Trying very hard to cope with a lifetime of depression

Hello, I am deeply sorry for your pain and loneliness. It is a good thing you have work success to help you even though you feel isolated there. It must give you a sense of accomplishment. Depression is a difficult state to overcome. I am so glad you are reaching out here. Perhaps you can find a way to get some help from a therapist or a Buddhist organization in your area or better yet, both. I don’t believe you have brought this all on yourself. Sometimes life brings challenges caused by our decisions but as you stated awareness comes from experience and your childhood has affected your decisions. Now that you see more clearly you can move forward. Healing is a journey and you have already come a long way. I wish you peace and comfort in your life. Please seek out more support.

If you are doing Buddist style meditation (Soto style), that's very powerful. Stay with it. It's a journey and there is no destination (enlightenment). It just keeps unfolding itself with insights and AHA moments, of yours, which after many years forms a mosaic, pattern, or ha! Gestalt so life makes sense for you, even if it offends you.
Read or listen to Alan Watts, the two Suzukis, and maybe find a good sangha or sitting group that's comfortable for you, but not too comfortable.

@parrot53 thank you for your thoughtful reply. After I wrote this I tried to delete it but I couldn’t. I don’t ever want to sound like a “poor me” sort of person. I have survived so much already. Now I’m glad I couldn’t delete my post because there are ppl (you) out there that care. Thank you again.

@shmerdloff hi and thank you for your thoughtful reply. I started a Buddhist class over a year ago and it has changed my thinking in many ways. This group (sangha) helped me get thru 17 months of chronic pain. Last week I broke down crying and was met with love and understanding. I don’t do therapy any longer. But I am staying with my Buddhist class and teachings. Right now my meditations are mostly focused on self forgiveness. And I throw in a Tonglen meditation for my son periodically, I think I’m becoming a better person thru Buddhism but it does take time. Thank you again for taking time to write…much appreciated.

@eway60
In gassho🙏. Blessings on the 3 fold path. Keep at it and don't keep at it. The middle way. Nothing special. No holiness here☝️. No enlightenment 💥. Do you read or listen to Alan Watts? 🕉.😄

@eway60 it is my pleasure to meet you. I have always admired the Buddhist faith. The peace and gratitude for all things living with us on this planet make so much more sense to me and gives me hope and comfort in this crazy time. I hope with time and patience you will find a way to reconcile with your son. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

@parrot53
Orioki

@parrot53. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. Buddhism makes a lot of sense to me. My first experience with Buddhism was when I landed on a podcast called “Buddhism for Everyone.” I was hooked and began listening to the podcast every day on my way to work. Next I joined an online group (Sangha) offered by the teacher in the podcast. I’ve now been in the class for over a year. It is the one thing in my life that keeps me going and when I’m having a bad day my sangha listens without judgement. I’m not really a “joiner” but I’m dedicated to sticking with this class and learning more about accepting my faults and forgiveness. My goal is to learn how to be peaceful in the midst of grief and pain.

I've been feeling helpless. I have a dog who I'm really attached to ANF she became very ill. During her ongoing recovery, I found the time to go ask my Dr why I'm losing so much weight. So I had a bunch of scans which my (very lazy) dr said I had no cancer. I'm still dropping pounds while trying to eat a lot of calories every day. I'm afraid I'll die and my dog won't recover (blood disorder). Every day I think dying would be such a relief from the stress I face daily. I've had heart palpitations for4 moths. I get the results in 9 days. And am scheduled for a Holder Monitor in 12 days. I have to ask a friend to watch my dog and another friend to drive me 120 miles to the cardio. It's all so hard for my 76 year old body and mind. I have a daughter who was incarcerated for hitting me. She was using. She's been clean 2 years and wants to live with me. I don't know what to do about anything.

@dcypherzzz please talk to a therapist before you decide anything with your daughter. Good luck!!