a long term care facility 3 hours away and I'm having a really hard time dealing with all this. We started out on this journey 5 years ago... he's now 64 and I'm 60. I once heard someone say they looked forward to the day of relief from all the day to day challenges of caregiving, but then comes grief from relief, and that's what I'm experiencing now and was hoping there is a grief support here. Thanks
Strength, Love, Hugs to all
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@bayviewgal You have given such a wonderful account of your husband and your short marriage! I’ll bet you were THE couple that everyone admired! They are probably asking, “what is their secret.”?
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1 Reaction@bayviewgal l understand what you're feeling, though my husband isn't in memory care yet, just independent living with Care and his words and memories are melting like an ice cube on a hot sidewalk. I've been visiting him in his retirement home everyday since he suffered a bad fall a couple of months ago and spent a month in the hospital and rehab before going to the care home, and I'm not doing well either. I'm depressed and lonely and wonder what the rest of my life will be like. I'll be 80 in January, and, believe me, being 80 is no joke. I'm not ready to throw in the towel and "go gently into that good night." I want to live a little while I can and I feel selfish and guilty for feeling that way. My poor husband, who was a PhD from Stanford, an athlete, and an all-around fun guy, is now at about the level of a five-yr. old. I feel so incredibly sorry for him and want to be with him but there are days--and more nights--when I feel like I'm drowning. I have no advice. I don't believe there's anything anyone could say that would make this easier. Just hold onto friends you can confide in. If you have kids, don't expect them to fully understand or be able to help, even if they want to. They just don't know what this is like and why should they? I'm so sorry for your loss, for that's what it is, and, like you, I have to believe that with time this will get easier.
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6 ReactionsI was taking care of 2 people with dementia. My father who was diagnosed with dementia some time after my mother, went fast. My mother's dementia had been handled relatively well with meds, the progression slowed dramatically. My father had vascular dementia and a variety of things that come along with aging. My mother and I cared for my father and of course, I had to keep an eye on my mother. She had moments where dementia-related symptoms had to be handled. My father finally lost his battle - it was coronary artery disease that killed him.
My mother had to be placed in a nursing home. She is alive and well. It devastates me to this day that she is in a home. We were at the point where she would get out at all hours of the day. I did not have anybody help me overnight - I did not think I could reasonably ask someone to keep an eye on her while I slept. My sleep was gone. My mother would walk out the door at all hours. Taking a shower was a huge risk. She could walk out at any time and endanger herself. She was a fast walker and quite fit since she has always been a person of regular exercise.
It feels like a huge betrayal but she has a lot of company and she is watched over 24-7. She has gained some weight but I think that is because she does not walk around as much - maybe pacing but when she was under my direct care we would walk a lot. She would still feel the need to pace. I still feel guilty but she is receiving a ton of care.
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5 ReactionsI know I have anticipatory grief. I want this to end but it won't until he is gone. Then when he is gone I will never ever see him again, never lie next to him in bed, never smell him, never hear his heart beat when I put my head on his chest. So I take every opportunity to tell him that I love him, hug him, kiss him and rub his back. He still enjoys these affections and responds in kind. I am hanging on to every shred of the man I have loved for 45 years.
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6 Reactions@pamela78
Pamela
It's a hard thing however you are not alone. I had the same thing: hospital, rehab to memory care. He was a danger to himself and others even if it wasn't everyday it was just too much to deal with day to day.
Do I feel peace with him in the memory care ? Well, I know he is not going to up to the attic and take the a/c apart or dismantle the breaker box. Of course all of this could be explained by him but one day it wouldn't be ok. You deserve to be happy and to enjoy the time you have left on this earth so take it. There is no time machine that's going to correct this we can only move forward and that was the agreement when we were born. It's been 5 months and I see him everyday unless I want to do something special for me.
There is no right answer. Just be here now my dear and take care and love yourself.
Sending you positive energy ✨✨✨
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8 Reactions@tself Thank you for your kindness. It means a lot.
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