"You're not the only one dealing with issues!"

In early 2022 I left a multi-decade professional job to become a full-time caregiver for my wife, who has moderate dementia, psychosis, severe gait and balance problems, and has had many falls - the worst of which resulted in a skull fracture. We are in our mid-to-late 60s. She is now disabled to the point of being almost bedridden, does not leave our home, and needs help with all activities of daily life. The symptoms progressed rapidly. We have run a seemingly endless gauntlet of CT scans, brain MRIs, brain PET scans, blood draws, over the past two years: no diagnosis yet other than ataxia due to possible cerebellar degeneration.

I've reorganized my life to become my wife's full-time caregiver, working from home while reducing my workload. I help with her needs and handle all grocery shopping, meals, cleaning, laundry, household and appliance repairs, medical appointments, etc. Spare time is very limited.

As a result of these rapid changes in our lives, I have been slow in responding to friends' emails, texts, WhatsApp messages, and calls. Some friends do offer support and express concern once I inform them of my wife's condition. But others have been annoyed, saying that I should be paying more attention to them, that I'm too focused on my own situation - thereby making me feel guilty about being a careless friend. When I provided one person with some details of my wife's condition by way of an explanation for my recent lack of contact, I was scolded "you're not the only one dealing with issues in life", as if I had been too selfish or had a martyr syndrome. Unknowingly, I had hurt this person, and I was taken aback.

I would be grateful for communication tips and stories about how others find time to stay in touch with family members and old friends, without sounding defensive or complaining or making excuses. Many people seem to want to hear only upbeat messages, in my experience. But what if the underlying disease is untreatable or cannot even be diagnosed? How much detail do you provide about the reality of your loved one's condition, medical or diagnostic challenges, and the frustrations and burdens involved?