Grief support: Anyone experiencing anticipatory grief?

Sorry to read about your situation. I was sole caregiver for my wife of 72 years - for six years. I've been grieving her now for a little over five months, and wishing that I was still doing all the things I did while caring for her. I've now Joined three grief support functions - one a weekly group meeting, a once monthly zoom meeting and a person to person weekly telephone call from a member of my wife's former hospice team. So far the weekly group meeting has been most helpful.
I had to place my wife in a Memory Care facility just one month prior to her passing last Dec. and I feel guilty for doing so, but had no choice, considering that my ability to continue the number of transfers (wheelchair to and from bed or toilet) were putting both of us in danger of falls and serious injury. My health was failing (91 YO) and I was not able to find a support agency that would meet my needs of six to eight hours a day split shifts (just to cover the times when transfers were needed). Why I mention that is because that last month in a facility was not a very happy experience for her, and I feel a lot of guilt for not being able to care for her that last month - although I did spend every day, for as long as I could with her - it was only a 20 minute drive each way.
As to the grief support, as I noted the weekly group meetings have been most helpful for me, I actually look forward to them, they are the only social life I have right now. Although my family does support me, telephone calls every day from children and grands, a weekly visit from a daughter and a meal out once in awhile. However, and maybe it's just me, but I'm not comfortable sharing my grief with family. So....the only time I actually "let it out" is with others who are experiencing the same feelings - the group is strictly for those who have lost a spouse or partner, as is the zoom meetings.
Of course this site has also allowed me to share and hopefully be of some assistance to others, by sharing my experience down this very sad path.
All the best to you and your husband, hope you find the right support when the time comes - in the meantime, take care of yourself so that you are able to take care of him. It sound as though you are doing the right thing with all of the love and kisses - there can never be enough!

Sorry to read about your situation. I was sole caregiver for my wife of 72 years - for six years. I've been grieving her now for a little over five months, and wishing that I was still doing all the things I did while caring for her. I've now Joined three grief support functions - one a weekly group meeting, a once monthly zoom meeting and a person to person weekly telephone call from a member of my wife's former hospice team. So far the weekly group meeting has been most helpful.
I had to place my wife in a Memory Care facility just one month prior to her passing last Dec. and I feel guilty for doing so, but had no choice, considering that my ability to continue the number of transfers (wheelchair to and from bed or toilet) were putting both of us in danger of falls and serious injury. My health was failing (91 YO) and I was not able to find a support agency that would meet my needs of six to eight hours a day split shifts (just to cover the times when transfers were needed). Why I mention that is because that last month in a facility was not a very happy experience for her, and I feel a lot of guilt for not being able to care for her that last month - although I did spend every day, for as long as I could with her - it was only a 20 minute drive each way.
As to the grief support, as I noted the weekly group meetings have been most helpful for me, I actually look forward to them, they are the only social life I have right now. Although my family does support me, telephone calls every day from children and grands, a weekly visit from a daughter and a meal out once in awhile. However, and maybe it's just me, but I'm not comfortable sharing my grief with family. So....the only time I actually "let it out" is with others who are experiencing the same feelings - the group is strictly for those who have lost a spouse or partner, as is the zoom meetings.
Of course this site has also allowed me to share and hopefully be of some assistance to others, by sharing my experience down this very sad path.
All the best to you and your husband, hope you find the right support when the time comes - in the meantime, take care of yourself so that you are able to take care of him. It sound as though you are doing the right thing with all of the love and kisses - there can never be enough!

Hi all,
My situation is a little different than but similar to dementia. My 59 year old hubby, diagnosed with Gliablastoma on March of this year, ( worked until 3 days before the diagnosis) and know in a hospice care with no time and place perception, short tem memory is gone, speech is gone, can't move legs and right arm only way to express himself is cry, now. I had family members with dementia. My husbund gon through the way dementia patiens experience in 5-10 years in just 2 months. I am watching loosing him everyday. Each day is significantly different from the day before. I am struggling dealing with the situation. We have been married 35 + years

@mavish -I’m so sorry you are going through this sad situation…my husband’s MCI is worsening and we lost our son last Fall to Glioblastoma, so your note really spoke to me. I hope you have family and friends for support. Sending prayers to you and your husband.

@fred1 I lost my husband to this horrible disease in February and i'm still very numb from it all. The last 6 months of his life ( 1 week on hospice before his passing) were the hardest because I had to admit him to the VA hospital for his care because I could no longer manage his violent physical outbursts. and wasn't able to visit him as much as I wanted, due to him being 2.5 hours away, all while caring for my 98 year old mom. I haven't sought any support groups (yet) other than the support of my friends and family. They have been great by listening and just let me cry, vent, be angry, etc but I know I need the support of others who have experienced the same as me and vice versa but im just not there yet and really don't know why? Maybe because I don't want to re-live what this did to us? And just want to hold onto the (short-lived) memories I have? We met in 2011 and married in 2020 and he was diagnosed in 2021. I have all this time on my hands now without having to worry about him or keeping my life on hold TO take care of him ( which I would do all over again). Because while he was still here, I had a purpose to get up every morning... now I'm trying to find a purpose now. Yes, I still have my mom here, who by the way is still very mobile..can do her own laundry, sews, makes rosaries, still involved with her lady's group with lunches and other outings, so yes, that is a purpose as well,, but it's just not the same. I dont' feel like I'm needed as much and I want that feeling back, as wierd as it may sound. Because if I could be the caregiver to him again, that means he would still be here, I miss him SO very much every day and not sure how to go forward without him. Maybe over time I will seek our a support group.
If anyone has advice/suggestions for the grief I'm experiencing I would appreciate it!
Love and hugs to all

@bayviewgal l understand what you're feeling, though my husband isn't in memory care yet, just independent living with Care and his words and memories are melting like an ice cube on a hot sidewalk. I've been visiting him in his retirement home everyday since he suffered a bad fall a couple of months ago and spent a month in the hospital and rehab before going to the care home, and I'm not doing well either. I'm depressed and lonely and wonder what the rest of my life will be like. I'll be 80 in January, and, believe me, being 80 is no joke. I'm not ready to throw in the towel and "go gently into that good night." I want to live a little while I can and I feel selfish and guilty for feeling that way. My poor husband, who was a PhD from Stanford, an athlete, and an all-around fun guy, is now at about the level of a five-yr. old. I feel so incredibly sorry for him and want to be with him but there are days--and more nights--when I feel like I'm drowning. I have no advice. I don't believe there's anything anyone could say that would make this easier. Just hold onto friends you can confide in. If you have kids, don't expect them to fully understand or be able to help, even if they want to. They just don't know what this is like and why should they? I'm so sorry for your loss, for that's what it is, and, like you, I have to believe that with time this will get easier.

@pamela78
It's May now and my husband is in memory care. He's forgotten everyone in the family except for me and he doesn't remember my name. He's doing well in memory care, better than I'd expected, and he seems to accept his situation. I wouldn't say he's happy and neither am I about what's happening, but he's doing better--even if he's worse, and I'm doing better too. I'm cutting back on those daily visits, in part so he'll bond with the folks where he is and in part because I need/want to get at least some of my life back. Our situation is going to become more and more common as the baby boomers age and live longer, so we must come to grips with dementia as individuals and as a society. There are times when I feel like Sandra Bullock in that movie where she's adrift in space and I don't want to drift away from life before I have to. The practice of suttee in India solved the "problem" by having widows, those extraneous women, join their deceased husbands on the funeral pyre. I want to do what I can and what's right and kind, and I also want a full life in the years I have left. Courage.