I want life to end & don't know what to do. Been here?

Have you thought about volunteering somewhere once or twice a week after work? You may or may not make friends while doing this, but either way you will have helped someone, and that feels good. I am certain that you have many gifts to offer the world - you just need to find an outlet for them. Also, a daily gratitude practice can help. Write down three things you are thankful for when you wake up, and three more at the end of the day. Even small things matter - such as, I am thankful for my morning coffee or I am thankful I can hear the birds singing outside today. Try to find different things to be thankful for. Also - Buddhist philosophy can be very helpful. Staying in the moment and noticing your thought patterns is the first step in changing them. Also - the book "Taming Your Gremlin" was helpful for me - to notice that negative voice. Hugs.

@mrmacabre My partner and I of 10 years found living in a used RV affordable. Downsizing was a blessing. Look into it.

Im so sorry you are going through this. I can relate 💯. I've been at rock bottom many times and I'm going to be 70. Over the decades I've learned coping skills and what my triggers are, but after awhile I feel like I have 0 skills left. The bad thoughts, anger, sadness I tucked them away in what I describe as little boxes/drawers so my brain 🧠 believes a particular thought is gone. I compartmentalize. It is seriously difficult for people to grasp what is happening unless they have experienced it themselves. I've been to therapy, counseling, medications 💊. It became apparent and raised it's ugly head at the age of 30. I would not remember driving home from work, one day I drove to work and I couldn't get out of my car. I was in a full blown panic attack. That was 40 yrs ago. I had a highly stressful job and traveled alot. Back then meds were not like today. Science came a long way. I weaned myself off antidepressants and take anxiety meds that sometimes depending on the day they don't work so I just deal as best I can and sleep is my escape. I get my meds from my PCP, not a therapist. Im glad I found a good PCP who understands me, or tries at least. At my age this is my last leg of my life journey so I spend alot of my time outside. I find having a pet & companion comforting. Maybe you could rescue a nice calm pet. You aren't alone in this. I wish you well and hope I could help ease the burden. Im still here and my life would read as big as the novel as war & peace. Try and be kind to yourself. I started doing AI art 🎨 on a website called Night Cafe. It's free but you can pay for a pro membership. The difference is pro has alot of models to use, Really nice and kind people from all around the world. I've built a couple of good friends I can talk to about anything. It's web based, no app to download. I do it on my cell. They have challenges you can participate in, I don't, I create cute adorable creations always animals and fantasy cute dragons. Take a look, you earn credits daily and artists even tip you credits for your creations.

@nurseruby
I am going to write 3 things I'm grateful for right now. Thank you.🙏🏽

@papersoup just checking in to see how things have been going lately. Lots of stuff in this thread that may or may not have been helpful to you, not sure if anything has resonated yet. Hope you are well.

This may sound like a strange suggestion, but if you can find a home wine making group you may find it lots of fun. You don't have to have a vineyard, you just find a way to be part of it. They have meetings and parties. Going as a single person works just fine.

@papersoup
Yes, I have felt exactly the same way. At times I will think I look okay but that is only if I do not think too much about me. Most times I hate everything about me, my face, my legs, my hair, my breasts, my feet, my hands, my mouth and on and on. I also hate my thoughts, my voice. If I am having an okay day it will be destroyed by catching a reflection of myself in a window or mirror. I cannot be intimate because I am so ashamed of my body. I remember every put down I ever got in my life, everytime I have felt inadequate. I am 67 years old and all my childhood memories seem to revolve around looks. I do not even want to suggest to my doctor that I think I have Body Dysmorphia because then I will be put in a category and judged by every doctor I see. Only Mental health doctors may understand but with the online medical charts every doctor I see will know I have this and they DO NOT understand and treat you differently. All I can do is empathize with you. I too need it to stop, I want to be normal too.

I heard that at any one time, 80% of the population is depressed. First , find what gived you MEANING (not what the culture tells you). Second, go do it with all your heart. See below.