Helping adult son who has depression

I have fought ADHD, depression and anxiety. A friend suggested a therapist that provides an alt treatment, using a device called an Alpha Stim. https://alpha-stim.com/
I was skeptical of the device at first but since buying it due to lack of insurance coverage, I never leave home without it. I use it for anxiety but it also works for depression, and insomnia.

Medication is easy to get but has long term side effects, dependence. Seeing the side effects to breast cancer treatment, everything else I do is fight. You have to admit there is a problem which takes much self awareness.
Start with therapy first, before jumping into medications.

@crabby55
Gosh, I wish I had something to
suggest. It’s a shame he didn’t make a friend in his group - that’s where I met my best friend of all time and we are still friends some 52 years later. She is now 91 and I am 80. My writing group gives me great satisfaction as do the nature and history groups I attend (I force myself to go as I am a solid introvert). i know it is good for me and I learn a lot). If you could find some groups to take you out of yourself, that would be so helpful.

Your husband has to decide for himself whether he wants to live or die. By that I do not mean suicide. But lots of people die before they breathe their last breath. You have to decide whether you want to stay or go.

I’ve had cancer three times and nearly died in the hospital with pneumonia. I would rather die with one of those than deal with this depression. Mine came on when I was 16. 64 years. I have a wonderful dog I love very much. But when she goes, I won’t stay around very long because the last light will be gone from my life. That is how serious this depression is for me. Your husband may be feeling the same way. Read this to him and ask him what he plans to do. He badly needs medical care. To go on as he is now, is very dangerous. It’s so easy to slip over the edge.

Please write when you feel up to it. I will do the same.

Dolly

I am s

I am going to share my story with you. The one thing I will say is you cannot push, push, push to force him into seeking help. My story:

I have an adult son (26) who has ASD, ADHD, anxiety and depression (diagnosed at age 10). He has been in a spiral for about 6 years now, do to a very traumatic event that had a negative impact on us both. I have gently suggested he go see somebody for help. His response was he doesn't want to be on medications as they don't let him feel. Recently, things have gotten more mentally stressful for both of us. I have been seeing somebody and am on meds. I suggested, about 2 weeks ago, he go see somebody. I brought the intake forms home with me. He finally filled them out acknowledging he needs to do something.

@crabby55 You didn’t mention you married a man who at 65 had never been married before. I think that fact along with fact he has ignored his depression his entire life leaves you very few options.
My first thought is for you to cut your losses and leave the marriage. Obviously you are younger and deserve to be happy. From what you tell me that happiness will elude you if you stay in this relationship. People don’t change at 65 unless they have some incentive to change. Unfortunately it sounds like your husband enjoys being miserable.
Good luck to you but don’t ruin the rest of your life living with a lost cause. Life is too short. It is time for an either or conversation. Either he allows you to help him or you leave.
Sorry to be so blunt but someone has to want to change and he doesn’t seem to want to change. His Doctor seems totally over his head.

@daveshaw thanks Dave. I do get it. We went together for 13 years before marrying. The big change came upon his retiring. He is 8 years older than I am.
I do consider my options. Fortunately I did quite intensive therapy after my divorce. I did learn to truly think about what I am compromising and why. I do lead a very independent life. I had just imagined things would be more shared or having companionship. Again, I do have a very full life and many good friends. In my therapy I did learn I don't want to be "in the taking care of" business. I know some view that as cold or hardcore. I do take care of myself. It's not always easy. I appreciate honesty and bluntness.
ps. I have told him he is married to his depression.

@crabby55 Good for you because your husband is very similar to my mother. She lived with depression all her life affecting not just herself but our entire family. This was a very selfish act and when I developed depression and tried to get her help she refused. Instead she medicated with alcohol and made my childhood very unpleasant.
Live your life and let him suffer from depression. You have done all you can because he has to want to help himself. Obviously he doesn’t choose to.
Good luck to you.

@kmw92366 it sounds like he has taken the first step but you are right that it has to be his decision.
Depression is very debilitating and I can appreciate him wanting to feel. I would hope if he takes the next step he tries several SSRI’s until he finds the one or ones that work for him.
Since it can take up to six weeks for an antidepressant to start working this can be very frustrating. I believe there are tests that could point him in the right direction as far as what might work best for him.

@crabby55

May 19 from conniey
There are effective treatments for depression. Since your husband seems to have severe (clinical) depression, he should definitely be seeing a well trained psychiatrist. Often patients with depression get prescriptions for psychotropic meds from a primary care provider, including anti-depressants. A good psychiatrist is much better qualified to prescribe these medications, and to help your husband determine effective doses. Often patients are helped by a combination of different medications. Again, an experienced psychiatrist will have much more expertise in exploring combinations of different medications, in order to help your husband to feel better, than a primary care provider. Of course, it will be important that he take the medication as prescribed, and he should be monitored by the psychiatrist on a regular basis. Your husband can also discuss any side effects of the medications with his treating psychiatrist. If he will sign a release, then you can also talk to his psychiatrist about his care, and ask the psychiatrist questions about your husband's treatment. You can also give the psychiatrist valuable information about what you have observed with regard to your husband's mood, and his struggles.

A good psychotherapist, seen on a regular basis, should be consulted for ongoing therapy. You might have to let your husband "shop around" for a therapist he feels comfortable with, and one who can provide helpful and effective therapy. Of course, he will probably want to look for a therapist who is covered by his health insurance.

Regular exercise is usually helpful to people suffering from depression. It takes persistence and determination for a depressed person to get plenty of exercise, even when he/she does not feel motivated to get exercise. The patient often has to push himself/herself to get exercise often, and for long enough periods of time. You might be able to start by going on walks outside with him, in order to encourage him to get exercise. That is an area where your participation and encouragement could be helpful.

For yourself, you might want to look into what is offered in your area by the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Disorder Support Alliance -- http://www.dbsalliance.org) and by NAMI -- The National Alliance for Mental Illness. The DBSA has support groups, for patients, and also for the family members and loved ones of patients, all over the country.

NAMI is also a nationwide organization, with many support groups. NAMI (www.nami.org) also offers a 12 week course titled "From Family to Family", which is for the family members of those with major mental illnesses, to help them learn about the illness, and also to help them learn coping skills. You can check the web site to find out when the next Family to Family course will begin in your area, and sign up to enroll. As far as I know, there is no charge for this 12-week course.

Both NAMI and the DBSA offer support groups for patients. These groups are usually facilitated by a trained volunteer. It might be helpful to your husband to join such a support group, and attend on a regular basis. He could "shop around" by attending different support groups in your area, before deciding which one or ones he would like to join and attend on a regular basis. Tha patients in these support groups often help and support each other. Sometimes, lasting friendships are developed in a support group.

@conniey Thanks for the info. My husband just had a zoom meeting with a psychiatrist and was accepted into their program, whatever that may be. He doesn't share much info. I'm not sure if he had had his in person meeting yet.

I have gone to different NAMI groups. I did learn some useful information. I will look up DBSA. Have never heard of them. Actually will connect on your link when I finish writing this. Thanks again.