Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

This has been one tough week at our house😩😩😵‍💫
I went away for two nights and my husband(74 with MCI) did fine while I was away. On Monday, I started packing for our snowbird trip and then must have sent him into a tizzy. I am having second thoughts about going, but know I need to. My husband has been doing the night wandering laps and wanting to start the morning routine between midnight and 3 am. I am “yelling” at him when I point out the time. One morning I woke up to him measuring our bed. My husband said that the internet said he has to sleep 7 hours a night and eat dinner at the same time. I am still baffled that 7 hours turned into some unit of linear area measurement. A man who cannot write a note or text had a sheet of paper with this information. BTW: He only looked at the AI answer.
He is resentful that I am packing, planning the route and doing all the preparations. His mind simply cannot do it. He takes his clothes, balls them up and stuffs them in a duffle. The spatial confusion is real. I changed our itinerary to simplify the stops and route. I am a little nervous about staying in hotels and I will use all locks to keep him in the room at night.
He has been wearing the same clothes to bed that he has worn for multiple days and I have to gently suggest a shower every few days. I have asked him to not wear his street clothes to bed and he lies to me and says he just put them on. Last night at 4 am he came back to bed with a robe over his clothes.
A man that took pride in his looks and hygiene now goes to the store in clothes that could stand up on their own. My husband still drives in our very small town and can navigate our area okay.
Yesterday, he had an old obsolete cell phone out, wanting to know why he could not text, check email, etc.. My words trying to explain that his latest phone is the one with service were received with a blank stare. When I put the old phone away he accused me of confiscating it and punishing him.
One day this week he never turned off the TV, put his phone down or participated in a conversation all day. That was a rough one for me. We have small house and it is hard to get away from the TV noise.
I am constantly getting told how mean I am that I will not get him a new car. Realistically he may only be driving for one more year at the most. We have two vehicles with less that 50,000 miles on the,
Today got me and he won. My husband decided that our grandchildren, ages 12 and 15, needed a stuffed squirrel. He was gone for quite a long time and came home with one stuffed dog and said the girls could pretend it is a squirrel. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The girls did not ask for it nor would they want it. I will let our daughter explain this one to her daughters. My husband does not want me to tell anyone about his impairment(they know). We will be spending a week with them prior to traveling to where will be staying for 6 weeks.
I know it selfish of me to push getting out of the cold upper Midwest winter, but with everything going on at home and in the world, I really need it. I realize that my husband will need me more and I will not be able to leave him at the condo. I am also going knowing this will probably be our last year.
I do try to use what I learned in the caregiver class and suggestions for the support group that I attend, but I am human.
I am asking… when do you realize you could not travel anymore?
We are still waiting for an appointment to figure which type of dementia he has and how severe it actually is.
I hope you all got a giggle out of my highlights from this week.

@upgirl2013 I’m sorry for your bad week, it’s hard stuff.
My husband (72 MCI) also doesn’t have a definitive diagnosis, which means it doesn’t exist in his mind. He is doing a tiny bit better than your DH, showers and changes clothes daily and drives locally. Can put on a pretty good show to outsiders, but is so narcissistic, bullheaded and illogical that I can hardly be around him.
It’s so ironic for me to see your post today. Yesterday DH and I went to a social function an hour and a half each way, with me driving and I almost lost my mind with sheer frustration and sadness for the loss of my partnership and companionship with him.
We got in a shouting match over his constant complaining about my driving, which exits we should take, why do I have to use WAZE? he hates WAZE, and on and on. I’m so stupid that I started out, after, saying that really, taking a wrong turn wasn’t the most horrible thing that could ever happen and we should let it roll off. But no, we had to aim for revisiting the whole situation. He has told me that I need to learn!! a couple of times….
Anyway… we’re supposed to on a a driving trip that is 4 hours away for a weekend and concert and I just don’t think I can be in a car with him that long. It will certainly be our last driving trip. But..I do worry about the whole trip in general. Things can turn fast when you don’t have full mind function.
Enough rambling, I wanted you to know that I heard you and I feel you. Hang in there? 🤷‍♀️

@upgirl2013 We stopped traveling 2 years ago as it upsets my husband too much. Home is where he needs to be. I love to travel but won't go without him. For years he got so upset and angry when we would start packing for a trip. I could not understand that behavior until I began to see other dementia related behaviors. Some things that I have just recently learned.
If he needs to go the hardware store for some electrical tape-let him although he does not do any electrical work and never has.
If he needs to spend all day in garage organizing the garage, that is okay even though he has done that every week for the last year and we can't find anything.
If he talks through a TV show talk with him. Some day he won't be able to talk
If he wants cake for breakfast, that is okay too. Hand it to him with a smile
If he doesn't want to shower - I say that I am going to take a shower-and does he want to shower before or after me. If that doesn't work I tell him I bought him a new shirt and some new jeans and I want to see if they fit and if they don't fit I can't take them back if he tries them on before he showers. What I have learned is that I can say just about anything and he accepts it even if it does not make sense.
If the TV is too loud I can easily turn it down by telling him that I want to tell him something and he can't hear me. Once it is down he forgets that he wanted it louder.
He forgets to put his hearing aids in and I laughing told him a couple of weeks ago that if he does not hear it the second time and he does not have his hearing aids in then I won't repeat. The next day he didn't have his hearing aids in and I said something to him. The second time I just mouthed the words and he was watching me. He started laughing and told me I had to say it loud at least twice. We both laughed. I have to learned to tease him and play with him again.
Choose your battles--some are important and must be dealt with gently but must be dealt with. Others do not matter.
Don't fight it as you will lose. Acceptance was the healthiest thing I have done for both of us. I hope you enjoy your trip.

@minniem I have been dealing with this for some time. Around Christmas, I unknowingly accepted my husbands dementia. I thought it was another stage of his dementia but it was me. I became more loving, laughed more, smiled more, and once again started enjoying what we have. Our 56th anniversary was just before Christmas and I have prayed to God that thing would get more tolerable. I was so stressed and trying to carry on as we had for so long. I had to change and it just happened. We are hugging and loving one another again. I don't know what I am facing each morning when I wake, but I know I can deal with it if I smile, love him, and find some things to laugh about. I didn't realize that I was grieving, I was angry, and I was not accepting what was happening to my husband. I now know "it is what it is" and I am enjoying every day no matter what it brings. I cannot tell anyone how to get to this point as we are all different and grieving is real-each person will grieve longer and harder. Trying to recognize what is causing all of your stress. I have given up on keeping the house organized as he just is not organized anymore. I have given up on cleaning all the time as he needs my time if just to sit with him. I have given up asking him what he wants for dinner as he does not know so I just fix it and he eats it. A side note. I am 77 and still cooking. I have always cooked and we seldom eat out. I have been somewhat of a gourmet cook. I have found that he now prefers food that teenagers like. I make him pizza, hamburgers, burritos, etc. and he loves it. I hope this is helpful to someone.

@minniem I have been dealing with this for some time. Around Christmas, I unknowingly accepted my husbands dementia. I thought it was another stage of his dementia but it was me. I became more loving, laughed more, smiled more, and once again started enjoying what we have. Our 56th anniversary was just before Christmas and I have prayed to God that thing would get more tolerable. I was so stressed and trying to carry on as we had for so long. I had to change and it just happened. We are hugging and loving one another again. I don't know what I am facing each morning when I wake, but I know I can deal with it if I smile, love him, and find some things to laugh about. I didn't realize that I was grieving, I was angry, and I was not accepting what was happening to my husband. I now know "it is what it is" and I am enjoying every day no matter what it brings. I cannot tell anyone how to get to this point as we are all different and grieving is real-each person will grieve longer and harder. Trying to recognize what is causing all of your stress. I have given up on keeping the house organized as he just is not organized anymore. I have given up on cleaning all the time as he needs my time if just to sit with him. I have given up asking him what he wants for dinner as he does not know so I just fix it and he eats it. A side note. I am 77 and still cooking. I have always cooked and we seldom eat out. I have been somewhat of a gourmet cook. I have found that he now prefers food that teenagers like. I make him pizza, hamburgers, burritos, etc. and he loves it. I hope this is helpful to someone.

I just joined this group and this is my first comment. I'm glad I found others that have experienced the same frustrations and emotions that I am having now. My husband was diagnosed with MCI about a month ago. His impairment stems from his condition of Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. NPH means he has too much cerebral fluid. The treatment is to have a shunt inserted in the brain to drain the fluid. He had that done in 2023 and had a brain bleed 3 months later because the shunt drained too much fluid. Neurosurgeon was able to drain the fluid with no brain damage. He needed an adjustment to the shunt late February this year and again the shunt drained too much fluid, causing another brain bleed in April. The shunt is not suitable for him. The NPH causes gait issues, dementia, and incontinence.
In the last six months since the brain bleed he has become a different man. He has the gait of a much older person and has been diagnosed with MCI. Incontinence is beginning but not regularly yet.
I am experiencing grief, anger, frustration, constant sadness, depression. I want to cry all the time. We live in our two-story home of 40 years and I'm looking for a place with bedrooms on first level. He cannot help me sort out the collection of "stuff" we've gathered over many years, and it's an overwhelming task. I'm making financial decisions without him because he doesn't care. With finding a new home, making financial decisions, paying bills, taking care of car maintenance (I cried at Valvoline because I couldn't pop the hood!) and handling bill payments, yard care, etc., I'm at my wits end. We've always enjoyed regular evenings out with friends and do use alcohol. He is now obsessed with going out and drinks more beer than he did before. He is also obsessed with his reading articles on his phone and does so even when we're in social situations.
I am going to talk to my doctor and am glad to have found this place to talk with others in my shoes. I've read helpful comments here and feel like I might find some commiseration and suggestions. Thank you.

@lizzabeth thank you for this!!!
We currently have 14 boxes of cereal stashed in our closet, multiple bags of almonds, and many other grocery items. He thinks “they” have done away with things, so must buy it while he can still find it. I need to not try to correct this, but we may need to build an addition to our closet. I know grocery shopping is the only thing he may feel he has control over. What you wrote is so very helpful. Thank you.

This has been one tough week at our house😩😩😵‍💫
I went away for two nights and my husband(74 with MCI) did fine while I was away. On Monday, I started packing for our snowbird trip and then must have sent him into a tizzy. I am having second thoughts about going, but know I need to. My husband has been doing the night wandering laps and wanting to start the morning routine between midnight and 3 am. I am “yelling” at him when I point out the time. One morning I woke up to him measuring our bed. My husband said that the internet said he has to sleep 7 hours a night and eat dinner at the same time. I am still baffled that 7 hours turned into some unit of linear area measurement. A man who cannot write a note or text had a sheet of paper with this information. BTW: He only looked at the AI answer.
He is resentful that I am packing, planning the route and doing all the preparations. His mind simply cannot do it. He takes his clothes, balls them up and stuffs them in a duffle. The spatial confusion is real. I changed our itinerary to simplify the stops and route. I am a little nervous about staying in hotels and I will use all locks to keep him in the room at night.
He has been wearing the same clothes to bed that he has worn for multiple days and I have to gently suggest a shower every few days. I have asked him to not wear his street clothes to bed and he lies to me and says he just put them on. Last night at 4 am he came back to bed with a robe over his clothes.
A man that took pride in his looks and hygiene now goes to the store in clothes that could stand up on their own. My husband still drives in our very small town and can navigate our area okay.
Yesterday, he had an old obsolete cell phone out, wanting to know why he could not text, check email, etc.. My words trying to explain that his latest phone is the one with service were received with a blank stare. When I put the old phone away he accused me of confiscating it and punishing him.
One day this week he never turned off the TV, put his phone down or participated in a conversation all day. That was a rough one for me. We have small house and it is hard to get away from the TV noise.
I am constantly getting told how mean I am that I will not get him a new car. Realistically he may only be driving for one more year at the most. We have two vehicles with less that 50,000 miles on the,
Today got me and he won. My husband decided that our grandchildren, ages 12 and 15, needed a stuffed squirrel. He was gone for quite a long time and came home with one stuffed dog and said the girls could pretend it is a squirrel. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The girls did not ask for it nor would they want it. I will let our daughter explain this one to her daughters. My husband does not want me to tell anyone about his impairment(they know). We will be spending a week with them prior to traveling to where will be staying for 6 weeks.
I know it selfish of me to push getting out of the cold upper Midwest winter, but with everything going on at home and in the world, I really need it. I realize that my husband will need me more and I will not be able to leave him at the condo. I am also going knowing this will probably be our last year.
I do try to use what I learned in the caregiver class and suggestions for the support group that I attend, but I am human.
I am asking… when do you realize you could not travel anymore?
We are still waiting for an appointment to figure which type of dementia he has and how severe it actually is.
I hope you all got a giggle out of my highlights from this week.

@upgirl2013 I had a trip planned last March with my girlfriends that reunited at our 50th class reunion. I was so excited to get away. I made flight and car arrangements. Luckily, I took out trip insurance.
My honey started having major anxiety issues and total confusion. Never went on the trip.