Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

I am the same. My 34 y/o is on medication but has grown more and more disrespectful blaming everything on me. I know exactly what you mean about walking on eggshells. I can't even talk to him a lot of the time as it feels bad as he continually berates me, extremely verbally abusive; sometimes I'm afraid he will hurt me.

I can't let go though because he will end up under a bridge. I am 72 years old and still work a bit because I have to keep helping him financially. I am at my wits end and want to run away but it's daunting to do that at my age. I have no energy because this situation is exhausting. Why can't I just live in peace for the years I have left. I will probably die from a stroke because the stress is just too much.

equinefanatic: Sadly what you are describing is actually elder abuse - regardless of his mental health status.
I more than understand what you are doing, Believe me, I truly get it. From one enabler to another...I know.
We are doing our very best to "help" our suffering sons. But as you can see - you have given up your life for him, and here's the important part - it is NOT helping him. In fact, you are saying it's getting worse. And it will.
You certainly deserve peace in your life, you more than paid your dues in life. Now at 72 you deserve all that is good, peaceful and happy as you live out your senior years! We are know of the HIPPA laws (confidentiality) but YOU can report his behavior to his psychiatrist, therapist, treatment team, etc. They can not tell you anything about HIM but you can report what you are going through with your son. My guess is, his team knows NOTHING of how he is acting at home with you. Can you get yourself to a therapist to help YOU? If it is a financial burden there are ways you can see someone, pay on a sliding scale or if you have insurance? Try your local senior adult services center first. Perhaps they can point you in some direction. Any close friends or family you can confide in about him? A pastor or someone you have ties with spiritually? And there is also the option of calling your local or state senior abuse hotline. Hopefully you can google this & have access to a computer. If not, get to the local library. The staff there can help you if you don't have computer skills. And, please, if you feel your life is in danger...you MUST call 911. The police will handle everything. Perhaps he will be admitted to an inpatient unit...at the very least if he is held for 48-72 hours, you can call their social services department and plead your case. They must act to protect you. Is there someone (family/friend) you could temporarily live with while everything gets sorted out? You must start working on plans to help yourself get out of this situation. And I more than hear you about "letting go, because he will live under a bridge". My feeling is it seems that is exactly what needs to happen to him, hit rock bottom, and, hopefully, he will right himself & get his life back on track. I don't know his diagnosis, don't know if he is on the right psychiatric medication for his condition. This needs to be addressed. He is abusing his prescription medication or any drugs? If so, you are completely in a no-win situation and will never be able to reason with him. I recently got a great book for exactly what you/me are going through with our mentally ill/substance abuser sons who are tearing our family life with them apart.
But you are not at the stage you need to read a book right now. You must start taking actions, even small steps to get yourself out of this terrible situation you are in. You must focus on YOURSELF now. Your son is NOT ready to change and no matter what you do now, to "help" him, will not work but only drain yourself. Accept this about your son right now. Life can change in the future. But be in the present moment and your present moment is horrible...and dangerous! I know you are a wonderful Mom to him...I am too. We deserve our adult sons to treat us as such. We are NOT responsible for their choices or if suffering from a mental illness...you can not simply sit back and take his abuse. Regardless if he is in his "right" mind or not. NAMI is also a wonderful organization to get involved in. It would be great if you had a buddy/friend/relative/his treatment team to help you navigate though all of this. It's overwhelming, I know. But a step at a time. I know when other folks on this site read your story, you will get even more advice. Take it all in. Start taking back you life. It's NOT your fault he suffers from a mental health condition. Accept that because it is TRUE.
Wishing you all the best! Keep us posted.

Thank you!

Thank you!

This sounds just like my son, 36 y/o still living at home. We completely support him. My husband I are at a loss. Refused therapy or medication. We also walk on eggshells around him.

A beyond difficult situation. I am in your shoes. First, you and your husband must take all the steps you can to help yourselves. You must have heard of NAMI - you can find a virtual session on line (if his problem is mental health issues). Also Nar-anon or Al-anon for the families (anyone really) of loved ones who are substance abusers, alcohol or drugs. Again, they are on line and there are many, many sessions you can join. I am dealing with Nar-anon right now. Believe me, you feel your particular situation is bad - some of the stories I hear from other Moms are truly horrific with their adult children. There is always a family in worse shape than yours...sadly.
Also, I am in therapy myself because I need help in how to cope with him, and how to cope with myself, as I travel this journey with him no parent ever wants to take. I would highly suggest that...if you are not in therapy now.
Lastly, I don't know if a book would help you. But an excellent recommendation would be "When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart - coping with mental illness, substance abuse & the problems that tear families apart". Author is Joel L. Young, MD. It's not magical nor will cure situations but it's a very good read for parents like us.
Remember LEAP as a coping skill with your son - Listen, Empathy, Agree and Partnership. Maybe this tactic with him will push him into getting help or plant a seed in him...the goal is Partnership with each other for him to "try" treatment.
And remember the 3 "Cs"...you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it.
My heart is with you. You are not alone. The very best to you.

Welcome @kathyacurl, I know how difficult it is for both you and your husband. What has helped my wife and I deal with a similar situation in the past was finding a local support group and being able to learn more about mental health and how to care for ourselves as well as our son. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has a list of support groups along with some very helpful information on their website - https://www.nami.org/support-education/support-groups/.

Hoping you can contact them and find some help.

I am a dad wit 32 year old son with mental problems and another 2i year old mental and seizures i am 66 and recovering chemo and will never have a life me or them i pray for Jesus to come back before i die i have nobody to take care of them and would have to be welthy to secure them a place to go to be takin care of them i with would die since there is nothing i can do to fix this sround here mental people go to prison when police have to help you find them till they get mad and put you in prison even if they have to mame something up once they get there slim chance getting out because not folling there rules even if your retarted they just hate you more for having say somthing over and over

Did you know that Adderall or add meds can trigger psychosis and or paranoia in those who are genetically predisposed to it, or in some others. ? Jmho. I have a son with schizophrenia and one with Bi Polar 1, who is now well on a fairly small dose of zyprexa for a few decades now. Its been about 25 years of studying brain research and or basic learning how to be there for my 2 (out of 4) sons with MI and for myself at the same time. 2 do not have zMI, to be clear.
The best thing I think I can offer to either of my sons, or anybody is to be present for or with them, to let them know I wanted to help them to help themselves, and not try to change them, but set my boundaries for respect and equanimity.
I know its a cliche but we cant do it for them.
I also had to let go of suffering, because I was in too much pain to keep on living that way, and to this day I still struggle with the repercussions of the toll the grief process took on my body. Its like the sons they were died, yet there was no funeral, or acknowledgement of it, no casseroles or practical help, Caretaking was often a life or death situation I was dealing with, a lot of responsibilities. Long story short they each hit bottom ended up in a state hospital. For me and them, it worked out, but that doesn't happen for everyone. Whatever happens if you are like me, you need to have your own life and reasons for living beyond your relationship with him. My sons and I have a better relationship because of it.
You are not alone. You deserve to be happy.

Yes, I know Adderall can trigger paranoia (I see it now) and psychosis (not seeing that yet).
Yes, I fully understand offering my help in anyway to stop abusing these drugs but fully know I can not change him or cure him. I can talk the talk, he alone must walk the walk if he choses to. I don't have to tell you it's heartbreaking. A son so full of potential all of his life and then the crash 3 1/2 years ago...& with the abuse of amphetamines he won't be able to ever come out of the rabbit hole. And during this time I was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2024. I feel the chronic, never ending stress and heartache had something to do with this surprising diagnosis for me. He is my only child. Smart enough to attend one of the best colleges in the US and smart enough to get in a very prestigious grad school for his MBA in Europe. He speaks 3 languages. But substance abuse does not discriminate...Yes, to be brutally honest, I look at his life now (which is nothing, totally isolated) and wonder if he would be better off dead. Because in a sense, he did die to me while he is still alive.
I am 70, worked very hard my entire life as a nurse. I carried the family being married to my ex. The stress of that 30 year marriage, I believe, gave me heart disease. I was abused, the abnormal was normal to me until he did the unforgiveable. But he wanted out of the marriage anyway...he wanted to relive his youth. And, therefore, my son also saw the dysfunctional, his childhood must have been terrible for him. I feel so incredibly guilty about it. He is in the mid-west & I am on the east coast. I remarried to a wonderful man. So happy with him. These are my so called "golden years"...I suffered a lot since early childhood. I was emotionally neglected and the fall out from that still remains to this day. We carry everything into our adulthood. I only know happiness with my husband now. And at this stage of my life, dealing/coping with my son who is so terrible unhappy and self-medicating. Despite seeing a therapist and psychiatrist (who both know nothing, he is lying to them to get the drugs) he has not changed in over 3 years. From day 1 to this day, nothing has changed for the better in his life, it just has gotten so much worse. I am finally experiencing my best life, and he is experiencing his worse life - right now. I am so so sad. I know you are right. I deserve to be happy and I do take those moments when they happen. But he is always always somewhere in my mind. I have a letter written to him saved in my computer stating everything...it's a loving and concerning letter. Yet, I am afraid to send it to him. My greatest fear is he will cut all ties with me, never speak or visit me again. I will never be able to take that, it will cause me great depression. He is already completely estranged from his father. But my ex is so different from me. He never had the close ties my son and I had - with him. It's easy for him to disconnect. I can't. I am literally frozen with fear. Yes, I see a therapist and taking medications for my panic disorder and PTSD.
The beautiful letter I wrote him is waiting. In it, I say the truth about his abuse of Adderall and other amphetamines. But I am afraid. I don't want to lose him by letting him know I know exactly what he is doing.
Anyone's thoughts on this will be helpful. Thank you all for listening. My son is sick...and so am I.