Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

@wctdoc1943
So much of what you wrote at the beginning is my story, except my husband does not admit that he has anything wrong. Even though multiple doctors have spoken plainly about his condition- he will not talk to me or anyone about it.

Today I am having one of those days and I just want to be alone. He asked me why I did not smile anymore and I did not have the heart to tell him. He is driving me to distraction, he blames me for not listening to him, and then watches TV most of the day.

I understand why - his brain does not work right and he also has osteoporosis and bad balance. He could give up - but he has not. I admire him for that, but at the same time I am so tired of biting my tongue, sweating in my house because he is always cold, handling all the money, folding laundry and putting it away, and doing all the driving. Oh- and working full time.
I pray every night that he will find a good friend that can just be a friend.
I am a homebody and he wants to leave the house every chance he gets.
I am just so darn tired…

So everyone- hang in there!,

@minniem I have been dealing with this for some time. Around Christmas, I unknowingly accepted my husbands dementia. I thought it was another stage of his dementia but it was me. I became more loving, laughed more, smiled more, and once again started enjoying what we have. Our 56th anniversary was just before Christmas and I have prayed to God that thing would get more tolerable. I was so stressed and trying to carry on as we had for so long. I had to change and it just happened. We are hugging and loving one another again. I don't know what I am facing each morning when I wake, but I know I can deal with it if I smile, love him, and find some things to laugh about. I didn't realize that I was grieving, I was angry, and I was not accepting what was happening to my husband. I now know "it is what it is" and I am enjoying every day no matter what it brings. I cannot tell anyone how to get to this point as we are all different and grieving is real-each person will grieve longer and harder. Trying to recognize what is causing all of your stress. I have given up on keeping the house organized as he just is not organized anymore. I have given up on cleaning all the time as he needs my time if just to sit with him. I have given up asking him what he wants for dinner as he does not know so I just fix it and he eats it. A side note. I am 77 and still cooking. I have always cooked and we seldom eat out. I have been somewhat of a gourmet cook. I have found that he now prefers food that teenagers like. I make him pizza, hamburgers, burritos, etc. and he loves it. I hope this is helpful to someone.

This has been one tough week at our house😩😩😵‍💫
I went away for two nights and my husband(74 with MCI) did fine while I was away. On Monday, I started packing for our snowbird trip and then must have sent him into a tizzy. I am having second thoughts about going, but know I need to. My husband has been doing the night wandering laps and wanting to start the morning routine between midnight and 3 am. I am “yelling” at him when I point out the time. One morning I woke up to him measuring our bed. My husband said that the internet said he has to sleep 7 hours a night and eat dinner at the same time. I am still baffled that 7 hours turned into some unit of linear area measurement. A man who cannot write a note or text had a sheet of paper with this information. BTW: He only looked at the AI answer.
He is resentful that I am packing, planning the route and doing all the preparations. His mind simply cannot do it. He takes his clothes, balls them up and stuffs them in a duffle. The spatial confusion is real. I changed our itinerary to simplify the stops and route. I am a little nervous about staying in hotels and I will use all locks to keep him in the room at night.
He has been wearing the same clothes to bed that he has worn for multiple days and I have to gently suggest a shower every few days. I have asked him to not wear his street clothes to bed and he lies to me and says he just put them on. Last night at 4 am he came back to bed with a robe over his clothes.
A man that took pride in his looks and hygiene now goes to the store in clothes that could stand up on their own. My husband still drives in our very small town and can navigate our area okay.
Yesterday, he had an old obsolete cell phone out, wanting to know why he could not text, check email, etc.. My words trying to explain that his latest phone is the one with service were received with a blank stare. When I put the old phone away he accused me of confiscating it and punishing him.
One day this week he never turned off the TV, put his phone down or participated in a conversation all day. That was a rough one for me. We have small house and it is hard to get away from the TV noise.
I am constantly getting told how mean I am that I will not get him a new car. Realistically he may only be driving for one more year at the most. We have two vehicles with less that 50,000 miles on the,
Today got me and he won. My husband decided that our grandchildren, ages 12 and 15, needed a stuffed squirrel. He was gone for quite a long time and came home with one stuffed dog and said the girls could pretend it is a squirrel. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The girls did not ask for it nor would they want it. I will let our daughter explain this one to her daughters. My husband does not want me to tell anyone about his impairment(they know). We will be spending a week with them prior to traveling to where will be staying for 6 weeks.
I know it selfish of me to push getting out of the cold upper Midwest winter, but with everything going on at home and in the world, I really need it. I realize that my husband will need me more and I will not be able to leave him at the condo. I am also going knowing this will probably be our last year.
I do try to use what I learned in the caregiver class and suggestions for the support group that I attend, but I am human.
I am asking… when do you realize you could not travel anymore?
We are still waiting for an appointment to figure which type of dementia he has and how severe it actually is.
I hope you all got a giggle out of my highlights from this week.

@minniem I have been dealing with this for some time. Around Christmas, I unknowingly accepted my husbands dementia. I thought it was another stage of his dementia but it was me. I became more loving, laughed more, smiled more, and once again started enjoying what we have. Our 56th anniversary was just before Christmas and I have prayed to God that thing would get more tolerable. I was so stressed and trying to carry on as we had for so long. I had to change and it just happened. We are hugging and loving one another again. I don't know what I am facing each morning when I wake, but I know I can deal with it if I smile, love him, and find some things to laugh about. I didn't realize that I was grieving, I was angry, and I was not accepting what was happening to my husband. I now know "it is what it is" and I am enjoying every day no matter what it brings. I cannot tell anyone how to get to this point as we are all different and grieving is real-each person will grieve longer and harder. Trying to recognize what is causing all of your stress. I have given up on keeping the house organized as he just is not organized anymore. I have given up on cleaning all the time as he needs my time if just to sit with him. I have given up asking him what he wants for dinner as he does not know so I just fix it and he eats it. A side note. I am 77 and still cooking. I have always cooked and we seldom eat out. I have been somewhat of a gourmet cook. I have found that he now prefers food that teenagers like. I make him pizza, hamburgers, burritos, etc. and he loves it. I hope this is helpful to someone.

@upgirl2013 I’m sorry for your bad week, it’s hard stuff.
My husband (72 MCI) also doesn’t have a definitive diagnosis, which means it doesn’t exist in his mind. He is doing a tiny bit better than your DH, showers and changes clothes daily and drives locally. Can put on a pretty good show to outsiders, but is so narcissistic, bullheaded and illogical that I can hardly be around him.
It’s so ironic for me to see your post today. Yesterday DH and I went to a social function an hour and a half each way, with me driving and I almost lost my mind with sheer frustration and sadness for the loss of my partnership and companionship with him.
We got in a shouting match over his constant complaining about my driving, which exits we should take, why do I have to use WAZE? he hates WAZE, and on and on. I’m so stupid that I started out, after, saying that really, taking a wrong turn wasn’t the most horrible thing that could ever happen and we should let it roll off. But no, we had to aim for revisiting the whole situation. He has told me that I need to learn!! a couple of times….
Anyway… we’re supposed to on a a driving trip that is 4 hours away for a weekend and concert and I just don’t think I can be in a car with him that long. It will certainly be our last driving trip. But..I do worry about the whole trip in general. Things can turn fast when you don’t have full mind function.
Enough rambling, I wanted you to know that I heard you and I feel you. Hang in there? 🤷‍♀️

@lizzabeth Oh my gosh, what you wrote was so very helpful. it really made me think about my own resentment, anger, frustration, sadness, etc., etc.... I want to make him be who he used to be so badly...
I'm happy for you that you found your way. You also made me acknowledge a new path to try and follow.

@minniem I have been dealing with this for some time. Around Christmas, I unknowingly accepted my husbands dementia. I thought it was another stage of his dementia but it was me. I became more loving, laughed more, smiled more, and once again started enjoying what we have. Our 56th anniversary was just before Christmas and I have prayed to God that thing would get more tolerable. I was so stressed and trying to carry on as we had for so long. I had to change and it just happened. We are hugging and loving one another again. I don't know what I am facing each morning when I wake, but I know I can deal with it if I smile, love him, and find some things to laugh about. I didn't realize that I was grieving, I was angry, and I was not accepting what was happening to my husband. I now know "it is what it is" and I am enjoying every day no matter what it brings. I cannot tell anyone how to get to this point as we are all different and grieving is real-each person will grieve longer and harder. Trying to recognize what is causing all of your stress. I have given up on keeping the house organized as he just is not organized anymore. I have given up on cleaning all the time as he needs my time if just to sit with him. I have given up asking him what he wants for dinner as he does not know so I just fix it and he eats it. A side note. I am 77 and still cooking. I have always cooked and we seldom eat out. I have been somewhat of a gourmet cook. I have found that he now prefers food that teenagers like. I make him pizza, hamburgers, burritos, etc. and he loves it. I hope this is helpful to someone.

@lkbous good luck! We stopped going to concerts because the lights, noise of the crowd and logistics to getting to our seats is s**t show. When my husband starts to complain about my driving, I change the radio station and distract him.

@upgirl2013 ooooh. We went to one in Oct, so I'm praying it will go as well as that one did. I'm trying to plan small, memorable things for him because big trips he hoped for in retirement are out of the question. Wish me luck.