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I survived suicide attempts
I haven't attempted lately, though the idea lingers. I've taken overdoses a number of times, and spent time in a nice facility twice. At this point, I mostly don't want to end my life, primarily because of concern for my wife. Sometimes, when I'm in a lot of physical and emotional pain, I wish I had died.
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I haven't said anything for awhile. I've been fighting depression the past few weeks, and along with it, thoughts of suicide. It takes so much effort just to get out of bed and after breakfast, more effort to get out of the recliner. Once I manage to start doing something, it feels good. Some days are more productive than others. I've been at the place where the "my family would be better off without me" pattern of thought sometimes makes perfect sense. I know that what seems rational when I feel like this, is actually irrational. It's midnight, and I need to sleep. I just felt a need to tell someone what's going on in my head right now.
@jimhd I am so sorry that you are on this horrible ride. I am glad you took the time to let someone know what is going on inside your head, and how badly you are hurting right now.
**IF your feelings and thoughts are making you feel, that YOU ARE going to hurt yourself, PLEASE, GET HELP right away!
** YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU are IMPORTANT, Jim!
YOU have spoken to me before, in replies to my posts, and YOUR words gave me hope. You are hurting, and I HEAR you! You are right, thoughts, and feelings when you are in this "up and down" pattern, can seem rational because we hurt …BUT they are NOT. I KNOW. It IS hard at times to separate, rational and irrational, when inside, we feel defeated... but Jim, YOU recognize the difference. Remind yourself, “over and over” that YOU CAN & WILL get past the irrational thoughts. It is an ugly part of the cycle of depression. A darkness, which SO many of us have faced, and have fought our way through, to find the light. LOOK past that darkness, Jim...
I KNOW how difficult that is to do... BUT, YOU can do it! Through the darkness, YOU WILL find light. I HEARD you, @jimhd! FIND YOUR SAFE PLACE.
I AM HERE for YOU... and others are here, for you! YOU do NOT walk, this bumpy road, alone!
Jim, writing out what you ARE feeling, and have been feeling, allows others in, so they can help you through the darkness. KEEP the effort going, to write a few sentences here, in the forum. A safe place, with others, that have been where you are, or feel as you do.
REACH out, and you will find MANY hands reaching back! **I extend my hand to you JIM... tag me, or email me. I am listening to you, Jim... **
Were you able to find a therapist, yet? I know it was something you were working on. IF you ARE in therapy, please let them know how you've been feeling. Contact your Primary care, if you do not have a therapist yet.
As difficult as it can be, please do not isolate yourself, during this time. KEEP telling yourself, reminding yourself, that you CAN get through these feelings, and thoughts. REMEMBER that you have gotten through them before! MAKE that extra effort Jim, to GET out of bed each day, and after breakfast, KEEP GETTING out of your recliner. ONCE you start doing something, YOU said YOU feel GOOD! Do that every day... NO matter how small a project you find to do, even if you can only handle a little bit some days...DO IT... and “surround” yourself with the GOOD that it brings you!
YOU ARE important, and I AM positive, you're VERY needed by your loved ones. YOU have spoken of them before. You shared in this forum previously, that you cannot talk about suicidal thoughts with your family, as the topic makes them grow silent. I am sorry. I know what that is like, as I have tried to speak to my sister, in the past, and she too, grew silent. THEY don't know what to say, Jim. NOT YOU or I cause their silence. It is the way some people handle such deep emotions. It makes them face their own fears. IT DOES NOT mean they don't LOVE, WANT, & NEED YOU! YOU are their loved one!
I believe the "silence" also comes from their NOT wanting to think of us as gone... because they LOVE us! My sister has told me this. Our loved ones HAVE stood by us because they do WANT, & NEED us!
YOU have a PURPOSE, Jim, EVEN on the days you cannot see it. Last night your purpose was to reach out, and share how you have been feeling before you went to bed. MY purpose this morning was to see your post... and tell you, I HEAR you. I am HERE for you! YOU are NOT alone.
@jimhd YOU CAN talk here, openly, to us, to ME... I KNOW the ride, as well! So do others.
Jim, do you remember the ladder analogy I wrote? It's in this forum's posts. YOU agreed that we could only live ONE rung at a time. Your ladder IS still here Jim! YOU are still climbing it! YOU hang on to the rung; you are on, and KNOW that your ladder is NOT broken. YOU CAN and WILL get to the next rung! You climbed it, by writing your post last night; by the effort, you put into each day, no matter how much self-pushing it takes; by getting back out of your recliner every day... by doing projects that make you feel GOOD. By being the one that "needs comfort" instead of always being the one to give it. Keep climbing, JIM!
@ jimhd, I hope that you slept well. Truly, restful sleep. Know that you are on my mind, and in my warmest thoughts. I genuinely care about you...on good days, and on rough days.
The roads are less "bumpy" when we walk them with a friend. You are NOT walking this road alone. With warm, and comforting thoughts, to you... ~Kim
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1 ReactionIt sounds like you are putting up a fight against this depression good for you. Are you seeing a therapist? and how is it going.
I'm not seeing one now, haven't for maybe 18 months.
@jimhd you may want to look into group sessions or activities in your community that interest you. I know that getting out even for an hour or two helps my mood and sometimes I talk to neighbors that usually annoy me so I feel more alive. Its those little things I do like even taking my scooter out to go shopping that makes my day. Little activities can be just as helpful to your health than those long tiresome tasks that you do not want to do but feel you have too
I'm a Hospice volunteer, and visit patients weekly. I also volunteer at church, playing the piano and leading worship for the Sunday evening service, and right now, I'm directing a Christmas choir, with weekly rehearsals. I like to do those things, though I don't receive enjoyment from them like I used to.
There are activities that I do which I do not enjoy as much as I used to but I continue to do for the socializing I live in an apartment so I get alot of interactions with people so when I can get chance to be alone with my TV and cat I suck it up. There are times that I feel depressed but I push myself
We live 7 miles from town, on 10 acres. We have neighbors, but our houses are pretty far apart, and I only interact with them if we happen to see each other outside. There tend to be more days in the winter when I really don't want to get out of my recliner, but I usually do manage to do something every day. Today, I'm waiting for it to warm up enough to put sealer on a landing I built last week by the shed door. I don't know - it's almost noon, and only up to 39. We'll see.
jimad- How are you doing? I can tell you as an old soldier and chaplain- I have had such feelings, so I really do care how you are doing and what you are doing to help with the depression and feelings of suicide- Depression/ and PTSD go hand--in - hand, however it can always be something else to open old wounds or new ones that make us look to much at our selves for the solution or a solution right. I just wanted to say I hear you and I would be honored you hear your story and why and ow you think about suicide. JJAMES
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