When the strong one isn't so strong
Good Morning Everyone: I see so many challenging journeys that go on, and I'm not sure if I should even step into this, but here goes as I imagine many others have also felt that way. My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 colorectal cancer just shy of 2 years ago. It was unexpected in his otherwise healthy life, and we were told he likely had 6-12 months left. The experience of 4 missed diagnosis, travel from Florida to Houston for verification and initial treatment, referraly to Mayo's Jax office, relocating to be closer to treatment (still 3 hours away), maintaining and then modifying my work to be a remote contributor, losing my 14 year old dog, assisting my new college age son to relocate to Kansas City……. it's been a wild ride. He has reacted incredibly well from chemo that is now given orally every other week. I see the impact on him (dizzyness, less mental acuity, numbness, frequent urination, numbness in his feet, etc.) but he has an amazingly positive attitude and faith in God that has kept him going. I guess my faith isn't quite so intense and I find myself sometimes "fine" and sometimes with this increasing level of angst, frustration, anger that all this has happened. This is a second mariage for me after raising my son alone, and we were just starting to settle into a nice life. Clearly not everything is "fair" in life, but on some days I hae a hard time embracing that. His children are not with us and not terribly supportive anyway (one is a teen, so that's normal; the other should be an adult at 33 but really isnt). My son has been a positive support for me, but he's starting his own life as he should.
My husband is loving, kind, eager to please and until this pandemic did most of our food sohpping and cooking. How awesome is that when you work!! He'd even love to have sex (at age 73) with regularity, and yet between menopause issue (age 61), I have little to no interest. Plus, I have read that the chemo isn't good for the partner (not sure if that's true or not). We have so much to be thankful for – we are able to manage his treatments from home with just periodic scans since they say he cancer is greatly reduced; we have a comfortable home and lifestyle thanks to my job; our extended families are loving, although not near by. Yet somehow, I still feel like some days I can barely breath or lighten my heart. I know it's not his fault but I find myself resentful of how this has happened and feel terrible for it. Maybe I need a kick in the pants along with my morning walks, but it would be nice to hear how other caregivers move through these types of feelings. Thanks for letting me vent…..