Feeling cheated

I know women who appear to have been so loving and kind as their husbands went through the process of dementia. Of course, I can't know what was really going on with them. I do not feel loving and kind. I feel crabby, angry even, and exasperated much of the time. I'm getting frown lines. Most of us have probably heard the story of the man who visits his wife every day in memory care even though she doesn't know who he is. He explains that's okay because he knows who she is. That probably won't be me, but who knows. Have you read the"Thursday Murder Club" series? Elizabeth is so patient with her husband Steven as he slips into dementia. That isn't me. We've been married for 58 years and still I can't rise up to that. I don't like myself. Is there a question here? No, I'm just venting too. But it does help to know we aren't the only ones.

@carolreid
Hello and hugs:
I remember reading a post on here and the wife mentioned it was a privilege caring for her husband, and I wrote back that I did not feel that way.
Yesterday I was so upset with my husband I was yelling at him, and said some things I wish I could take back. I did apologize but still feel awful. It's like yelling at an innocent puppy. I hollered that I don't like who I am becoming, being upset or angry a lot.
So, yesterday I made a doctor's appointment so I can get a referral for a therapist. I do not want to end up with an ulcer.
All the best to you. 🌻

I know women who appear to have been so loving and kind as their husbands went through the process of dementia. Of course, I can't know what was really going on with them. I do not feel loving and kind. I feel crabby, angry even, and exasperated much of the time. I'm getting frown lines. Most of us have probably heard the story of the man who visits his wife every day in memory care even though she doesn't know who he is. He explains that's okay because he knows who she is. That probably won't be me, but who knows. Have you read the"Thursday Murder Club" series? Elizabeth is so patient with her husband Steven as he slips into dementia. That isn't me. We've been married for 58 years and still I can't rise up to that. I don't like myself. Is there a question here? No, I'm just venting too. But it does help to know we aren't the only ones.

I hear the same things, get help from whom? We have no family and most of my friends have their own issues to deal with being in the same age as we are. My husband is 9 years older than I am. It’s a lot to deal with lately my husband wants to go everywhere with me even if he doesn’t get out the car. Today was a bad day, the weather has been pouring down so I decided to go out early and get bagels and do some grocery shopping all went well until I came out the grocery store and had a dead battery luckily the local mall has security and gave me a jump to get home and then I called AAA. My husband has hearing aids he won’t use so now I find my voice is hoarse all the time, he keeps putting tissues in the laundry hamper, who knows where anything could be in the kitchen and he always takes my black pants thinking they are his and I have to spend a lot of time looking for the above. Just to name a few I find I have to be 10 steps ahead and as much as I would like to leave something out for a minute I know whatever it is will disappear in seconds. Minor I know but the other day I was cooking and as soon as I put the spatula down he took it and washed it before I even realized it was gone. My patience is not good anymore and since I have to repeat things 3 times my voice is getting worse. He saw a neurologist finally the other day, I asked him not to mention dementia but say it was a normal test for the elderly, the first thing out of his mouth was your wife said you have a memory problem, I also told him not to mention his cancer and that was another thing he said but I interrupted and changed the subject as Dan doesn’t know he has it. Dr ordered a mri to see if he had had a stroke or just what it will show and if medication might help. Not sure we will try that he is already on Lupron for his cancer which has side effects although he seems to be doing remarkably well on it.
Well! Enough of my whining for one day. Just take it a day at a time my girlfriend goes in the bedroom and cry’s.

I think you already have the answer by reaching out, as we as caregivers, are only as good as the care we give ourselves. I know as time goes on, my level of care will step up, although I can't imagine doing any more than I'm already doing. The stress and time involved in caregiving is unbelievable, and what I realize, is depending upon where my husband is in his progression, I will need help and I will have to get it. Getting help in helping him, I do believe, helps us as caregivers, and gives us a chance to not get drawn into the deep depths of depression everyday. That coupled with the MCI - alzheimers and/or dementia we're dealing with, is too much and too costly to our own health. Everyone's financial situation is different; I don't even know at what point you get home health care, and how that works. I know from watching a neighbor whose wife had dementia, he was in denial. Horrible to watch because she needed a much higher level of care than he was capable of giving her. A realization for me, if that ever happened to my spouse, I would provide the level of care he needed, until I couldn't do it alone.

@judimahoney
Thank you! I think one of my big problems is that there's no one to talk to. I have four close, long-time friends. One has severe dementia. One has moved away to be closer to her daughter because her husband has dementia. She doesn't talk about her situation. Two are widows and I know consider me lucky to still have my husband. Complaining about one's husband has always been considered bad form in our group and it seems disloyal. I am in a rural community and wouldn't know how to go about getting a therapist. Please let me know how that works out for you.

I think you already have the answer by reaching out, as we as caregivers, are only as good as the care we give ourselves. I know as time goes on, my level of care will step up, although I can't imagine doing any more than I'm already doing. The stress and time involved in caregiving is unbelievable, and what I realize, is depending upon where my husband is in his progression, I will need help and I will have to get it. Getting help in helping him, I do believe, helps us as caregivers, and gives us a chance to not get drawn into the deep depths of depression everyday. That coupled with the MCI - alzheimers and/or dementia we're dealing with, is too much and too costly to our own health. Everyone's financial situation is different; I don't even know at what point you get home health care, and how that works. I know from watching a neighbor whose wife had dementia, he was in denial. Horrible to watch because she needed a much higher level of care than he was capable of giving her. A realization for me, if that ever happened to my spouse, I would provide the level of care he needed, until I couldn't do it alone.

@carolreid I’ve been married almost 59 years. I also wish I could be more patient and less resentful. Sometimes I am but sometimes I just want to escape.

@kjc48 Well said. I recently found that there is a daycare for seniors 7 miles for us. They have different programs offered 2 days a week open from 8am to 5pm for $1195 month. She said it runs about $15 an hour. Whereas day care to your home is $40 hour. I did call to get info and said we might stop by one day. I honestly don’t know if at this point my husband would be happy with that he just loves being with me and like you at what stage do you consider this? I would tend to look for some daycare in my home? One day at a time, I certainly would t take him if he didn’t like it?