I want life to end and don't know what to do.

Hi,
I totally understand and have been there, wondering what my worth is, you are worthy of all things, depression and anxiety are so hard to live with, I use meditation, I go for walks, you have reason for living, you are a beautiful person, inside and out, look In the mirror, tell yourself, I am beautiful, I am enough, I deserve life and love. It makes me truly sad to see how you feel, this is a cruel world, don't get caught in others life and how they live or what they do. I read my Bible when I get terrible thoughts and nothing makes me feel better than the word of God. He is with you, through good and bad seasons of life. I am here for you. Love your life.

@papersoup thanks for sharing your very real feelings with us. That sounds so hard. Unfortunately many of us have been there, and it’s not easy. I’d encourage you to remember that nothing is forever. Try to make it through just one day, one hour, one minute. Is there just one thing you can do today where you can feel 1% less bad? Like is there a coffee shop you could sit in and enjoy the smell while you had a nice warm cup? Maybe you could buy a small plant and enjoy watching it grow? Do you have a new episode of a favorite show where you could get cozy with a bowl of popcorn? It sounds a little silly, but the more you can turn away from harming yourself, towards caring for yourself, the more the misery will fade.
If you haven’t already communicated the depth of your suffering to your docs, I would encourage you to do so as early as you can. There are non-medication treatments too; different types of therapy, TMS, or newer types of meds like ketamine.
Please do not give up hope. You can get through this.

Hi, @papersoup - welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect, a safe place where you can talk - even about the tough stuff.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. We understand how difficult it can be to not feel you have people close to you or have a reason to live. It’s important to know you are not alone.

I’m tagging @audriana @davej @jane2022 @jimhd @abida @gingerw, who have discussed similar issues and may be able to provide some support.

If at any point you start to feel like you may consider hurting yourself, please call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (https://988lifeline.org/) for immediate help.

Call or text: 988
Chat & text: https://988lifeline.org/chat/

Your safety is the most important thing to us.

@lisalucier
Thank you Lisa

@ashleyharris728
Thank you Ashley for the kind words. I think I don't quite tell my doctors how bad it really is but this is very encouraging.

I am wondering if anyone can relate to this type of overwhelming body dysmorphia.

It's debilitating. Seeing a single photo of myself can trigger me into a spiral of suicidal thoughts. Some days I can't even stand the feeling of my fingers touching each other, my breathing, or heartbeat because it grosses me out that I am this person. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just want to get out of this body. The weird thing is I don't even think I'm ugly, sometimes I'd even say I'm pretty, but I just think I'm disgusting and weird. Thinking of doing self care - doing my favourite things, it makes me feel bad, like anything I enjoy (tv shows, music, food) is stupid and gross.

It severely affects my life too. I don't date at all because the thought of anyone being close to me or choosing me seems so unbeliveable, and in a way to makes me feel gross too. I get scared that men would find me repulsive, and everything about me embarrassing. I desperately want to date but can't bring myself to.

Then I feel even worse because I'm so alone. All of my siblings and friends are in long term relationships except for me. It feels so humiliating knowing I'm 27 years old and have never even spoken to someone romantically. It feels like this huge weight over my head.

I only take good care of myself so I make good impressions at work, so I can pay my bills. That's the only thing keeping me here. I've spoken to therapists and counsellors about how I feel, but none of the work I do with them shakes the physical feeling of thinking I'm the most foul person on earth.

Every time I enjoy something it's a gut reaction to be disgusted by myself. Every interaction I have I can't stop thinking about how awkward and stupid I look and sound.

I don't know what made me this way. I think a part of it was the bullying I experienced when I was in my younger teens. I just wish it hadn't made such a mark and I could've turned out normal.

Does anyone else struggle with thoughts like this? How can I make it stop? I want to be normal.

@papersoup please keep us updated on how things go. Try to get through this weekend as best you can. Best wishes

Is there a big library in your town?
For many years the library was my best friend.

@edsutton Yes, I used to go often. Maybe I will try again 🙂

I wish happiness for you.