When you truly, honestly hate yourself

@aczatx47131 - Beautiful!

Wow - thank you so much. I have much more to learn, and just as much, if not more, to let go of - I can relate to your struggle with your mother, too.

Hope we all will continue to hear from you here.

Hugs.

@thisismarilynb your husband married you and stayed with you for 59 years, till death. That fact alone is proof positive that he loved you. His death was beyond your or his control.

I have lived my life full of self loathing. It is only recently that I’ve come to understand that it’s not so much me that I hate as it is what life has made me that I hate.

I am sure I have always done the best that I can with the hand I’ve been dealt. It is always through the lens of unrealistic expectations that I have embraced, that I come up short.

I judge myself far more harshly than I judge anyone else. I do not see others as bad. I believe everyone suffers and no one wants to, but that’s the hand they were dealt. I am not very good at showing the same compassion and understanding to myself.

I believe it is uniquely difficult to hate one’s self and I am sorry for anyone that suffers this way, myself included.

Ten years ago I went to prison for an assault I committed during a psychotic break. At the time I was the CEO of a billion dollar company that I had founded. I had never committed a violent act in my life.

I did not fight the charges, I believed I deserved what was happening to me.

In prison I became a mentor to other inmates, many of whom had committed heinous crimes.

I am now sure of one thing; no one chooses to be a vile person. Everyone acts based on their biology and everything that has happened, in every moment, proceeding the current moment.

I have come to believe that the idea of blame or credit is pointless. I can hate what my life has made me, a sixty year old felon living on disability with his eighty six year old mother, but hating myself seems about as logical as taking credit for everything I have been able to achieve. Neither is relevant.

Now, if I can remember this I may find some relief from the constant desire to kill myself.

I hope everyone lives in peace and good health,

For years I have had very dark times when I wondered how I could go on.

This quote along with others on the ActionforHappiness.com helped me to move forward:

Be a realistic optimist. See life for what it is but look for the good.
https://actionforhappiness.org/optimistic-october

This is not quite true. He was not dying. He had Parkinson's Disease. I took him to the neurologist every three months and he was very thoroughly examined by her. She also went over his medications with me. She told me he was in very good shape for his age. His problem was getting up in the night to go to the bathroom. Twice he fell. I borrowed a walker from a neighbor. I pleaded with him to use the walker at night when he had to go to the bathroom. He refused and said "I can do it myself" The third time he fell he broke his femur and was dead in three months. It was totally preventable.

For years I have had very dark times when I wondered how I could go on.

This quote along with others on the ActionforHappiness.com helped me to move forward:

Be a realistic optimist. See life for what it is but look for the good.
https://actionforhappiness.org/optimistic-october

Thank you again @aczatx47131 for directing us to Actionfor Happiness.com.

I've signed up for their Daily (10-day, free) Check in. Love the graphics, the approach, the gentle reminder that it is...Hope to find more there after the 10 days are up!

I recommend checking it out for everyone!

Thank you again @aczatx47131 for directing us to Actionfor Happiness.com.

I've signed up for their Daily (10-day, free) Check in. Love the graphics, the approach, the gentle reminder that it is...Hope to find more there after the 10 days are up!

I recommend checking it out for everyone!

You are very welcome, brandysparks!

Yesterday I attended their webinar, Life Lessons, with Simon Mundie. The video will be posted on YouTube later today. I will post the link. I highly recommend this webinar.

Simon Mundie uses sports experiences to find a way to happiness. Athletes who achieve their life-long goals are sometimes feeling empty the next day. Often athletes experience flow during their best performances. Flow is the state where we perform and feel at our best. The sense of self drops away, and background awareness is allowed to shine. Flow is always happening. We just don't recognize it. Mundie discussed Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to deal with his insomnia and become aware of flow. He used the Diffusion Technique by Dr. Guy Meadows. Rather than wrestling with thoughts that were keeping him awake, he just said, I am aware of the thought that...This created distance between him and his thoughts, sensations, feelings, etc to get in touch with his aware presence which all human beings have. Awareness is the background to every element of experience. When in pain, a person can welcome the feeling which takes away the resistance to pain, even though the pain cannot be taken away.

This morning I woke up feeling sad but I didn’t know why. So I thought, I am aware that I am feeling sad. The sadness dissipated immediately. My hands were trembling from anxiety, so I thought, I am aware that my hands are trembling. My hands calmed down. I was cooking in the kitchen, standing. My back started hurting, so I thought, I am aware that my back is hurting. The back pain became much less sharp.

Claire

Thank you again @aczatx47131 for directing us to Actionfor Happiness.com.

I've signed up for their Daily (10-day, free) Check in. Love the graphics, the approach, the gentle reminder that it is...Hope to find more there after the 10 days are up!

I recommend checking it out for everyone!