SusanEllen66: I'm in the same situation with MCI, diagnosed a year ago. Much advice for caregivers but often I feel so alone being on the "other" side.
If you want to meet other people with MCI, or dementia
please go to http://www.daanow.org
DAA is Dementia Action Alliance. It’s for people with MCI, or any type of dementia. It is specifically organized for the person with the disease.
I have met people from all around the US, and Canada online via Zoom “activities” we have an arts group, music, literature, one meeting is Faith, Hope, and Love.
I really enjoy the others. There is no cost or obligation. You can attend or not…
Talk to me anytime. Anyone on this site can. I will be kind and will not mislead you. My heart and mind hear and see your angst. I feel for the ones who have this horrible disease and sometimes I am thankful that you share. It let's me know I really am not alone. Prayers, love and hugs to each of you!❣️❣️
My husband, diagnosed with MCI 3 years ago, drivers license taken away several months ago, wants to do a chainsaw carving on a 15ft tall tree stump and would involve using scaffolding. In the past he did some nice carvings, safely, and professionally. He is quite angry with me for telling him that I don’t want him to take on this job.
He won’t drop the subject. I’m prepared to do anything possible to make sure that he can’t move forward on this. I feel like I’m the person who actively limits what can bring him joy, but common sense prevails. This will go from bad to ugly and I’m just dreading the fallout. Any advice on how to redirect? I’m hoping that he will just forget that he wants to do this. I feel horrible that I have to “be the bad guy”
SusanEllen66: I'm in the same situation with MCI, diagnosed a year ago. Much advice for caregivers but often I feel so alone being on the "other" side.
I am so sorry you have received this diagnosis. It's difficult for anyone to understand what it's like being a caregiver unless they have been there. It's even more difficult to imagine being the LO with dementia. I hope you can find a community like this one.
If you haven't already gone to alz.org you might want to do that. They have groups like this for both caregivers and persons living with dementia. It's the Alzheimer's Association website and has a lot of good information.
My husband, diagnosed with MCI 3 years ago, drivers license taken away several months ago, wants to do a chainsaw carving on a 15ft tall tree stump and would involve using scaffolding. In the past he did some nice carvings, safely, and professionally. He is quite angry with me for telling him that I don’t want him to take on this job.
He won’t drop the subject. I’m prepared to do anything possible to make sure that he can’t move forward on this. I feel like I’m the person who actively limits what can bring him joy, but common sense prevails. This will go from bad to ugly and I’m just dreading the fallout. Any advice on how to redirect? I’m hoping that he will just forget that he wants to do this. I feel horrible that I have to “be the bad guy”
Hello..
I don't think you are the bad guy. With the one's who are given the task of keeping peace and also at the same time protecting our loved ones from themselves certainly feels like you do. Do you have a previous incident that you can compare that might remind of the fallout of his actions? Has he fallen or gotten lost? Try to remember something where he was in a situation that you can talk about. They will still get angry no matter what. It sounds dangerous and I certainly understand the ramifications of the fallout. I use examples of other things that have caused my spouse to be injured. Hopefully he is only using words and not threats. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told that I can't stop him. He is stubborn. Do you have family that can help with this? It sounds like another voice of reason needs to come into help. My son helps and he listens to him. I saw him once say Dad are you wanting to break a bone just because you don't want others to know? Which by the way I said the same thing. Pride seems to be part of the equation. Women tend to be what will happen if he does this or that. I believe we think in a nurturing way and safety always prevails. I am concerned for you as well. My husband gets so angry when I don't feel like going out. He does not think of the numerous things I have to do and take before we get out the front door. I change the subject and start to cook. Because usually he wants to go out for food. My husband will not get rid of his driver's license. He cannot drive due to his neurologist sending information to the DMV. He won't physically turn in his license, Our insurance still has him on the policy. Which means it cost more. When I approached him about what they said he was so angry and said awful things to me. I might take his name off of my car. Before we got rid of his vehicle I parked behind him. Hid his keys and he was furious. His behavior returns back to it everytime we go out. He was so dangerous that he would stop on green at a light and then turn . There were cars behind us and I had to say go this is not a red light. We almost got rear ended. That was the last time I rode with him. We have sold his beloved truck. He cannot remember how to get to his neurologist office. Believe me I don't know the answer for you..but can you speak with the person wanting the job done? I feel helpless in helping you. But since you said scaffolding and I am sure a saw is included . I am sorry this is so long. Doesn't he need to drive to do this? I would use this if you can. He will possibly be angry but redirect with the driving. Heavy equipment. My husband cannot lift. Good luck and God bless.
My husband, diagnosed with MCI 3 years ago, drivers license taken away several months ago, wants to do a chainsaw carving on a 15ft tall tree stump and would involve using scaffolding. In the past he did some nice carvings, safely, and professionally. He is quite angry with me for telling him that I don’t want him to take on this job.
He won’t drop the subject. I’m prepared to do anything possible to make sure that he can’t move forward on this. I feel like I’m the person who actively limits what can bring him joy, but common sense prevails. This will go from bad to ugly and I’m just dreading the fallout. Any advice on how to redirect? I’m hoping that he will just forget that he wants to do this. I feel horrible that I have to “be the bad guy”
I’m in the same situation. I found my husband on the roof the other day. Last week he climbed a ladder to cut down a tree. I refused to spot him while he tried to measure the roof hanging outside a window. Fortunately he relented and found a safer way. My question is how do you stop them when it’s clear that what they’re doing is dangerous?
Hello..
I don't think you are the bad guy. With the one's who are given the task of keeping peace and also at the same time protecting our loved ones from themselves certainly feels like you do. Do you have a previous incident that you can compare that might remind of the fallout of his actions? Has he fallen or gotten lost? Try to remember something where he was in a situation that you can talk about. They will still get angry no matter what. It sounds dangerous and I certainly understand the ramifications of the fallout. I use examples of other things that have caused my spouse to be injured. Hopefully he is only using words and not threats. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told that I can't stop him. He is stubborn. Do you have family that can help with this? It sounds like another voice of reason needs to come into help. My son helps and he listens to him. I saw him once say Dad are you wanting to break a bone just because you don't want others to know? Which by the way I said the same thing. Pride seems to be part of the equation. Women tend to be what will happen if he does this or that. I believe we think in a nurturing way and safety always prevails. I am concerned for you as well. My husband gets so angry when I don't feel like going out. He does not think of the numerous things I have to do and take before we get out the front door. I change the subject and start to cook. Because usually he wants to go out for food. My husband will not get rid of his driver's license. He cannot drive due to his neurologist sending information to the DMV. He won't physically turn in his license, Our insurance still has him on the policy. Which means it cost more. When I approached him about what they said he was so angry and said awful things to me. I might take his name off of my car. Before we got rid of his vehicle I parked behind him. Hid his keys and he was furious. His behavior returns back to it everytime we go out. He was so dangerous that he would stop on green at a light and then turn . There were cars behind us and I had to say go this is not a red light. We almost got rear ended. That was the last time I rode with him. We have sold his beloved truck. He cannot remember how to get to his neurologist office. Believe me I don't know the answer for you..but can you speak with the person wanting the job done? I feel helpless in helping you. But since you said scaffolding and I am sure a saw is included . I am sorry this is so long. Doesn't he need to drive to do this? I would use this if you can. He will possibly be angry but redirect with the driving. Heavy equipment. My husband cannot lift. Good luck and God bless.
Thank you for your insights.
Yes, I can bounce this off his brother, who has thankfully been able to pick him up every few months so they can do “projects” together. This gives me a much needed reprieve of several days in a row to just breathe.
Yes, I would have to be the one to drive him to this job ( which I will not do). Yes, he will have to borrow scaffolding from a friend, which I can circumvent. Thank you for helping get those options to the forefront. His anger is not physically dangerous toward me but is emotionally crushing.
Oh, and we have a “beloved truck” too…the one that was so meticulously cared for now has several dents, dings, etc. I was not surprised he failed the OT driving evaluation which prompted neurologist to report to DMV. He has not driven the truck since. If he does, he knows I will take the keys. I know this situation is very difficult for him and I try to empathize, but must draw the line when he or others could get hurt.
I’m in the same situation. I found my husband on the roof the other day. Last week he climbed a ladder to cut down a tree. I refused to spot him while he tried to measure the roof hanging outside a window. Fortunately he relented and found a safer way. My question is how do you stop them when it’s clear that what they’re doing is dangerous?
Oh, that sounds absolutely frightening. It is so emotionally exhausting trying to save them from themselves every day. The only way to attempt to stop them is to stand firm. When I have to run out for a quick errand or a short walk I either bring him with or pray that he stays put with a safe activity. I encourage him to call friends to chat ( he loves talking on the phone). I try to distract him with other activities. With home maintenance, either I do it, or with your case re: the roof, call a buddy to be on scene to talk sense into him, or tell him that I will hire a professional to do the project. I completely understand your concerns. It feels like you are training a toddler not to touch the stove 24/7.
Oh, that sounds absolutely frightening. It is so emotionally exhausting trying to save them from themselves every day. The only way to attempt to stop them is to stand firm. When I have to run out for a quick errand or a short walk I either bring him with or pray that he stays put with a safe activity. I encourage him to call friends to chat ( he loves talking on the phone). I try to distract him with other activities. With home maintenance, either I do it, or with your case re: the roof, call a buddy to be on scene to talk sense into him, or tell him that I will hire a professional to do the project. I completely understand your concerns. It feels like you are training a toddler not to touch the stove 24/7.
My husband, diagnosed with MCI 3 years ago, drivers license taken away several months ago, wants to do a chainsaw carving on a 15ft tall tree stump and would involve using scaffolding. In the past he did some nice carvings, safely, and professionally. He is quite angry with me for telling him that I don’t want him to take on this job.
He won’t drop the subject. I’m prepared to do anything possible to make sure that he can’t move forward on this. I feel like I’m the person who actively limits what can bring him joy, but common sense prevails. This will go from bad to ugly and I’m just dreading the fallout. Any advice on how to redirect? I’m hoping that he will just forget that he wants to do this. I feel horrible that I have to “be the bad guy”
You are not the bad guy. You are the caregiver with the task of keeping him safe, while keeping yourself sane.
This is such a difficult disease as often physically our spouse is functioning- even strong, yet emotionally regressing all the time.
All I can say is hopefully you have a place to honor yourself and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.
It sounds like you do have other people who can help somewhat to divert your situation but in the end it’s you. Sending hugs as I sit on my porch holding back tears myself. Hang in there.
Thank you for your insights.
Yes, I can bounce this off his brother, who has thankfully been able to pick him up every few months so they can do “projects” together. This gives me a much needed reprieve of several days in a row to just breathe.
Yes, I would have to be the one to drive him to this job ( which I will not do). Yes, he will have to borrow scaffolding from a friend, which I can circumvent. Thank you for helping get those options to the forefront. His anger is not physically dangerous toward me but is emotionally crushing.
Oh, and we have a “beloved truck” too…the one that was so meticulously cared for now has several dents, dings, etc. I was not surprised he failed the OT driving evaluation which prompted neurologist to report to DMV. He has not driven the truck since. If he does, he knows I will take the keys. I know this situation is very difficult for him and I try to empathize, but must draw the line when he or others could get hurt.
Yes, someone totally gets it. I feel like he is in the "Circle of Life". He is somewhere between school age to teenager! I think you have it together. I understand his angst as well. He was so loving the last two days. Thankful for that! Take care and stay strong. 🫂
Connect
Connect
Like
Helpful
Hug
@mablesmith We are not the only ones.
If you want to meet other people with MCI, or dementia
please go to http://www.daanow.org
DAA is Dementia Action Alliance. It’s for people with MCI, or any type of dementia. It is specifically organized for the person with the disease.
I have met people from all around the US, and Canada online via Zoom “activities” we have an arts group, music, literature, one meeting is Faith, Hope, and Love.
I really enjoy the others. There is no cost or obligation. You can attend or not…
Hope to connect with you there 🌵🌻
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsMy husband, diagnosed with MCI 3 years ago, drivers license taken away several months ago, wants to do a chainsaw carving on a 15ft tall tree stump and would involve using scaffolding. In the past he did some nice carvings, safely, and professionally. He is quite angry with me for telling him that I don’t want him to take on this job.
He won’t drop the subject. I’m prepared to do anything possible to make sure that he can’t move forward on this. I feel like I’m the person who actively limits what can bring him joy, but common sense prevails. This will go from bad to ugly and I’m just dreading the fallout. Any advice on how to redirect? I’m hoping that he will just forget that he wants to do this. I feel horrible that I have to “be the bad guy”
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsI am so sorry you have received this diagnosis. It's difficult for anyone to understand what it's like being a caregiver unless they have been there. It's even more difficult to imagine being the LO with dementia. I hope you can find a community like this one.
If you haven't already gone to alz.org you might want to do that. They have groups like this for both caregivers and persons living with dementia. It's the Alzheimer's Association website and has a lot of good information.
I hope you find this helpful.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsHello..
I don't think you are the bad guy. With the one's who are given the task of keeping peace and also at the same time protecting our loved ones from themselves certainly feels like you do. Do you have a previous incident that you can compare that might remind of the fallout of his actions? Has he fallen or gotten lost? Try to remember something where he was in a situation that you can talk about. They will still get angry no matter what. It sounds dangerous and I certainly understand the ramifications of the fallout. I use examples of other things that have caused my spouse to be injured. Hopefully he is only using words and not threats. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told that I can't stop him. He is stubborn. Do you have family that can help with this? It sounds like another voice of reason needs to come into help. My son helps and he listens to him. I saw him once say Dad are you wanting to break a bone just because you don't want others to know? Which by the way I said the same thing. Pride seems to be part of the equation. Women tend to be what will happen if he does this or that. I believe we think in a nurturing way and safety always prevails. I am concerned for you as well. My husband gets so angry when I don't feel like going out. He does not think of the numerous things I have to do and take before we get out the front door. I change the subject and start to cook. Because usually he wants to go out for food. My husband will not get rid of his driver's license. He cannot drive due to his neurologist sending information to the DMV. He won't physically turn in his license, Our insurance still has him on the policy. Which means it cost more. When I approached him about what they said he was so angry and said awful things to me. I might take his name off of my car. Before we got rid of his vehicle I parked behind him. Hid his keys and he was furious. His behavior returns back to it everytime we go out. He was so dangerous that he would stop on green at a light and then turn . There were cars behind us and I had to say go this is not a red light. We almost got rear ended. That was the last time I rode with him. We have sold his beloved truck. He cannot remember how to get to his neurologist office. Believe me I don't know the answer for you..but can you speak with the person wanting the job done? I feel helpless in helping you. But since you said scaffolding and I am sure a saw is included . I am sorry this is so long. Doesn't he need to drive to do this? I would use this if you can. He will possibly be angry but redirect with the driving. Heavy equipment. My husband cannot lift. Good luck and God bless.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsI’m in the same situation. I found my husband on the roof the other day. Last week he climbed a ladder to cut down a tree. I refused to spot him while he tried to measure the roof hanging outside a window. Fortunately he relented and found a safer way. My question is how do you stop them when it’s clear that what they’re doing is dangerous?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsThank you for your insights.
Yes, I can bounce this off his brother, who has thankfully been able to pick him up every few months so they can do “projects” together. This gives me a much needed reprieve of several days in a row to just breathe.
Yes, I would have to be the one to drive him to this job ( which I will not do). Yes, he will have to borrow scaffolding from a friend, which I can circumvent. Thank you for helping get those options to the forefront. His anger is not physically dangerous toward me but is emotionally crushing.
Oh, and we have a “beloved truck” too…the one that was so meticulously cared for now has several dents, dings, etc. I was not surprised he failed the OT driving evaluation which prompted neurologist to report to DMV. He has not driven the truck since. If he does, he knows I will take the keys. I know this situation is very difficult for him and I try to empathize, but must draw the line when he or others could get hurt.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
6 ReactionsOh, that sounds absolutely frightening. It is so emotionally exhausting trying to save them from themselves every day. The only way to attempt to stop them is to stand firm. When I have to run out for a quick errand or a short walk I either bring him with or pray that he stays put with a safe activity. I encourage him to call friends to chat ( he loves talking on the phone). I try to distract him with other activities. With home maintenance, either I do it, or with your case re: the roof, call a buddy to be on scene to talk sense into him, or tell him that I will hire a professional to do the project. I completely understand your concerns. It feels like you are training a toddler not to touch the stove 24/7.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsMy son has told him to call him but when my husband wants something done right away, he doesn’t wait.🙄
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsYou are not the bad guy. You are the caregiver with the task of keeping him safe, while keeping yourself sane.
This is such a difficult disease as often physically our spouse is functioning- even strong, yet emotionally regressing all the time.
All I can say is hopefully you have a place to honor yourself and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.
It sounds like you do have other people who can help somewhat to divert your situation but in the end it’s you. Sending hugs as I sit on my porch holding back tears myself. Hang in there.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsYes, someone totally gets it. I feel like he is in the "Circle of Life". He is somewhere between school age to teenager! I think you have it together. I understand his angst as well. He was so loving the last two days. Thankful for that! Take care and stay strong. 🫂
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 Reactions