Blaming and anger: How do you deal with it?

@pamela78

I am so happy that you post on this board. Your comments always make me feel better and unafraid of what might come down the road for me as a caregiver of a spouse with mixed dementia.

Those of us who have not had to courage to make the decision you made for your husband live in limbo, torn between hope and despair. You bit the bullet, so stop despairing!

Georg's Wife

P.S. Thanks for mentioning, in your last post, a movie to which we caregivers can all relate.

@georgescraftjr Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me, especially today, when I took my husband to a Christmas luncheon hosted every year by the university library for which he worked as a reference librarian for 42 years. I was so worried about how the outing would go that I literally lost sleep over it. It all went better than I'd expected, despite many hiccups, and people were kind. I'm pretty sure this will be the last time I try to take him to any similar occasions. Maybe it's because I'm exhausted and spent the last three hours on the couch that I'm feeling so sad and brokenhearted and I can't even express this to my husband. All I can do is carry on as if all of this is normal and perfectly under control. I do my best to remain cheerful and affectionate and that seems to be enough for him. There is no way I could care for my husband at home, though he wants that more than anything. It was his bad fall in August that brought on the decision to find him a place at a very good assisted living facility that's about a ten-minute drive from my house. It's easy for me to visit him often and I've become a familiar regular and can engage with other residents, who also have obvious difficulties. One gentleman is 105 years old. My husband is quite taken with him. No, none of this is easy, but I believe it's important to listen to your gut and make the best decision for both your loved one and yourself. My son-in-law's mother died of Alzheimer's at age 72 a couple of years ago. She was much too young to suffer this terrible disease. Her husband kept her at home until the end. His daughter wanted her mother to go to assisted living or memory care but he refused. His son, my daughter's husband, went along with his dad and did all he could to be helpful. At the time, I thought he was very brave and strong to keep his wife at home with hired caregivers, but seeing all the advantages of a good senior community (it has to be a good one!) for my husband, I'm convinced that if you can afford a good place, it's a good idea to take advantage of it. My husband was and to a degree remains very sociable. At home he had only me. Where he is now, he has lots of company, many activities to do or not, a pair of parakeets in the main atrium that give him endless amounts of pleasure. We each have to chart this course mostly on our own, but we have lots of company. I never before knew just how much. The conflict about what would be appropriate care for s-i-l's mother fractured the family and it still hasn't healed. This is truly a family disease.

@pamela78
Its very hard to deal with be accused of “trying to be his mom”. when I want to work together he says ok, but continues run his life leaving me to clean up his pieces.
He is high functioning with horrible short term memory and long term is hit and miss. Its been 10 years and i still do not know how to be content. We bicker, i feel like his personal assistant, “Help me when i request.” He can pass the Mini test except for the word memory part, so Doctors say hes fine. He is not!
I dream of leaving.

@rubyredkate I understand. This is terrible for you. If you can't afford a senior facility, then can you get someone to come in to relieve you regularly? If none of that is possible, if I were in your shoes, I'd consider leaving and continuing to visit. Do you have kids? Does he? Relatives who could help? Ten years is way too long to be so unhappy. He has an illness, but you have a big problem and deserve help.

@rubyredkate , some conditions that cause dementia have more behavioral symptoms than memory such as Lewy Bodies,
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/lewy-body-dementia/symptoms-causes/syc-20352025

@pamela78
Thank you for caring. He’s physically able to do life as normal, so a care center is not needed. I’ve ruled out Lewy Body, and Frontal Temporal dementia. Its looking like a very long memory slide into Alzheimer’s. It’s things like technology confusion no matter how many times i help. He deletes apps forgetting what they are for. Then says where’s my …. App. I get so tired of new passwords and logins that he messes with. Or calls the wrong doctors for an appointment. Or tells his family things that are 1/2 correct. His memory of today may actually have happened months .
He still volunteers and does a great job. But following directions to put something together is very hard. We work together on those things.
I want to take One day at a time with patience, i think thats my peace ticket. I get so locked in to trying to anticipate the future that im not enjoying today.
Merry Christmas!

@rubyredkate Me too, with being locked into the future. This MCI and the progression is scary. Really scary. And it's so hard to predict the future. My husband has the same technology problems. As for passwords my husband was hacked into last year at the end of the year. OMG, that was horrible. Someone got possession of his PC, and our accounts. So every password had to change, and I had to do it, and he has the list on paper, but I'm not sure every day what's going on up on that PC. And I'm so worried he will hit something again, and we'll be hacked into again. I need to take over the bills, that's been a bit of a challenge, but moving into 2026, that's a priority,
Yes following directions for my husband a challenge too. And I like you am trying to take one day at a time, but some days are so confusing and tiring for me, I can barely handle it all. I'm trying to just stay calm and get my mind into a more peaceful state. I didn't even put up a holiday tree this year, I was so maxed out! Merry XMAS to you too....and to every caregiver out there.

@rubyredkate My husband began showing signs of loss about seven years ago. At first I wasn't even sure I was noticing anything; I thought maybe it was just me. But when friends began to assure me that I wasn't making it up, I realized where we were going. It all went very slowly and he was able to function quite well for a long time. It was so gradual, until I began to feel a lot of frustration at his repetitiveness and generally annoying behavior. He started aggravating our Chihuahua, that we've had for nearly ten years, and there was a lot of chaos in the house. I nearly gave the dog away but, thankfully, I didn't. He keeps my company now and I'd be lost without him. My husband had a bad fall in August and that was a major turning point. It was clear something had to be done, so I really didn't have to make a decision. Without that fall, he might well be home today. How do you one day decide today's the day to find another home for him where he can get the care I can't provide. I have health issues too. If he were to fall again on my watch, we'd both be in big trouble. When you reach a breaking point, you'll know. Meanwhile, you cope the best you can. This is hard and that's the truth. I find the sadness almost the worst part of this ordeal. I'm sure I'm experiencing more grief than my husband is, for which I'm grateful. He has enough to contend with.

@kjc48
I want to hug you! Sounds like our journeys are similar. I also did not put up a tree but i did decorate because grand kids come over occasionally. I have a silly fake tree with ornaments. LOL, i may go for a walk today and look for a Charlie Brown tree before my family arrives tomorrow for a quick gift exchange.
Do you have kidos near you for Christmas?

@rubyredkate what a gift you are @rubyredkate I needed your hug today. I really did. OUr blended families are scattered; 2nd marriage. My son is in Texas, His sons one in Florida (but not near us), on e in South Carolina, and other in New jersey. On any given day two are mad at us. Go figure. Just for being a parent, I suppose. Or still angry over divorces 40 years ago. Gosh, with so much going on, trying to be a caregiver and figuring that out, I can't worry about the kids as much as I used to. They are grown, 48 years old and up. I have a little Public ornament tree for 19.99 that's giving me joy, and a Santa chef, and a few other XMAS ornaments around but not much. I'm just trying to focus on meal, as my husband has lost weight. I'm worried if that's from the lequembe infusions, but I didn't see that as side affects. So, I'm trying.....I go for walks too, that makes me feel better. And thank you for reaching out. Your hug is a real perk. Thank you. Merry XMAS.