When you truly, honestly hate yourself

@1k194 You've made an excellent start! Your post made me smile, as you wrote and worked through some barriers right here on paper. It is all a matter of little steps. Sure, it is easy to set big goals, but that can be discouraging if/when we are hard on ourselves to get things done. Rejoice and be proud of yourself for recalling the good memories, and work on making more of them! So many of us have been in similar situations, and feeling a bit better is definitely something to cheer us up, and may indeed encourage us to move forward for more positive days.

Remember, baby steps, you can do this, and I want to be right there with you!
Ginger

Did Write Brothers hate themselves when every airplane model came down or when they didn't know how to Turn the damn thing in the air with one fan pushing air in the middle?
Hardly...they got more energized and often debated so hard they'd end up in opposite camps of each other! This is Sort of Support we provide, I think, in this forum.
Having lived eight decades of mine with ups and downs, (more with downs) I sure did get angry and swore loud walking thru underpasses as train would roar above, but then got back to: So What Do YOU do next? There was only one way -- and still is -- try what you haven't. I might've hated myself if I'd kept doing what I KNEW hasn't worked. This is the world we're in. It comes with ITS OWN terms that I can''t change but I CAN change my Response to it. And yes, I did walk outdoors after dark even during Covid rarely finding a walker. I did this because winters ask me; Good looking, wanna play?

So here I'm even today often lugging over 20 lbs of grocery for myself -- so far with no health problems or risks and trying to get the little pleasures that are still in easy reach for most of us, Good luck friends!

@1k194
I absolutely agree with this, I'm actually glad to find in written words something that express this so precisely.
But for me it's a deep real self hatred and also a developed hatred for life, and my life, as in the total experience I've had so far.
I used to love myself, love life and love my life, I delighted in sharing with people in making joy out of every moment, and even enjoying the gifts o watching a sunset.
But my thing is not a belief, or a "depression" problem or a "hang in there youre not alone" type of thing so please don't waste time commenting any of that.
All this has come out of pure and absolute experience in my life, facts.
As if myself and life itself where against me from the very get go, despite my good energy, my good personality, skills and later on my good learned and developed tools for positive change.

I'm writing in this types of forums for the very first time, not in the hope of getting the advice I get on a google search, but in the hope of maybe getting to talk with or know someone who also is experiencing this or has experienced this and overcame it, BUT SOMEONE, a person, not an app, or a therapist, psychologist, coach, expert, NOT A BUSINESS, as that is all "the help" I can actually find in abundance nowadays.

A year ago I woke up every morning in deep despair and desperation. I could not see how I could go on.

About six months ago, I used the daily reminders on calendars from ActionforHappiness.com to move forward out of my despair. In a month, I had a much better outlook. Now I wake up every morning with just a twinge of sadness only occasionally.
https://actionforhappiness.org/all-calendars
This calendar reminder was especially significant for me because I have incurable cancer:

Who we are is a function of our genetics and our environment. We have no control over the former and very limited control over the latter.

All we can do is the best we can with the hand we were dealt.

Whatever you are doing today is the best you can do today.

May you live in peace and good health.

This morning I woke up with more sadness than I have had in months. I sat quietly for a while but could not associate it with any experience in the past.

So I tried an exercise from the book, HealingTrauma with Guided Drawing: A Sensorimotor Art Therapy Approach to Bilateral Body Mapping by Cornelia Elbrecht.

I have large sheets of newsprint, 2 feet by 3 feet, and jumbo crayons. I closed my eyes with a crayon in each fist and drew the same motion with both hands. I started crying and the word spinning came to my mind.

Some of my abuse occurred before I developed language so the memories do not have words. Bilateral Drawing helps me connect to the feelings and find a word.

Now an hour later my sadness has lifted. I hung the newspaper on the wall to honor the struggle to recall this painful memory.

Healing Trauma with Guided Drawing by Cornelia Elbrecht
https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/healing-trauma-with-guided-drawing/

I know how you feel. For a long time now I have felt that I am a "bad" person. I do not have a good self image. Just within the last several weeks I have had experiences that seem to reinforce this image of myself. I have been called negative and entitled. I was gobsmacked. Because I did not think this about myself. Unworthy, unlovable, yet, but not that. However this seems to be the way others perceive me. My husband died 2-1/2 years ago after a 59 year marriage. Now I am beginning to wonder if he ever loved me. I have stopped trying to go out anywhere. Knowing I am going to be judged negatively is too much hurt.

Have you had grief counseling. Sounds like you are in a dark place in your life. Please seek help.

@aczatx47131 Thank you very much. I'm going to look into this, and I appreciate your posting a link to it in your follow-up post.

I've looked into Art Therapy, even tried it with a therapist or two, but it didn't get very far, though, as with everything, it so much depends upon the person, their personality/approach/training/empathy, and so on.

I've purchased many books on Art Therapy (along with many self-help books), but I'm realizing for me it comes down to needing the personal, 1-on-1 engagement with another person/professional to get anywhere in my journey.

[As a note to share on that experience, in an effort to explain or answer one of her prompts in a session, I remember describing the scene that grabs me - that of the calm of a flowing river as it (unknowingly) approaches the precipice of a waterfall (of the magnitude of Niagara falls), with the full force of unavoidable, imminent disaster ahead.]

I do have a lovely LCSW therapist I visit locally, and feel fortunate to find her, but I think it is more of a supportive / friendship (for her mainly - with all good intentions on her part 🤗, truly), and for now I'm ok with that. I know how hard it is to find someone, and even the psychiatrist I had for over 20 years, who was very aware of professional ethics and boundaries, and yet went out of her way to comfort me at times of crisis - didn't seem to get me beyond my lifelong family-rooted struggles. I'll leave it at that for now.

But, again, I do greatly appreciate how you described the experience simply & directly here...
One of the many reasons Mayo Clinic Connect has been an invaluable resource, in innumerable ways, in my life these past few years!

Best wishes.