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Husband developing memory issues
Hello everyone, I am new to this site as I look for some information, advice, and support with my husband's changing memory issues. I have read many of the posts and appreciate the sharing of stories and the compassionate help provided. This may be quite long, but here goes!
My husband is 76, I am 74. Over the past three to four years, I have noticed his occasional unusual memory lapses, which I had hoped was normal, age related memory loss, though I was concerned. For instance, we have walked our dogs on the same daily route for many years, and several trees were cut down around the corner from us. We love trees and were sorry to see them go. A week later, I commented on how I missed the trees, and he said there had been no trees there. This was a very different kind of forgetfulness in that he simply had no concept of there ever having been trees there before. Life moves on, and occasional things happened, like forgotten conversations. But in recent weeks these incidences have become rapidly more common, almost daily, and my husband gets frustrated and angry with me as I try to figure out what is going on. A few days ago, he told me "Hannah's car is parked outside". I said " who's Hannah?" (we don't know a Hannah). I looked puzzled and after a few back and forth questions and answers, as he got increasingly frustrated with me, I realized he was talking about our neighbor Rachel, who we know well, socialize with, and talk to often during the week. When I asked if he meant Rachel, he looked confused and said, yes, it is Rachel...who's Hannah? Also I'm now regularly seeing forgotten conversations about anything from casual to important, forgotten by the next day.
I was able by chance to talk alone with his PCP, who was subbing for my PCP for a check up I was having. He asked if I wanted to get my husband in for testing, but I'm not sure if we are there yet. For one thing, he denies that has memory issues, and insists that I am wrong. It is also the case that this is not all the time, and he frequently has a better memory than I do. Some days are fine. But I don't forget conversations or the names of people in our close circle, or to get the chickens in at night, which he has done for 30 years.
I am feeling anxious and with a sense of dread as things are quickly changing. I have a lot of lifetime experience with dementia.
My grandma and mother-in-law both developed dementia and both suffered for 15+ years. I was not the primary caregiver but the daughter of one and daughter-in-law of the other, and was a support, shoulder to lean on, and compassionate listener for most of my 20's and 30's, and then my 50's and 60's. My husband was primarily responsible for his mother's care for the last years, although she was not living in our home. Both ladies followed a similar path, becoming verbally abusive and physically aggressive and violent, to the extent of causing injury to family, caregivers, and other residents in memory care. It was indescribably hard. And I know you will know this.
My support is limited, our few remaining friends are older than we are and are having significant health, and beginning memory issues of their own. They need our help. We are emotionally close to our daughter but she is 400 miles away with a new baby, and I know this is not her burden to bear. I know I need to learn to accept what is happening, but the realization is only just hitting me, and based on my past experiences I am feeling stressed and terrified.
So that is my story. Thank you for reading and listening. I so appreciate that you are here.
J.
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@jannew welcome (if that’s the right word). Wow, you’ve had a life full..
I’m sorry it has come into your personal space. I went through similar feelings and circumstance with my husband. It’s hard to cross that line if going to the Dr. ‘Am I right? Am I wrong? Does he have MCI?” I just jumped over the line and made an appointment with a neurologist (after repeatedly bringing up my concerns to my husband) and he agreed to go, it was to ‘prove me wrong,’ tho.
So we are moving along with the diagnosis of MCI, some good days and some so so, but for now he is doing pretty well. I have never been around dementia or Alzheimer’s, so I am trying to immerse myself in researching the internet, webinars, group caregiver meets and on and on.
I wish you well and I’m here if you need me. We all are.
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3 ReactionsI don’t see any harm coming from a doctors visit. Might find something you didn’t know before
Sometimes cognitive issues are related to treatable conditions like vitamin deficiencies, fluid on brain, medication, etc. so to me ruling out causes was important. Plus, depending on the cause, there are new treatments for Alzheimer’s. (Infusions) With this hope, early diagnosis is important, imo.
Since you are familiar with caregiving someone who has dementia, you understand what that entails. It’s brutal, so I understand your dread. But, you do have time to gather info, plan, get legal documents in place (do that immediately) and get the options to help you. Talk therapy helped me both times I did it.
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3 ReactionsThere is a long list of medications that can cause this. My husband has MCI, but one new prescription sent him straight to Lewy Body Dementia symptoms. It was a horrible period in our lives because it was so sudden. His sleep neurologist figured it out and helped me wean him off the drug. Within days he was back to baseline.
I then weaned him off of other unnecessary prescriptions. His PCP supported me on that project.
Has your husband started any new prescriptions? I would go to an appointment for this reason alone.
He may not like it, my husband was very vocal about letting everyone know there is nothing wrong with him and he just was there because his wife insisted! But you do need to know and plan.
It’s so hard getting older!
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3 ReactionsSo sorry you are going through this. I agree with several others, early diagnosis helps to rule out other issues that could be showing up as dementia.
As far as the emotions, they are tough, real and valid. All of them. It helps being able to share - helps you to express and helps others. You are not alone.
Hoping you are able to find just the right window to talk to your husband when he is most receptive.
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1 ReactionHi J:
I get the dread and anxiety, it's stressful. The best defense I guess is education, and sounds like you have experience, and getting support (even if virtual).
Not much advice, I just get it, too and wanted to offer a virtual hug. 🫂
@lkbous
Thank you! I feel a breath of relief after reading the comments and receiving hugs from the community. Feeling that you are not alone really helps. Yes, the "Am I right?" hesitancy is there for me, but I do think I am right... I may need a bit of time to get a better measure on things and have more examples to bring up with my husband as he will be hard to convince, but definitely will take your advice and arrange for testing. I understand that he truly thinks I am the one with the memory problem, but also would understand his not wanting to go anywhere near this after his experience with his mom. Thanks again, so helpful, and best wishes for you and your husband as you journey on, J.
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1 Reaction@laura1970
Thank you for your reply, Laura, it was a big relief to hear from members of the communiy and know I am not alone. Yes, you are right. I think I may need a bit of time to get more a of a measure on what is happening as it will be hard to convince my husband, but yes, we need to do this. He is on several commonly prescribed medications and doesn't sleep well, it would be good to get to the bottom of things. J.
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1 Reaction@celia16
Hi Celia, thank you for your reply, it felt like a huge sigh of relief to hear from members of the community and know I am not alone. Yes, absolutely important to rule out other potential causes, my husband is on several commonly prescribed meds and doesn't sleep well, neither optimal for cognitive function. I think I may need a bit more time to get more of a measure on this as my husband will be hard to convince, he thinks I am the one with memory problems, but definitely this is where we need to go. Very wise words, thank you...J.
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1 Reaction@lkbous @jannew
I welcome you too, as a newcomer to this group. I too didn't know what to do with my husband who wasn't remembering things, his refusal to see any doctor, his strange quirky ways for the last year, one day miraculously okay, the next, not so good. So, I wrote a note in the portal to our primary care in August 2025 and told her the things he was doing and my concern. And that I was worried that what he was experiencing wasn't age related. She set up an appointment with the nurse practitioner to see us both, and I told him that we were both going to the doctors', to make sure we were okay. When we got there, I had practiced all night what I was going to say, so I didn't make him angry....I remember writing it down.....we both had been under a lot of stress, that both of us were forgetting things from time to time, possibly due to all that stress, maybe the load of having to move out of our house for mold and living out of boxes, etc. That nothing felt normal now. I remember looking at him, and telling him that I loved him, that I never wanted anything to happen to him, and that if anything was wrong, we owed it to each other to help each other, why we were sitting at the doctor's that day.
I looked at my husband and told him that I loved him, that I was genuinely worried, that I did notice a change in him, and that I wanted to catch it early. So, they did blood work on me, and told him, that it wasn't unusual for patients his age, to forget, but that they were going to do a test to determine if there might be more there. She told him, if there was more there, it was good that he came in, because the earlier the findings, the earlier the doctor could address things. After that doctor tested him, told him he showed some memory issues (but mild), and not unusual for his age, but that she wanted him to see a neurologist for further testing.
So we walked downstairs and booked an appointment that same day with a neurologist. Since then, the doctor did the testing, diagnosed Mild Cognitive Impairment, and one month later he started the lequembe infusions. He's had 4 of them to date. He now tells our adult children that the infusions are important because they are going to remove his plaques. He's positive even over his MRI yesterday reading all the medical terms yet telling me he was fine. So, we're hopeful. Although I go in and out of naturally being frightened and feeling so alone. I know one thing: I'm so glad I had the courage that day to write the doctor in the portal. I hope this helps as to the timing on when to reach out to a doctor. The sooner you know as a spouse that something isn't right with your loved one, is the time, I think, we do something to slow any progression down. I hope this helps.
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