1. < Caregivers: Dementia
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My frustration is off the charts

Posted by grace4u @grace4u, Apr 27 9:18pm

My husband MCI diagnosed a year ago.… Memory loss, confusion, and processing issues. On top of that, his hearing is bad, even with hearing aids. And he does have focal seizuresat times. The tension in our house is constant.. my husband is unaccepting to all of this. If I raise my voice so he can hear, he gets angry. If I ask him to get a ride to a doctor appointment so I can have a break, he gets angry. ( he is not allowed to drive). If I point out some confusion or processing issue, he gets angry. He says I’m just making too much of all of this. Some days I don’t know how to deal. The confusion is extreme some days. Last week I felt some anxiety starting. Too many days without a break. Anyone experience anything like this? Any thots?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

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georgescraftjr | @georgescraftjr | May 6 7:46pm
In reply to @shmerdloff "@georgescraftjr "undeserved"? recognition? Last time I looked, the kind of love that generates that kind of..." + (show)
Profile picture for shmerdloff @shmerdloff

@georgescraftjr
"undeserved"? recognition?
Last time I looked, the kind of love that generates that kind of commitment and service is very high up on the Love ometer. I do suppose it could be lower, on a mere sense of duty, even (omg) pity, but why not go higher. and higher, and higher. Jackie Wilson
Bruce Springsteen.

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@shmerdloff

Yes. "Higher, and higher and higher." Jackie Wilson

When we are able to give of ourselves, our time, our blood sweat and tears, "why, it's almost like bein' in love." Frederick Loewe and Alan Jay Lerner.

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shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | May 7 7:50am
In reply to @bobcmcc "Friends have commented on how patient I must be, but I feel it’s more being resigned..." + (show)
Profile picture for bobcmcc @bobcmcc

Friends have commented on how patient I must be, but I feel it’s more being resigned to the situation. Kind of like when you leave school and go to work - no more sleeping in, no more partying during the week. Wake up at 6, get to work - it’s a different life.
In this case you get to make the adjustment with someone you love and care for

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@bobcmcc
Elizabeth Kubler Ross:
denial, argument, anger, depression, acceptance (resigned)
Stages of dealing with illness, or a bad situation.

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hikingcaver | @hikingcaver | May 7 10:04am

My wife was diagnosed summer of 22. She had been showing some signs of 'foggy brain' for a couple of years...
Now somewhere in stage 6 (of 7). I have found several books that were helpful.
"Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" is the latest - it is directed to us a caregivers and has been a big help.
"Still Alice" is informative, and emotional.
"Dancing with Dementia" was written by a person with Frontal Temporal Dementia - hard to believe, but brings the perspective from our loved one's viewpoint.
My heart goes out to all caregivers and their loved ones - I can not imagine how it feels to see your SELF fading away physically, spiritually and cognitively...

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Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | 1 day ago
In reply to @mariefor "I have a husband diagnosed 6 year ago with vascular dementia. Now I have had to..." + (show)
Profile picture for mariefor @mariefor

I have a husband diagnosed 6 year ago with vascular dementia. Now I have had to get a pacemaker 2 weeks ago. Yes this is a difficult time for sure. I wish there was a place where I could bring him like an adult day care. I could get a break and some rest and I think he would benefit from other company. Unlike someone with alzheimer's who forgets the things they have left behind with vascular dementia they still retain their memory of the things they once enjoyed and cannot do, such as driving, fishing, and the camp they love to go to.

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@mariefor, getting a break is really important for your own recovery. Is there no adult day care or respite care in your area?

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minniem | @minniem | 1 day ago

All of this is so familiar , so please know that you are not alone. My advice is to keep using this group- it helps me so much.
Yesterday I was tempted to get in the car, scream, and drive away.
Today I am reminded of what my love should be like as a caregiving spouse and I am focusing on remembering the good times we had together when we were young.
God bless you today and give you strength.

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sohenc | @sohenc | 39 minutes ago

Sorry you are dealing with this. I, too, have a similar situation; it is maddening.

No one wants to accept their decline in cognitive abilities. They are angry, and we would be too. And anger can be a cover emotion for other emotions: fear, sadness, frustration, feeling helpless and so forth. I found having a great therapist to work with helpful, maybe something to consider (?) and many are virtual now rather than having to go face to face (easier/faster). Just having a safe place to vent and offload some of the emotional trauma of this (caring for a spouse with cognitive decline) is helpful. Friends and family/adult kids, only want to hear so much of this.

I also found choosing not to point out to my other half their confusion or processing failures was best. What good is it to point it out? They cannot change it, and it will just get worse over time. I found trying to convince mine that he had MCI was a path to complete resistance. Whether it is denial or perhaps anosognosia -- unlike denial, which is a psychological defense mechanism, anosognosia is entirely neurological. The patient genuinely believes they are completely fine and capable, meaning they cannot process or recognize their illness. -- trying to convince them of their impairment does not work.

Getting help for yourself (perhaps therapy, planned outings, in-house help) and working on a plan for what is next (such as legal preparation to protect assets if he needs nursing home/memory care at some point) is what you can control. Trying to control them or this condition is not doable.

You are not alone. Many are on this journey, which none of us wanted to go on. Best wishes, stay strong.

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