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Dealing with verbal abuse: Any suggestions?

Caregivers | Last Active: Sep 15, 2023 | Replies (41)
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@tigercica

I'm new to this and husband recently had a cancer diagnosis. He's always been a rather gruff and dominating type, but since the cancer diagnosis he has become downright verbally abusive all the time, not just to me, but nearly anyone (cashiers, tellers, etc.). It was a bad night last night after a surgical procedure, and this morning I was blamed for everything. Yeah, like years of smoking, drinking, eating crap, failing to go to the doctor and getting esophageal cancer is somehow all my fault and I'm the idiot. Of course objectively I know this is the effect of many emotional and physical things: cancer, pain, Oxy, etc., but it is incredibly hard to be treated as the emotional punching bag for a cancer patient.

Sometimes it just helps to know that this is a common situation and you're not making it up or being the unreasonable one.

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Replies to "I'm new to this and husband recently had a cancer diagnosis. He's always been a rather..."
Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | May 5, 2022

I am sorry you are facing this emotional situation along with your husband's cancer diagnosis - makes it doubly difficult!

You have taken the first step - looking here for support, and the second - realizing he is dealing with a tough situation. I had to do that with my Mom after her strokes, and it made a huge difference over time in how she acted with the people around her. Still, there were some bad days when it took everything I had not to burst into tears and run away... The fact that, on some level, your husband knows he contributed to the situation, is probably making his anger even worse. He needs help to process both his anger and his fear.

Since you are at early stages in this journey with him, I suggest that you lean on the support offered by the hospital - for him and for you. They can help you learn to set some boundaries and help him learn to manage his emotions without abusing other people.

Remember that Mayo Connect is also here 24/7 to lend an ear, and to offer suggestions that can help. I am not a professional, just another member, but I will offer suggestions based on my experience and so will our other members.

Can you reach out to either the cancer support team or social worker at the hospital to connect with help?
Sue

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