Hello, I am deeply sorry for your pain and loneliness. It is a good thing you have work success to help you even though you feel isolated there. It must give you a sense of accomplishment. Depression is a difficult state to overcome. I am so glad you are reaching out here. Perhaps you can find a way to get some help from a therapist or a Buddhist organization in your area or better yet, both. I don’t believe you have brought this all on yourself. Sometimes life brings challenges caused by our decisions but as you stated awareness comes from experience and your childhood has affected your decisions. Now that you see more clearly you can move forward. Healing is a journey and you have already come a long way. I wish you peace and comfort in your life. Please seek out more support.