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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! š
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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My heart goes out to you, Iāve experience some of the same things with my husband. It becomes overwhelming. My prayers are with you.
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3 ReactionsI had a funny thought as I almost slipped and fell in the bathroom in the middle of the night on spilled urine.
As I was mopping the floor, I thought, yep, God is with me, but is she helping clean up?
This is not a religious question/discussion, just some sick humor.
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6 ReactionsMy heart goes out to everyone who is a caregivers itās a task that becomes overwhelming and feeling all alone knowing that if you donāt do it then what, I tell myself itās a job without pay, go in do then job and get it done, then feel GUILTY for telling myself this
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6 ReactionsIn 2012, my wife started having walking problems and they became progressively worse. After several rounds of tests, in January of 2013, we were given the diagnoses of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. The doctor told us the medium survival rate was about two years. While she was still mobile, I had a chance at assisting her, but as she progressed, thankfully my second daughter came to our rescue. She knew what to do and when she didn't, learned quickly. She and her husband ended up moving back to our home. We were able to build a small house next door.
In August of 2015, my wife died. My daughter realized I was a mess. She started helping me. I stopped driving and she either runs errands for me or drives me to places I want to go. My health--strength, fitness, and well being vacillate between good and bad times. Occasionally, I feel like an old Guinea pig for the Mayo Clinic. The doctors don't seem to listen very well or try to understand hat I am trying to tell them.
For instance, when I fall down, time seems to slow down for me and I see more details. But when I fall down, others see me falling much faster. So the doctors assume I had time to stop the fall, so why didn't I? How do you explain to them your viewpoint? (My favorite line from Star Wars movies "From a certain viewpoint, ...")
We were married for over 50 years and I miss her laugher, jokes and her dedication to life!
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6 ReactionsThis question is not sick humor. It is a real existential question and needs answers!
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4 ReactionsThis was a good idea for a topic. My wife and mother-in-law are very dependent on me. For my wife it's both physical and emotional dependence so she can't go without me for very long. As caregivers know, caregiving never ends-it's 24/7/365 so I know it might sound silly but sometimes just a quick 10 minute trip to go get gas and be alone with my own thoughts is all I need to catch my breath and recharge so I don't break from exhaustion. However, sometimes she'll say "I want go!" So, I either softly let her down and tell her I need to take this trip solo, in which case it will hurt her feelings (no matter how I say it) and now she feels bad because I've made her feel like a burden, OR, I don't have the heart to hurt her feelings so I say sure and let out a silent scream because I can't even get 5 minutes. Either way, no matter how it goes down, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for wanting 5 minutes.
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6 Reactionsknow the feeling, I cant even get 5 minutes on the toilet ( not kidding).
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6 ReactionsI did post on here another caregiver me something
@bbams Please donāt punish yourself. Iām suffering from chronic pain due to DDD, degenerative disc disease.m which was diagnosed over 25 years ago. For many years it was simply painful but not disabling. However for the last five years Iāve been bedridden for 16-20 hours per day due to pain. My dear wife of 41years is very supportive and makes all the difference in the world. Iām sure your husband enormously appreciates you and your efforts. Please turn to Jesus for additional support. Remember His words: āWith God all things are possibleā. They certainly are and He carries me through many days. Your husband is fortunate to have such a loving and caring wife. May God Bless you both and ease your pains and suffering.
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