When you truly, honestly hate yourself

Boy oh boy do I relate to this! The problem I'm having is I'm not trying to stop hating myself or 'get better', which is essentially all I can find online. Why I hate myself doesn't matter for one simple reason. I embody so many characteristics which I hate, both mind and body, the vast majority of being unchangeable and permanent.

I don't want to stop hating myself, if I deserved to I wouldn't have hated myself to begin with. Plus, apparently I'm one of those people who don't learn lessons in life very easily and constantly repeat the same old laundry list of stupid actions which have led exclusively to failure over and over. The hatred is what helps me avoid some of those stupid mistakes at times by providing a baseline emotional state of disgust in myself because if I let it go, stop hating myself, and let myself be happy or optimistic, that's when I will find myself making the same stupid mistakes and circling back to hating myself again. So what's the point of that, first of all. But second, I need to prevent this cycle from occuring due to how disruptive the re-hating process always is. So to avoid these disruptions I need to avoid the re-hating process, and the most effective way to do that is to maintain this hatred as my baseline steady state.

All that said, I'm trying to find a resource which can offer some guidance on how to best go about living this way in the least difficult way.

@ik194 some food for thought:

“If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now." - Elizabeth Gilbert

"Don't carry your mistakes around with you, place them on the floor and use them as stepping stones to where you want to go." -- Karon Waddell

I feel that self loathing stems from early childhood experiences and also abuse, if you grew up with anyone who hurt you deeply and no resolution was ever given. It will definitely cause a sense of being unloved and without treatment you will not grow into a well adjusted person. I struggled with profound fear and insecurity along with PTSD, GAD and a low self esteem and lack of confidence. I struggles my whole life with these feelings and therapy didn’t work because I never knew how I got this bad, it took me my whole life to find out that I was seriously abused by an older sibling who hated me for being born and robbed me of my innocence, I started getting therapy for this and now I understand why I felt like I did. It’s not too late to find therapy for yourself because it can really help you put things into perspective for you, give it a try and see how you feel, it won’t hurt you and hopefully you’ll get rid of the feeling that you’re not worthy of being loved, best wishes to you.

Thanks! I really like the Karen Waddell quote, and will apply it in my life! “Don’t carry your mistakes around with you, place them on the floor and use them as stepping stones to where you want to go.”

Hi Frouke,
I'm sorry that you had such negative experiences when you were growing up! That must have been horrible for you; especially with a sibling who was so mean to you! However, it looks like the therapy helped you. I would have never thought you went through anything like you did because you are so nice! You have made me feel good several times with your kind comments. I'm glad you were able to get beyond the hatefulness that you experienced from others.
PML

Thank you very much, I am still a work in progress but definitely not as lost as I was before, I believe in therapy when all else fails and lots of prayers, like you have always said, talk to God because he made us so he can heal us, amen to that.

@foundryrat743 I like that quote too, and have shared it with my kids as well.

For those of you who may think they were abused in their formative years, but have become grown up, doesn't each day you have woken up falls in your lap with 24 hours to spend All As YOU Can?

There are always things that do and will happen to us because they are outside of OUR control-- what is still in Large part in Your Control is what you do with your life-today. The impetus to use your life with this vision comes to us when we realize life has pleasures AND pains. The two have always existed conjoined -- the most precious joys are not forever closed off from the most deprived. Growing up as a preteen I used to cut large wood we bought into smaller pieces with an ax to make fire because smaller pieces were more expensive. Those were also some of my most magical days I remember in my eighties now. That magic is still free for us to avail who have sensory capacities alive .

Life does not foreclose on us -- not as much as we Think it does.
Look, the new hour, the new day awaits You with its abundance of possibilities. What more could we ask for?