Dealing with verbal abuse: Any suggestions?

Posted by nrocpop @nrocpop, Jul 20, 2021

I am the primary caregiver for a husband that has been critical and judgmental for a long time. Having cancer seems to be an excuse to be even more verbally abusive. He does not treat anyone else like this and generally does not act out if anyone else is around. Nothing I do is ever good enough and nothing I do counts for anything. If someone else sends a message or some by to visit, they are a major hero. Any suggestions? I cannot say that I find caregiving rewarding like some people do

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jal333 | @jal333 | Jul 23, 2021

In reply to @nrocpop "Thank you for your kind reply. I need to think before answering" + (show)

It's hard to think when you are being abused, physically or verbally. There are some great resources at https://www.thehotline.org. Take care of yourself and please be safe, physicallly and mentally!

tigercica | @tigercica | May 5, 2022

I'm new to this and husband recently had a cancer diagnosis. He's always been a rather gruff and dominating type, but since the cancer diagnosis he has become downright verbally abusive all the time, not just to me, but nearly anyone (cashiers, tellers, etc.). It was a bad night last night after a surgical procedure, and this morning I was blamed for everything. Yeah, like years of smoking, drinking, eating crap, failing to go to the doctor and getting esophageal cancer is somehow all my fault and I'm the idiot. Of course objectively I know this is the effect of many emotional and physical things: cancer, pain, Oxy, etc., but it is incredibly hard to be treated as the emotional punching bag for a cancer patient.

Sometimes it just helps to know that this is a common situation and you're not making it up or being the unreasonable one.

Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | May 5, 2022

In reply to @tigercica "I'm new to this and husband recently had a cancer diagnosis. He's always been a rather..." + (show)

I am sorry you are facing this emotional situation along with your husband's cancer diagnosis - makes it doubly difficult!

You have taken the first step - looking here for support, and the second - realizing he is dealing with a tough situation. I had to do that with my Mom after her strokes, and it made a huge difference over time in how she acted with the people around her. Still, there were some bad days when it took everything I had not to burst into tears and run away... The fact that, on some level, your husband knows he contributed to the situation, is probably making his anger even worse. He needs help to process both his anger and his fear.

Since you are at early stages in this journey with him, I suggest that you lean on the support offered by the hospital - for him and for you. They can help you learn to set some boundaries and help him learn to manage his emotions without abusing other people.

Remember that Mayo Connect is also here 24/7 to lend an ear, and to offer suggestions that can help. I am not a professional, just another member, but I will offer suggestions based on my experience and so will our other members.

Can you reach out to either the cancer support team or social worker at the hospital to connect with help?
Sue

davej | @davej | May 6, 2022

I know this seems so easy but when the abuse gets to much safely leave until things cool down. Have an emergency kit packed, get a plan with some trusted people and take care of yourself dave

ann16 | @ann16 | May 6, 2022

In reply to @farmer0233 "My husband was a cancer patient for 5 years. He tried to be abusive but I..." + (show)

My husband had not been physically or verbally abusive; he was passive/aggressive when he would get angry (not talk to me for a couple days). After developing Alzheimer's, he tried to start calling me names. From a safe physical distance (one doesn't know how the disease will cause him to behave), I called him by his entire name, telling him that such language was not appropriate, we NEVER talk that way to anyone. No name calling is allowed. He looked startled, stopped. A couple days later he tried it again. Same conversation. I told him he had the right to dislike a behavior, the right to disagree but no name calling was allowed--from either of us--the only names we have ever used are loving names. The emotional message reached him; did not do it again.

tasher3433 | @tasher3433 | May 6, 2022

In reply to @davej "I know this seems so easy but when the abuse gets to much safely leave until..." + (show)

Agreed.sometimes just having the plan and the go bag, give you enough strength to manage one more day. The person you love is still in there, but damn, some days are so hard.

Julie Chitwood | @billchitwood | Jul 1, 2022

In reply to @farmer0233 "My husband was a cancer patient for 5 years. He tried to be abusive but I..." + (show)

My husband, 89, has dementia. For all of our married life he used silence and refusing to eat in order to 'control' me. I found it easier do basically do as he wished and then he was loving. But I gave up part of myself.
The dementia has triggered more anger and verbal abuse. We moved in with my daughter as I could no longer care for him by myself. Her advice was to walk away when he got abusive. And she would go with me. Sometimes it was really hard, like when he fell. After making sure he hadn't suffered any injuries in the fall we tried to help him get up. He wouldn't listen to us - wanted us to pull him up! He weighs about 200 lbs - I'm 5'3" - Robin just had foot surgery on both feet and wasn't even supposed to be standing. When we told him we couldn't do that he turned completely beyond even X-rated language. Gave him a pillow and blanket and went outside with a cup of coffee. Later he listened to our suggestions. Twice since then we did have to call 911 - other than a cut on the head once (no stitches) he was okay. By the next day he was all sweetness and light. But, unfortunately, in his state that only tends to last until he demands something and I don't jump, or jump fast enough. Old habits are hard to break.
Suggest someone you can go to, if only for coffee or a walk when he gets abusive. Prayers are with you.

Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Jul 1, 2022

In reply to @billchitwood "My husband, 89, has dementia. For all of our married life he used silence and refusing..." + (show)

Oh, Julia, I am so glad you have Robinxs support. How empowering to finally be able to walk away from his anger! I know it must be difficult but what a change.

petluv17 | @petluv17 | Dec 1, 2022

In reply to @nrocpop "I do have a therapist that I like. I was just hoping to talk to others..." + (show)

I can really relate to what you are dealing with. All my husband does is yell at me all the time. He has dementia, sleep apnea, diabetic neuropathy in both feet, and degenerative disc disease in his pain plus OCD! I know he is in pain but that is no reason to take it out on me. I am worn out emotionally and physically from his constant yelling and accusing me if he can't find something. It I am on the phone he resents it since I am not giving him all my attention. I have health problems too but that does not matter since it is all him. He is 77 and I am 76. This is no way to enjoy your senior years. We have no family so and he has no friends so, of course, he takes everything out on me.