@shmerdloff
You make some very good points! If we go into adulthood with a weak sense of self, it is like walking through life carrying an empty paper bag. We are constantly looking for someone to fill it, and we often choose people to fill it. In order to free ourselves from the narcissistic person, we have to begin filling our own bags with healthy relationships and successes.

It can be difficult to do, that is why we need support and an understanding on how to fill those empty bags.

@shmerdloff

Narcissists and narcissistic abuse as a catch-all;

Yes, I agree, and thanks for responding, @shmerdloff; I could use some help; maybe someone here can! Let me explain. This will be a long list of their behaviors that many people complain about. Some will find it interesting if not familiar:

**The Narcissists I have known haven’t had much trouble getting their way in life and have been validated regularly in some way - maybe overvalued by many for their appearance, or for what they could command in life. When it came to me, I was only useful for a time and then discarded or even abused cruelly from the start. I had great connections early in life, but it all changed when I started my first years of primary employment. Unfortunately, I have had the most encounters with narcissists who have the advantage in a power dynamic and have exploited that, such as bosses, parents, and clergy. Most of these people have refused to stop their behaviors (such as violating my privacy, talking over me, refusing to let me speak, refusing to engage me/ignore me, threatening my livelihood, disparaging me, undermining my marriage, undermining my reputation, threatening to limit my social connections, poisoning the minds of prospective social connections, to list some); even, or maybe especially, when I was clearly in pain, stating they don’t know what I am talking about, and then complaining I am making people walk on eggshells. Maybe they routinely impose their presumed ‘superiority’ as though maybe everywhere is their domain. And they clearly don’t understand cause and effect. In most cases, I have noticed they frame it as if I don’t have self-esteem/confidence, but their hurtful behavior is deliberate, and they claim it isn’t the cause of the problem; they point to ‘my shortcomings’, which seem to anger or encourage them. They even complain that I am easily cowed (even though I am standing up to them), so I shouldn’t blame them at all for having to ‘tolerate’ me. Sound familiar? If you ask many of them, they are masters of the art of making the right choices in life, and I am a ‘failure’ (even though I have achieved plenty). The worst people were unaware of my positive qualities and were operating on a misconception.

I’ve worked with people like that, and I am related to a few of them by marriage, and it has taken a toll on my marriage, health, and now my ability to form social bonds. I need to build some social contacts independently out of necessity since it is just my husband and me, and we are older. And I don’t drive and have mobility issues. I wouldn’t be able to help myself out of my home in an emergency. I am afraid to try again after meeting many people all over town who appeared to know the narcissists, and I don’t know how to get around the pitfalls, especially since the narcissists related to my husband live in my building. Besides, the places I’ve tried to go to meet people are riddled with people like that, as I have found, even if they don’t know them. It is quite common! Also, I do not want to go somewhere ‘just to meet people’ because that is problematic. I have been to senior centers for art and writing classes where I have skills, and some people go out of their way; in these as well as themed discussion groups, it is often territorial, based on who did what for a living, who has what degree, or who has connections or income. I have never felt the need to impose a hierarchy; I have only competed with myself behaviorally. I had brilliant friends who were attractive and a lot of fun in high school, but we weren’t in a popular group, and there were no preestablished standards or expectations. We were all considerate of each other. By contrast, I have seen my husband’s family complain about how horribly the niece and her daughter are treated by her ex, yet they engage in the same behaviors because it is okay if they do it. LOL. For them, it is all about what is good for them, and theirs only, as you said.

Narcissists I know (for lack of a better term) rarely seek out fact-based ways to get to know me, and instead rely on appearances and misconceptions, as I said. Nothing deep, and maybe that is all they are capable of to maintain their superiority. When I point out their skin-deep judgments, they might still deal in non-sequiturs and claim I am negative for complaining about injustices, but fail to see their own cynicism toward others.

I want ideas on where to go to find better conditions, or the best possible outcome- no guarantees, of course 😉 Any feedback is welcome.