Meet fellow Caregivers - Introduce yourself

Hi There, my name is Sandy and I am responsible for my Mother's care. I am an only child and currently have my mother in an assisted living facility. My husband started with some significant health issues of his own, and I made the difficult decision to find a place for Mom in Sept of 2015. It's very hard to know the right thing to do.... I feel torn trying to do right by my Mom and my husband. Now I have had to return to work full time in order to pay for Mom's care and meet our budget with my husband unable to work. God holds me together, but seriously - I feel like I could use a "good cry" !

I've been dealing with my Mom's version of reality vs reality for about 5 years now. I do not correct her... What's the point? She's 87 and I would hurt her feelings. The things she says are not harmful. She may say she is getting married and needs to get new shoes... or wonder which preacher she should use. I just respond with something like, "don't forget to invite me!" or "Who's the lucky guy?" On the cruise with people you are not going to have a long term relationship with - just go with the flow - and not make a big deal out of who is right. If there has to be some facts set straight, Don't do it in front of your loved one. Catch the table mates else where and "explain" if you feel you must. Don't spoil your vacation worrying about details... In 20 years from now; will it matter? But the hurt your loved one would feel from being corrected in front of others will last a long time.

I can relate, but as a daughter to mother, not as a spouse. I think it is so much harder for you... We have a local ARK dementia caregivers support group that meets monthly at our church. They have an additional support group for spousal caregivers, because it is so much harder in many ways. I am sorry you have to go through this... I hope being in this online group is helpful and I hope you find others close to your area for support also. Life is not fair, but God is here for all of us!

Oh, Sandy I can surely relate to the need a "Good cry" feeling and, in fact, sometimes having that cry really helps. I only have half your battle. I have been the primary care giver for my husband for around eight years and the past 3-4 years things have deteriorated very fast. I keep him at home but a few weeks ago had to put him in respite care as I was having issues. Just 48 hours there and I am just now getting him back to where he was with the help of therapists and a great caregiver. I only have the caregiver in the am to get him up and dress him and at night to shower him and put him to bed. I have a heart condition and my doc tells me I cannot lift him and do the things that he needs done but what can you do? I cannot imagine having to take care of both my husband and my mother and work to pay the bills. My heart is with you and if you need to vent, I am usually around. Trish

It is difficult for me at times, because my husband has Alzheimer's and it seems I'm learning something new each day.
There have been days when I found it very difficult for me to cope and handle the situation, but 2 days a week I take him to adult daycare and that is a total blessing. It gives me time to shop, have lunch with a friend, get my hair cut or nails done, all of which is uplifting for me. I really don't like grocery shopping, but find when I don't have to rush to do it and I have more time to look and read, it can be a good outing for me. Pray for the good days and be very thankful for them. You are a wonderful person to take this challenge on and care of your Mom. Mom's are very special.

Welcome Alois!
I invite you to also join in the discussion "Caring for someone with dementia / Alzheimer's" here http://mayocl.in/2ccA0jO
We look forward to getting to know you.

I am Joygirl 1 and I am caregiver for my husband

Thank you for providing this website!

Hi Joygirl 1. Thank you for responding. My husband was diagnosed with dementia about 4 yrs. ago and stayed about the same until a year ago when he fell and broke 2 ribs, so after being in the hospital for over a week, he had to go to rehab and ended up there for 3 months because of other issues. After rehab his dementia went downhill quickly. At times he has a difficult time walking, so now I'm faced with that. He will be starting PT at home in the next week, as he was just released from another rehab this week. He gets a terrible attitude in the evenings, which is very difficult for me to deal with, as I feel he does not appreciate anything I do or have done for him. I know this is the dementia, but still hurts when a person tries so much to help. I will get over that and I'm working on it. I cannot go to caregivers meetings, because I have to be with him. I do take him to adult daycare 2 days a week, which helps, because it gives me time away from him and time to grocery shop and do other personal things. Thank goodness for daycare. I wish you well with the care you are giving your husband. I know God will not give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I question him. I can only pray that each day can be better for my husband and me. Take care and my prayers will also be for you and your husband
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Hello @alois714. As I read your post I realized you highlight three important points for all caregivers to remember.

First, from my years working in research for the national Alzheimer's Association I know it is highly common, and some say expected, that any medical intervention with a dementia patient causes a noticeable stepdown in their abilities.

Second, again from my work with Alzheimer's' Association, 'sundowning' or the loss abilities and cognition late in the day is also very common and another unfortunate part of the disease. In my MIL's case we had to greatly adjust her day's schedule to avoid as much stimulation in the late afternoons and evenings as we could to ease the extra anxiety and agitation from the effects of this.

Third, and this is simply from my 14 years as the primary caregiver for my wife. I will say, as I have said before here, some days caregivers ARE given more than any caregiver can handle. This statement isn't actually even in the Bible, but be that as it may, know that some times and some days a single person simply cannot do it all. We must seek help in some form or another and that is A-OK!. It is not weakness nor a failure against some test. It is just the nature of the incredibly high demands of the 'job'.

I send you peace, strength, and courage!