Share this:
MENTOR
Jim, Volunteer Mentor
@jimhd

Posts: 1193
Joined: Aug 10, 2016

I survived suicide attempts

Posted by @jimhd, Oct 6, 2016

I haven’t attempted lately, though the idea lingers. I’ve taken overdoses a number of times, and spent time in a nice facility twice. At this point, I mostly don’t want to end my life, primarily because of concern for my wife. Sometimes, when I’m in a lot of physical and emotional pain, I wish I had died.

REPLY

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Liked by safetyshield

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

I have several things I can do. Read the Bible, pray, acknowledge the thought, remember the reasons I want to live, and right now, wanting to see our daughter’s first baby, due in March. I think that all of the cognitive therapy I’ve received over the past ten years is finally taking hold.

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Jimhd- Since I was 12 I have read my Bible- and now at 71- lives to serve through two wars and I served as a chaplain at 9/11 for NYPD- from Phoenix. I say that (ONLY) because I have never found life to be easy, always hard and a real challenge – I believe no where does it say God says it’s going to be easy, or there would be no need for faith-thank for you sharing, it has helped me already by your words and your endurance. JJ

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Jim- thank for your courage in sharing about a hard subject-suicide, I believe Jim that many more people think about it than we’ve ever know- life today especially is hard( harder than the 50’s-in my book anyway) The young soldiers I work with tell me, they feel no hope anymore in America- that they would rather be with their buddies in Iraq or wherever, why -because it’s their family and I do understand, has been my family for 44 years plus, and I don’t find the same caring spirit than I have in the Military. Yet-we have such a raise in suicide, the Army is the highest, and then the Marine’s are second ” combat troops-mostly infantry soldiers and Marines” They see the worse of humanity- and then come home to ” what is for the most part- no purpose, no order, no one looking out for the other person. it’s all about them-has you have heard many people say I’m sure. But, we both know there are good people in every city- but sometimes we have to look a little harder and be the first one to speak out and show kindness to those who are hurting, or even hold the door for someone-even if they don’t say thank you. If I can share with everyone – there is ” I believe one of the best books ever written about Suicide” The author was a Russia/Jewish Man to came to LA, Calif. in the mid-50 to become a medical doctor at UCLA, but after a few years and hearing so much about the raise then in suicide- he decided to do both and became ( The founder in suicide prevention- as a Doctor in Psychiatristry) . He has written many book about the subject and taught at UCLA and Marian University in WI, The book have read and re-read many times is titles: “Suicide As Psychache” about the loss of innocent an the mental pain that is connected to the thoughts of suicide. AS a Chaplain for the last 38 years I have counseled many soldiers and police officers ref: to suicide, No please don’t think -I’m an expert- that is a big NO and not possible anyway, I believe the only One who can really see inside a person and their mind is God and only God. But we all should be alert for those who maybe hurting so much that their way out of the pain is suicide- we all need a life line ” all of us, doesn’t matter who they are or we are- or what profession- we need each other and to be able to listen and never judge. The pain in our minds-can be just as real as a serious Illness. Your thoughts. Johjames

Liked by Kim

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Thanks for the invite Colleen. The only thing that keeps me from the brink now ( I was revived from my last attempt) is worrying that if I screw it up I could suffer terrible brain damage…..this would be on top of my current physical disability caused by CRPS. My late husband, as you know died in late May from a “surprise” diagnosis (just 6 weeks previous to) of colon cancer, pulled me from the brink, the last time.
P.S. While I do respect everyone’s faith choices, and I am happy that they have that to turn to in their time of need. I am not religious myself, and I hope that you respect that as my choice.

Overwhelmed, I’m really sorry about your husband and the loss that it affects in and around your whole life.I’m sorry you are suffering from so much of what I would call-Heavy Trauma: and it would be hard for anyone to carry it alone; Yes, my faith does help me in times of such pain and feeling alone where no one seems to really care- and even with faith we still need the human touch and listening ear. Many call it a ” life Line” which is that person we can trust with out lives and trust with are deep secrets, of pain and the feelings of just giving up on life- because of the mental pain and the lack of purpose and real hope. But know whatever you believe or not- people care about you and we don’t want you to feel alone or that there is no options left. There is, and people and friends have to step up and hold your hand as long as it takes- until the hope of innocent and purpose begins to surround you again and it can and will with time and having others help carry your burden. You are in my prays and I hope you know I’m not nor anyone I would bet is in anyway judging or listening to your needs any difference and the important of now feeling alone. Make sense I pray. JJAMES.

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Jim, I believe by talking about suicide out loud and with other people- that in itself is a positive step. Jim, when you can- take sheet of paper, sit down in a quiet place where you won’t be bothered by other people or noise, write down on the front sheet- the reasons you believe would lead you to suicide and try and write down why? And than on the back page, write down what you would like to do with your life- is there a goal that’s important to you? are you meeting with other people for fun-just to talk and have coffee( for example) think about why you would really want to die, if there something that is overwhelming that you can fix it- if not- have to asked for help for anyone- that’s hard for allot of us, as a Chaplain and former Infantry Soldier, I feel weak at times asking for help-as I should be able to answer my own questions about depression and why I feel hopeless. I want to be able to serve again somewhere- and when you have to retire- for most anyway-it’s leaves a big hole in your life, your day, your purpose- you ask your self is life over and now I’m worthless and can’t offer anything to any body. You train in the Military everyday and you see soldiers at Walter Reed for example, pray with them, talk with their family and their children- being able to help them with lodging and toys- food and transportation- then all of a sudden- they hand you your discharge – and the next day you don’t put on the uniform and there isn’t PT call to run 2 miles( well-that one I can pass on) but my point is depression. If you don’t mind me sharing with you about the man of God ( Elijah,) he had been in a major battle against Gods enemies and was on the run- a man to showed and lived his faith( A man of great faith the Scripture tell us, yet all of a sudden he became very tired and fearful of those chasing him and fell on his knees and prays that God will take his life- that he didn’t want to live anymore under such circumstances- he really wanted to die( but God wasn’t angry or called him weak or anything negative- He said lay down, sleep and the angels will bring you food and drink until you are rested and ready to re-join the ranks. I don’t know Jim if any of this helps- Your worth more than you might think or feel right now. But please know your not alone. JJames““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““

Liked by Kim

Overwhelmed I also hope you find comfort and support in conversations

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

johnjames this task you are asking jim to have you used before with others and what has the outcome been, reading what you wrote was interesting to me and I am curious about its history and response

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Over,

When I was first suicidal, I wasn’t dealing with any significant pain issue. Depression took a nosedive, partly because of slander and libel, directed at me. A few messed up women constructed false rumors about me in the tiny town we were living in. I was already depressed, and the circumstances, added to the chemical imbalance in my brain, dumped me into a deep, dark hole. Being in that place, I experienced all of the symptoms of clinical depression, hopelessness, worthlessness, irrational thinking…

Suicide began to appear to be the only way out, and I believed that it was the rational solution. I knew the cliché, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but being in that place, words didn’t have any effect on me, of course.

As I said the other day, what keeps me safe now are my family, my faith and therapy. Even so, I do have times when I find myself too close to the brink, as you put it. My wife is glad that I’m safer now, so she doesn’t have to worry every day about becoming a widow.

I’ve been a follower of Jesus all my life, and yes, that does give strength during the hard times. But it isn’t religion that gives me hope and peace and a reason to live. Religion doesn’t produce those things, at least not for the long term. Relationship is the only thing that can do that.

Spirituality is part of who we are as humans. I’m sure you already understand that. People who take care of the spiritual part of them do it in a variety of ways, some more effective than others. I don’t regret having followed Christ as my spiritual source. His Spirit living in me gives me the hope that I need to keep living, and he gives me the assurance that regardless when or how I die, I’ll spend eternity with him in Heaven, wherever that is.

Anyway, I’m glad that you expressed your respect for people with “religious” faith. I respect others whose faith is different from mine, as well.

I’m very sorry that you live with such intractable pain. I hope that each of us finds some level of relief.

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Perhaps I’ll be able to respond to you tomorrow. Thanks for your words.

Jim

Thank you all for your kind words. These conversations between people who have, either directly themselves, or someone close to them, experienced these most sensitive of situations (for the lack of a better word).
I was interested to see how or what others had experienced as far as reaction from their spouses and families? Surprisingly, my husband at the time called me a coward, and his parents took our names off of of their Wills’ (we were the Trustees) and stopped speaking with us for a time (???) My mother who thinks she is somewhat of a Psychologist because she had to do some training in that respect for her Child & Youth Worker Diploma (she use to work with troubled teens in a group home), was happy to tell me not to worry, that she had told my brother, aunt and grandmother that I was in the hospital because I had hemorrhaged due to another medical condition that they knew I had!! First of all she didn’t even need to tell them anything! If she hadn’t called them
they would never know any way! I wasn’t embarrassed by what I had done, but she sure was!!! But she still wanted the attention that she could get out of me being in the hospital. I even remember my mother constantly threatening to commit suicide when ever she had a big fight with one of her boyfriends.
She would often blame me for the breakup as well.
I think that my grandmother & my aunt would have understood to a certain extent. You see my grandmother (paternal) apparently had suffered some severe depression and had said that she would have killed herself but she was too much of a coward. Also my paternal great grandmother hung herself in my grandparents house. Unfortunately, it was my grandfather that found her when he came home after work.
Go forward 16 years & my now ex-husband commits suicide!!!!! I guess HE’s the coward after all !!
So you see, it has been virtually impossible to have a conversation in relation to the depression that I find myself falling deeper & deeper into.
The one thing that may differ from some is that I believe that I should have a right to commit suicide if I want to. All this talk about people & suicide near end of life! What about the ones who still may have a lot of life left. A lot of life left to live in this terrible pain!! We treat animals that are in pain better than we do humans!!! Why do we have so much compassion for them and not for ourselves?
When I got together with my second husband I thought, finally I am in a good place after year & years fighting the big “S”!!!!
Then the CRPS came and managed to devastate my whole life!! Physically. & mentally!!!! I gained over 145 lbs, due to side effects from several of the medications along with the inability to get around much or exercise due to the pain. The dry mouth caused by a few of my medications caused me to lose many of my teeth to the point that I now need dentures! I lost my job after over 21 years! My job was who I was, (sad but true) if that makes sense. Losing my job was a big blow, although as my condition progressed I knew that there was no way that I could have continued doing my job & working the hours that I was working! It was a definitely big part of my mental downward spiral. Going from making six figures to now living below the poverty line on disability was a real wake-up call. Then when my husband died everyone said you can apply for his pension, so I did and it got me a whole $30 more a month!!!!! It’s just so crazy.
Anyway, I am very sorry if I started to ramble, I really, really do not have anyone to talk to.
So I DO really appreciate the support and conversations and sometimes education that happens here.
I apologize if I have been too blunt for some, and appreciate those of you who continued to read and understand.
Thanks you.

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

safetyshield, The task I was sharing with Jim -ref: Suicide Intervention and ways to help change ones desire of death- to life and how ( and ways we can help change some of that way thinking- through various techniques – believe this what your asking about) ? Let me know so I can answer with the back ground you are looking for. i can tell you most of what I do, I learned at the Army War College and the various schools I was blessed in going, for the main purpose of Suicide Intervention- if that helps any. John James

Liked by safetyshield

@overwhelmed

Thank you all for your kind words. These conversations between people who have, either directly themselves, or someone close to them, experienced these most sensitive of situations (for the lack of a better word).
I was interested to see how or what others had experienced as far as reaction from their spouses and families? Surprisingly, my husband at the time called me a coward, and his parents took our names off of of their Wills’ (we were the Trustees) and stopped speaking with us for a time (???) My mother who thinks she is somewhat of a Psychologist because she had to do some training in that respect for her Child & Youth Worker Diploma (she use to work with troubled teens in a group home), was happy to tell me not to worry, that she had told my brother, aunt and grandmother that I was in the hospital because I had hemorrhaged due to another medical condition that they knew I had!! First of all she didn’t even need to tell them anything! If she hadn’t called them
they would never know any way! I wasn’t embarrassed by what I had done, but she sure was!!! But she still wanted the attention that she could get out of me being in the hospital. I even remember my mother constantly threatening to commit suicide when ever she had a big fight with one of her boyfriends.
She would often blame me for the breakup as well.
I think that my grandmother & my aunt would have understood to a certain extent. You see my grandmother (paternal) apparently had suffered some severe depression and had said that she would have killed herself but she was too much of a coward. Also my paternal great grandmother hung herself in my grandparents house. Unfortunately, it was my grandfather that found her when he came home after work.
Go forward 16 years & my now ex-husband commits suicide!!!!! I guess HE’s the coward after all !!
So you see, it has been virtually impossible to have a conversation in relation to the depression that I find myself falling deeper & deeper into.
The one thing that may differ from some is that I believe that I should have a right to commit suicide if I want to. All this talk about people & suicide near end of life! What about the ones who still may have a lot of life left. A lot of life left to live in this terrible pain!! We treat animals that are in pain better than we do humans!!! Why do we have so much compassion for them and not for ourselves?
When I got together with my second husband I thought, finally I am in a good place after year & years fighting the big “S”!!!!
Then the CRPS came and managed to devastate my whole life!! Physically. & mentally!!!! I gained over 145 lbs, due to side effects from several of the medications along with the inability to get around much or exercise due to the pain. The dry mouth caused by a few of my medications caused me to lose many of my teeth to the point that I now need dentures! I lost my job after over 21 years! My job was who I was, (sad but true) if that makes sense. Losing my job was a big blow, although as my condition progressed I knew that there was no way that I could have continued doing my job & working the hours that I was working! It was a definitely big part of my mental downward spiral. Going from making six figures to now living below the poverty line on disability was a real wake-up call. Then when my husband died everyone said you can apply for his pension, so I did and it got me a whole $30 more a month!!!!! It’s just so crazy.
Anyway, I am very sorry if I started to ramble, I really, really do not have anyone to talk to.
So I DO really appreciate the support and conversations and sometimes education that happens here.
I apologize if I have been too blunt for some, and appreciate those of you who continued to read and understand.
Thanks you.

Jump to this post

I resonate way too much to say anything critical about you or your situation. I know quite well what it’s like to have people say terrible, insensitive things about the pain and about depression. Some of those remarks caused me to sink even deeper into the dark pit of depression.

I suppose you’ve heard the Catholic position on suicide, which is shared by many non-Catholics. The belief is that suicide is murder, and it ends a life on a human’s calendar, rather than on the timing of God. Thus, it’s a sin that will prevent that person from entering Heaven.

I don’t hold to that view. My limited experience has shown me that the decision to commit suicide is not, as a rule, a rational one. The decision to commit suicide is usually made under very difficult circumstances, whether it’s physical pain or psyche ache or another desperate response to life issues. I believe that God’s grace and mercy and forgiveness would embrace and welcome us, not condemn us to an eternity in the torments of Hell.

Suicide is not a subject I can bring up with my wife or other family members. If you want to see a roomful of people become silent, just say something about suicide. It really puts a damper on party conversation. Often, people say that talking about it only makes us think about it more, and makes us more likely to act on it. So, it’s good to have a place where it’s safe and acceptable to share our thoughts and feelings with others. Perhaps we can learn to acknowledge the pain and find ways of coping.

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

SShield- The history of the study of Suicide, is a Graduate level in Thanatology,// the study of the dying process- the meaning of death itself- It investigates the Mechanisms and forensic aspects of death, such as Bodily and emotional changes, and the wider psychological and social aspects related to death- no matter how a person died- you investigate how the person lived and what factors ( if any- that the person plays a roll in their own death) it also is an extended study of grief counseling for Suicide Victims ( referring to the family or any loved one affected by their death) Also the compassion in any situation where you can help the family with whatever needs they my have. The Military started looking into the practices and the Buddy system for a program to teach all soldiers to some degree about suicide intervention and how to become a ( what we call) Battle buddy. Always being near and listening to the soldier who maybe thinking of suicide, is this the history you are thinking-or the history of the church and suicide, JJames

Liked by safetyshield

Please login or register to post a reply.