Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

Again, so sorry to hear this. So, at around 40 his behavior became irrational and progressively got worse. Did you see any indications of mental health problems at any other stage in his life?
Could the crux of the problem be he started to use drugs to self medication his pain after losing his daughter in a custody battle? Does he have a history of drug use in the past? I have experience with that situation also. Not sure what came first...abuse of his prescription medication which caused his brain (thinking process, self judgement, self awareness, impulsive behavior, etc.) to become irrational or his mental illness became so unmanageable for him, he decided to self medication in mis-using/abusing medications? Just something to consider. If he is in the throes of drug abuse it certainly can cause all his paranoid ideations and all irrational behaviors. When you speak with him on the phone he could be "high" and, therefore, nothing he says makes any sense. Again, your hands are tied here but you can help YOURSELF as much as you can...get involved in a support group for families of the mentally ill or if you feel it could be drug-related behaviors Narc Anon...at any rate get yourself into therapy to help you navigate this truly awful time in your life. Of course, you love and miss him very much. And you worry...all the more reason to take steps to try to help yourself. This won't locate him but, hopefully, it will decrease your worries, help you to be more accepting (right now) of your present situation and help you to find a little measure of peace in all this. And, of course, turn to God/Higher Power...ask to help take away some of this horrible burden you are carrying every single day. Reach out to your church (if you have one) for help. Blessings.

March 6
I'm so sorry to hear that your relationship with your son has become so difficult. I have a son who is 44. He was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder at the age of 14. His illness also includes schizoaffective features. Though I understand that you are out of touch with your son right now, it might be a good idea if he could be seen by a different psychiatrist, to find out whether a second (or even a 3rd) psychiatrist agrees with the diagnosis of paranoid personality disorder. Some of the symptoms you have described, such as isolation and paranoia, can be experienced by bipolar patients who are experiencing psychosis, or by patients with schizophrenia. Paranoia and isolation can occur when a bipolar patient is manic, or when he/she is depressed. Since the medication he is currently taking is not helpful, it could be that the diagnosis is incorrect.

There are many different medications that are used to treat bipolar disorder. In addition to a mood stabilizer, some patients take anti-psychotic medications. The anti-psychotics are often helpful in treating the symptoms of paranoia. Paranoia and isolation often go together, because when a patient is experiencing paranoia, he/she may not feel comfortable being around other people, or being out in public.

If you can encourage your son to see a different psychiatrist, he will need to understand that he must take the new medication for a while, before it can be determined whether the new meds are helpful. It will also be important that he take the medications regularly, as prescribed. If he becomes a patient of a different psychiatrist, then the new doctor will most likely encourage him to start seeing a therapist again, as well.

As far as the HIPAA legislation is concerned, you can talk to his doctor to give him/her information about your son's behavior and symptoms and struggles. Unless your son signs a release allowing his doctor to give you information about his diagnosis, medications, and treatment, the doctor cannot talk to you about those things. My son has signed the appropriate release for me talk to his psychiatrist and his psychologist every year since he turned 18. Since he was diagnosed at the age of 14, there was no need for him to sign a release until he turned 18. It may have easier for us, because he was used to me interacting with his doctor from the time he was 14.

I wish you the very best as you attempt to re-establish contact with your son. Somehow, you will get through to him that you want to help him. When he is willing to accept that help, then he can seek out different psychiatrist(s), and possibly get a different opinion about his diagnosis.
Connie

I am going through a similar experience. It truly breaks your heart to watch it unfold. I have been doing as much for myself as I can. Lots of yoga, walking outside, eating well and regular bedtime. I’m still struggling, but that’s life I tell myself. Sending prayers to you!

@conniey How I wish it was that easy, Connie!
Of course, everything you said I have been down that road. I have done everything but stand on my head to try to help him, offer my help in any way possible, offered & suggested EVERYTHING you wrote. And all to no avail. He's in the mid west, I am in Central PA. We are in contact (text, phone) but only on his terms, not mine. He road blocks me at every turn but first gives the impression I have a "good idea", & then he follows thru with NOTHING I suggest. He is/has been immobile/paralyzed for 4 years now. Same psychiatrist, won't change. Won't move, there's nothing now for him in his city, except doctors. Complete isolation continues, and never mind friends/extended family, but from me and his father. Works from home but won't discuss his job with me. Discusses nothing with me about his life. Our calls consist of what new medication he is now trying (he does his own research, asks his psychiatrist for a new medication & his psychiatrist goes along with him) and my medical updates. At least he use to visit me, now that is falling by the wayside. I want to visit with him, he comes up with many excuses not to. I believe his condo is now a total mess & probably embarrassed. His father lives in the south...has his head in the sand and actually said to me "I can't help him, wish I could". I am a former psychiatrist nurse, working in the field for 25+ years - so I know "the drill". I called his mental health clinic and the office manager refused to allow me to speak with his doctor. Only said "is he a danger to himself or others?". "If so, we will call 911". I believe my son is not transparent with his sessions with psychiatrist/therapist. Absolutely no change in him for 4 years. I ask him "how can I help you?". His response "just support me." Well, support what?? His lack of any improvement for 4 years? His heart breaking life he is/has been living? He's 41 now. Should be in the prime of his life in every way. The anger and frustration I feel can't be measured. But I can't direct that at him. I did a couple of times and he "punished" me by not calling and refusing all contact with me. I was the one who had to reach out, I could not tolerate being isolated from him. This entire situation with my only child is making me sick. Last year diagnosed with breast cancer...a connection?? Chronic stress wrecks havoc with your body and mind. Do I completely disengage from him or keep whatever lines of communication open I have with him? I am not even sure of his mental health diagnosis. His behaviors run the spectrum. Despite my best efforts, does nothing for himself in the way of self-care. Nothing. He is a heart attack waiting to happen. Every weekend spent entirely in bed. Use to love to cook, now never. His entire life up to age 37 was simply fantastic, he was happily climbing the ladder in work, traveling, engaging with lots of his loving friends, a wonderful son to me in every way. He was so very well liked, a leader in his job, admired by all his staff. Living a wonderful life. So his new boss wanted what my son made with the job and moved him to another position he hated & took his job. Then his best friend of 30 years died, all within 1 year. Absolute trauma, no question he took 2 major, major hits. Went down the rabbit hole and has no indication, whatsoever, of ever climbing back out. A surprise to me. My son always made lemonade out of lemons. Abuse of his prescription medication? Yes, probably. I have proof but can not tell him because I "snooped" in his room while visiting me a year ago. But he tells me now he is "off that drug". Is it the truth? Who knows? I feel my hands are completely tied. I told his father "we are standing by, while our son is drowning." He had no response to this...never was the father-of-the-year with him but was wonderful when he was a baby and small child. As my son grew, my ex just became more and more involved in himself and his toys. Abusive unfortunately...perhaps I should have divorced him when my son was 5 instead of waiting for him to finish college. The guilt is unbelievable. My son more than knows I want to help him. But he won't let me.
Thank you for all your thoughts. Of course, you are right-on with it all. How I wish I could implement them...he won't let me. All the very best as you travel your road with your son.

Thank you for sharing your story. When my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 14, my heart was deeply broken. It was very hard for me to accept. Now she is already 30 years old. Over these past 15–20 years, we have gone through many ups and downs together.

At one time, I even felt very angry and asked myself why this happened to my daughter. I wondered if I had done something wrong as a mother, or if I had failed her in some way. I felt a lot of guilt. When I looked at her friends, who all seemed to be doing well and becoming successful, I often asked myself why my daughter had to go through this.

Even though she has this illness, she has also experienced many very difficult moments in life. Sometimes she would be extremely high and energetic, talking very fast; other times she would hide away and become deeply depressed. During the years when she most needed friends, it was very hard for her to make friends at school. People often could not understand her behavior. Even I, who believed I accepted her, sometimes could not truly do it.

I often felt guilt, anger, and helplessness toward my daughter’s struggles. Your situation sounds very similar to ours. Sometimes on the outside she looks normal, but in reality she is still unwell. The saddest part is that she also blames herself and wants to hide from others. My daughter often feels ashamed and wonders why this happened to her.

In fact, many of these children are very intelligent. They often strive for perfection and set extremely high standards for themselves, but their expectations are very rigid and not flexible. Eventually, the pressure becomes too much and the illness appears.

During this long journey we have seen many doctors and tried many approaches, including psychotherapy and medication. But what we discovered is that the most powerful healing comes from unconditional love and acceptance. Many times my daughter told me that all she really needed from me was a listening ear, together with love and acceptance.

I used to think I loved her very much already, but honestly, I could not always do this well. I am only human, and I also have my own thoughts and judgments. In the end, I realized that forgiveness and acceptance are the only ways that can help heal our relationship.

Sometimes neither I nor my daughter could do this by our own strength. What helped us most was faith — trusting that our Heavenly Father is watching over and protecting us.

Please take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself. There are many things in life that we simply cannot change. The only thing we can do is try to live with peace and let go, placing everything into God’s hands, because we are only human.

Quietly wait with hope. Perhaps one day your child will be reconciled with you again.

My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately you are so far away and have no control over the situation. You may have to let go. Worry only causes you stress, stress can cause illness. I know, I have an only adult son 52 who is now safe from himself in a psych ward at a hospital an hour from me. I am a widow. I can't afford to get sick over my worry. I visit him every other day. He went into hospital with serious paranoia off his meds for 6 mos. Sadly in your situation you are too far away to help him, and he doesn't seem to want your help. I know about that. Maybe let it go for a month and see if he reaches out to you. Let it be his call. I'm so sorry. I know your anguish and tears.

Thank you so very much for your kind words and sincere comfort. Yes, you have been/are in my shoes.
Last year diagnosed with breast cancer and often wondered if the chronic stress, worry and heartbreak caused an increase of inflammation in my body leading to BC. Who knows?
But I hear you loud and clear about letting it go and watching my stress level and health.
I truly believe in the mind body connection.
He is my only child, completely isolated. He only has me and his father (divorced) in his life now. No matter what, we must keep the lines of communication open. No matter what. It would be to much to bear if we totally lost contact with him. I was in an on line NAMI support group for the first time last night. To be honest, I was in a different place than the other parents/etc. one of the leaders said I was grieving - and she was right. I am grieving over what was with my son, living a full, engaging, wonderful life in every way - to now a life that's terrible and completely alone. What was, what is. But I said I must keep the texts and phone calls alive...I would not be able to tolerate it, IF I lost him - not knowing anything at all and completely disengaged from him.
She said "you probably have to do that". She has no children. Easy to say, for me, next to impossible to do.
The very best to you.