I want life to end and don't know what to do.

When we are bullied, we think it's our fault, that it's something about me that causes the bullying.
But bullying is really caused by things wrong in the bullying person and sometimes by a social sickness in the school or neighborhood.
It is really hard to get past this feeling that there is "something innately wrong with me."

I spent a lot of time trying different thoughts, noticing how my feelings followed my thoughts.
Eventually I began to have some ability to play with my feelings and thoughts and I got better at it.

Learning to just be here because we're all biological accidents can be very freeing.
My dog is just here, she doesn't have a reason or purpose beyond "now," and that can be a good way to be.

Dear Papersoup after reading your posting I had tears in my eyes and a heartache. Your feelings are real and im sorry that your in this position. I wanted to tell you how strong you are by telling us your feeling and posting it for us to read. If you were in Minneapolis Mn I would tell you a time and place for me to just give you a hug and let you know God loves you always had and always will.

@papersoup A lot of what @edsutton said is so true! When we are bullied, either overtly or by snide comments, no matter our age, it seems to plant a seed in our hearts and mind. And then it might grow into something seemingly out of our control. Nothing we seem to tell ourselves makes it better, makes us like ourselves better. Even on those "good days". We see ourselves through the eyes and comments of others, and it can be downright disheartening, right?!

I bet there are a lot of us here who have felt the same way you have expressed. While there is no magic pill to take, no magic words to say to make it better right away, here is what I have done. Think about those things you have accomplished that were what you wanted to do, and how happy you are to have done it. It doesn't have to be anything major. Did you plant a garden and things actually grew? Did you take a class you always wanted to study? Did you try a recipe that looked overwhelming and it turned out great? Did you train for a sporting event and then did it? Little things are still positive steps. Now, think of those who were bullying you. Maybe they were the popular kids in school; where are they now? Are they happy in their lives? You, by virtue of simply doing some things you wanted to do, and worked hard to do them, have triumphed. Yes, it takes repeatedly doing positive self-talk, but recognizing you have this dilemma, look at it as a challenge, and take it on! Do you think you could try this?
Ginger

I'm a 67 year old geezer who has never looked or felt "normal", whatever that is nowadays. I really don't like seeing myself in the bathroom mirrors, or in the reflection of a store window because I'm such a freak. Whenever my wife and I get back from running errands, or having a meal out and I use the bathroom it's just a reminder of how lucky I am to have a wife who isn't embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I've actually thanked her several times over the years for going out with a crazy old man like myself.
My avatar isn't Mr. Macabre for nothing, I've been a fan of anything Halloween, horror, Satanic, occult, evil, or dark my entire life. I've been a metal head since the late 70's, and listen to Death and/or Black metal music for several hours a day. I've worn a black concert or heathen T shirt everyday for more than 40 years, my collection of shirts fills up an entire closet by itself. I'm heavily tattooed in occult, pagan, Halloween, and Satanic artwork. I have longish hair and a long goatee, yet our 4 grandkids aren't afraid of me. I've also been told by family, friends, and coworkers that I look like a serial killer, which I've always taken as a compliment.
The point I'm trying, and failing to make is this, you are who you are, and nothing can change that(deep huh?). Just try and be your version of "normal", and don't worry about what other people's opinions are.

@papersoup I've read quite a few things in the responses to your very vulnerable post, that have potential to help you with your feelings about yourself. I'd suggest you let your therapist read what you wrote. It could really help them know how to help you. I tend to be more open and honest with my therapists, maybe sometimes a bit too much. But it actually helps me feel better about where I am when I spill my guts to them.

My therapist posts his notes on My Chart, and I read what he writes between sessions to think about what he said and what I said, and sometimes it helps just to review and assess how I'm doing since the last session. It makes me think about what I can do to feel better about myself. I'm afraid I'm not so good at that.

Lots of people have complimented me over the years, and I usually accept what they say, but inside, I think things like "yeah, but you don't know what's going on in my life and my mind". I've tried to work on that attitude for decades, and I think I'm making progress.

I don't see a "boring" person in what you wrote. I see sensitivity. I hear you. You have a desire for a life different from what you're experiencing.

I think that most people are discontented with their lives at some level. We have to admit that we aren't perfect, that there are things we can do differently to improve our lives. Small things.

I'm preaching to myself here. But I hope you hear words you need to hear that will lead you forward.

Blessings

Jim

@jimhd I also have had persistent depression. How I made it to my current age I don't know. I did have a therapist years ago who I admired so much and she helped me get through some situations that were really troublesome. Alas, I moved out of state and never found another like her. My first suggestion to you is to find a therapist that you can trust and be yourself. Very few of therapist I have had in the past failed me(I thought) and I'd go looking for another. One suggestion I did follow was to find a place where you can volunteer (ie. nursing home, church, re-hab hospital, SPCA etc) You will be doing something that will help yourself and you will meet others with whom you just may enjoy becoming friends with. That was my decision when I got so tired of feeling unwanted, not important, unlikeable, etc. I have since made friends with many people and now have two people in my life who care about me and I enjoy life with. I wish you good luck in your overcoming these problems. And, as others have mentioned, find and use prayer.

First of all, you ARE NORMAL!
Having thoughts about yourself that feel terrible are exactly what make you a normal human being. Just about every person on this planet has negative thoughts and feelings, myself included! (Have you noticed that my picture is my dog)
As Ginger said, there certainly isn’t a magic pill to make you better but if your thoughts have a element of chemical imbalance to them, there may be a medication that could help you to start the process of healing. I think seeing a therapist or psychiatrist wouldn’t hurt.
Some people may be comfortable calling themselves freaks or any number of names (Mayo wouldn’t like what I call myself) but in the end, I don’t think there really is some set in stone definition of normal. Normal is INFINITE!!!

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad! That's so hard to cope with. We have all been there at one time or another. You sound like a very nice intelligent person. Think about the good things in your life. You are not one of the homeless. You have a good job and an apartment! You are very articulate and write very well. Not everyone can do that. Put your focus on you and what you like; not what others seem to have. Other people's lives may look good but there may be problems that aren't visible.

Research the side effects of all the medications you are taking. Some of the side effects may be causing you to have thoughts about ending your life. Don't stop taking them if you find some like that until you talk to your doctor. Some medications have to be stopped slowly or the effects can be very bad.

Also give all your problems up to God. He is there for you. Just talk to him like he's your best friend and he is! He made you and he can fix you! I'll say a prayer for you also.
I wish you the best.
PML

@mtnmarge Over the past 20 years, I've had 15 therapists, most of them good. The reason for the high number is that most of them were doing their year of internship, and left to go to greener pastures. It's been a challenge to start over that many times. I went for a year twice with no therapist.

I have treatment resistant MDD, along with anxiety and PTSD. My wife and I live out in the country, making it hard to find friends and to volunteer. I visited hospice patients for around 5 years, which I enjoyed doing. I'd like to volunteer at the local humane society, but it's still painful to walk much since multiple surgeries the past two years. I also have CIDP, with pain in my feet and ankles and up to my knees. Chronic pain is the pits!

We attend church in another town, 30 minutes away, which limits participation to Sunday morning and the monthly senior lunch. That means we don't have friends to hang out with from church, as no one lives near us. My wife meets weekly with several other women for a knitting group (men not welcome, even though I knit), so she does have a group of good friends.

Prayer and Bible reading are regular habits for us (I'm a retired minister), but contrary to what many think, being a person of faith isn't a guarantee of good mental health, though I suppose it may be more likely. It's one of those "should" things. A Christian "should" be happy and well adjusted. As the old song from Porgy and Bess goes, "It ain't necessarily so". In a perfect world...

Enough about me. I'm glad that you have found ways to improve your life. I am in a better place than I was 20 years ago.

Jim

Paper soup has good company here! She has great friends here, I should say.
I have chronically incurable, but manageable depression ( that is what my Psychiatrist told me). I am 75 yrs old and besides the depression, I have Cancer and stroke related One sided Paralysis called Hemiplegia. It is very difficult for a young person to go thru what you are going thru all by yourself.
Others have something you don't have; And you have somethings that others don't have! That is how, I compare lives of other people w mine!
I count my blessings and be contented w whatever nature has to offer. God gave life to people thru human parents and only God can take it away. You have to wait upon the Lord!
Do you believe in God or no? Its okay, if you do not. I have a daughter who is in her 40s doesn't believe in
God either. I accept her as she is. You mentioned, you have no parents or relatives.Very Sorry to hear that. Join a church choir, if you can sing and you will find that God is your parents.
For you are an unique individual, child of God!
May God bless you richly and keep you safe.
Don't think too much about yourself only. Think about others who have very severe to profound disabilities or cannot speak at all (because of Autism), etc.They have it
worst.
Be good to yourself.
Thank you for sharing your life w us here.
VJ