Partner developing memory issues

Posted by jannew @jannew, Oct 6, 2025

Hello everyone, I am new to this site as I look for some information, advice, and support with my husband's changing memory issues. I have read many of the posts and appreciate the sharing of stories and the compassionate help provided. This may be quite long, but here goes!
My husband is 76, I am 74. Over the past three to four years, I have noticed his occasional unusual memory lapses, which I had hoped was normal, age related memory loss, though I was concerned. For instance, we have walked our dogs on the same daily route for many years, and several trees were cut down around the corner from us. We love trees and were sorry to see them go. A week later, I commented on how I missed the trees, and he said there had been no trees there. This was a very different kind of forgetfulness in that he simply had no concept of there ever having been trees there before. Life moves on, and occasional things happened, like forgotten conversations. But in recent weeks these incidences have become rapidly more common, almost daily, and my husband gets frustrated and angry with me as I try to figure out what is going on. A few days ago, he told me "Hannah's car is parked outside". I said " who's Hannah?" (we don't know a Hannah). I looked puzzled and after a few back and forth questions and answers, as he got increasingly frustrated with me, I realized he was talking about our neighbor Rachel, who we know well, socialize with, and talk to often during the week. When I asked if he meant Rachel, he looked confused and said, yes, it is Rachel...who's Hannah? Also I'm now regularly seeing forgotten conversations about anything from casual to important, forgotten by the next day.
I was able by chance to talk alone with his PCP, who was subbing for my PCP for a check up I was having. He asked if I wanted to get my husband in for testing, but I'm not sure if we are there yet. For one thing, he denies that has memory issues, and insists that I am wrong. It is also the case that this is not all the time, and he frequently has a better memory than I do. Some days are fine. But I don't forget conversations or the names of people in our close circle, or to get the chickens in at night, which he has done for 30 years.
I am feeling anxious and with a sense of dread as things are quickly changing. I have a lot of lifetime experience with dementia.
My grandma and mother-in-law both developed dementia and both suffered for 15+ years. I was not the primary caregiver but the daughter of one and daughter-in-law of the other, and was a support, shoulder to lean on, and compassionate listener for most of my 20's and 30's, and then my 50's and 60's. My husband was primarily responsible for his mother's care for the last years, although she was not living in our home. Both ladies followed a similar path, becoming verbally abusive and physically aggressive and violent, to the extent of causing injury to family, caregivers, and other residents in memory care. It was indescribably hard. And I know you will know this.
My support is limited, our few remaining friends are older than we are and are having significant health, and beginning memory issues of their own. They need our help. We are emotionally close to our daughter but she is 400 miles away with a new baby, and I know this is not her burden to bear. I know I need to learn to accept what is happening, but the realization is only just hitting me, and based on my past experiences I am feeling stressed and terrified.
So that is my story. Thank you for reading and listening. I so appreciate that you are here.

J.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

Profile picture for Jake @jakedduck1

@saskatchewanlady
I believe first and foremost you need to get your anxiety and depression under control since both may be causing memory issues. They can cause concentration issues that lead to poor formation of memories.
If you are having seizures you'd likely know it. If you're having tonic clonic seizures, you would end up on the floor or ground somewhere most likely be sore perhaps have a bitten tongue and/or cheeks, which would be very painful perhaps lose control of your bladder and/or bowels and sleep after. If you're having absence seizures, you may not be as aware of your seizure since you just stop doing whatever you're doing one second and a few seconds later or a minute you would just resume doing what you were doing previously with no memory of the incident so it's often difficult to tell unless someone can see you having one and may say you look as though your daydreaming, if you're having focal awareness seizures, you would be aware or perhaps have an episode of déjà vu, if you're having focal impaired seizures, you would lose consciousness most likely and if you had an aura prior you may see/hear/taste/smell things that aren't there or at least know somethings not right. But a lot of seizure medicines cause memory issues as well so hopefully your not having seizures.
ECT can cause memory problems also but I don't know if they can be permanent, they are usually only temporary.
What do the doctors say regarding causation? Have you had any indication of seizures? Had a brain MRI or CT or an EEG. Although seizures would probably be better diagnosed with a history. Half the tests for seizures are generally normal but normal tests don't rule out seizures.
Take care,
Jake

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@jakedduck1 you have given me a few great ideas and I will talk to my family doctor about possible seizures but not one of my doctors have mentioned it in the past. I am quite surprised about that too. Thank you for all the advice I do appreciate it.

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Profile picture for annpeters @annpeters

@saskatchewanlady i’m not sure if this will be helpful but a doctor told me if you’re concerned about your memory you don’t have dementia. I try to keep that in mind for myself. I also just try to reassure myself that everybody gets forgetful at times. Stress aggravates everything so I pray that you will not worry so much.

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@annpeters your ideas have been very helpful and no one has ever mentioned small seizures before. Thank you for such good feedback

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Profile picture for Jake @jakedduck1

@ehdog
Like others have already mentioned memory issues are a very common problem in epilepsy? Not only the seizures themselves that can cause problems, but seizure medicine as well. Many epilepsy people also have aphasia which is a language disorder. It can cause people to lose track of words, sentences, and phrases.
I've had epilepsy for 60 years and after I was woken up from an eight month long induced coma I had lost every memory I ever had and to this day none of those memories have ever returned.
Repeated or uncontrolled seizures can lead to cumulative damage.
Newer generation drugs like Lamictal and Keppra are much less likely to effect memory.
What medications is he taking for seizure control. Are his seizures controlled?
Take care,
Jake

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@jakedduck1
I never thought about the possibility of memory loss after having seizures taking pre-surgory meds. That can explain a lot. I wonder if I loose some memory after fainting and hitting head hard?
So very sorry you have been tortured for 60 years enduring epilepsy. I could not imagin.
I believe I have the start of aphasia. I just assumed it was part of my severe dyslexia.

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Profile picture for Sue, Volunteer Mentor @sueinmn

@joannlakes55 How can we help today? Can we point you to care near you, help you find a support group, or offer encouragement?
Do you have someone living with you who can help get you started?

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@sueinmn Im fighting this battle alone, in NJ. I was diagnosed 2001, right after 9/11 I flew to LA to see Dr. Jay Goldstein.

All the great doctors are gone now. My Primary said " if I cant see it, I cant treat it ".
I told her that's my whole f$*kng disease.

Now its just my neurologist who prescribes gabapentin. Im lost after I weaned myself off pain meds. A week later I swallowed a bottle of pills. Obviously it didn't work.

I am NOT depressed, I have SEVERE ME and NO support, no friends, no family, no medical support.

Help! PS I am an MSW myself. Dont suggest therapy

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Profile picture for susanfrei @susanfrei

@sueinmn Im fighting this battle alone, in NJ. I was diagnosed 2001, right after 9/11 I flew to LA to see Dr. Jay Goldstein.

All the great doctors are gone now. My Primary said " if I cant see it, I cant treat it ".
I told her that's my whole f$*kng disease.

Now its just my neurologist who prescribes gabapentin. Im lost after I weaned myself off pain meds. A week later I swallowed a bottle of pills. Obviously it didn't work.

I am NOT depressed, I have SEVERE ME and NO support, no friends, no family, no medical support.

Help! PS I am an MSW myself. Dont suggest therapy

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@susanfrei Have you considered joining the members of this Mayo Connect discussion?
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/mecfs/
I understand that you are frustrated, but I don' agree that "...All the great doctors are gone now..." - you just haven't found the resources yet. Have you checked into this clinic:
https://www.uhnj.org/department/neurosciences/chronic-fatigue-fibromyalgia-syndrome-center/

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