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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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@jbug25
I am in a similar boat with my dad. (I am actually sitting in hospital cafeteria now!). One of his docs has offered to implement IV hydration twice a week. Might this be something your husband would consider? Blessings to you in this struggle!
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3 ReactionsYes, he gets iv fluids twice a month. That does help him.
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1 ReactionCaregiver guilt but relevant to having caregivers in my home through many home health agencies. Me and my husband tried at least 4 home health agencies and our experience was about 30 caregivers for about3 years and it was not what the tv commercials stated as all smiles and kindness. It was aweful for us. Some caregivers came in for tv and lunch. some came to talk on their phones, and one stole from us. It was a very anxious time for me. I was working part time and i will not let my husband and myself go through this again. I have had family members tell me that i need to calm down and quit being controlling and i should let these folks come in and do their jobs. Not anymore! I tried sooo many times to have these folks in my home and entrusted them to do the right thing in caring for my husband. Maybe 3 out of 30 caregivers did the right thing. Now we have no caregiving and i somehow am being blamed as controlling. I think not!!!.
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9 ReactionsI get what you are saying. Being a caregiver is alot of their time..not me time. Most of us are tired , frustrated and loving them all at the same time. Your words were very nice and refreshing!
Thank you
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5 ReactionsWhat I have not added is I got critically ill in 2014. My husband passed away in 2012. My post was about holding his hand through his last breath. I was very ill. Intubated medically induced coma. I was coded. Please everyone take care of you.
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8 ReactionsI know. I am so tired. Went for yearly blood work. Its all messed up. Have a blood marrow biopsy July 14th to see whats going on
I should mention my husband has stage 4 colon cancer. Had all the chemo’ lonsurf for 7 months till it quit working. Now on fruiquitinab
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5 ReactionsI get it. When you marry its for better, for worse, in sickness & in health. My husband & I moved my Mom in with us 9 months ago. She is 99 yrs old & has Alzhiemers. I have no time alone & I need that. My husband is supportive & helpful. I am looking into in home respite care, but it is difficult to make that decision. She will fight it.
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6 ReactionsSomehow your thread stopped showing up everyday.
Finally I found it. 😁 I didn’t see my previous notes?
Today has been a testing day. Yesterday my girlfriends and I decided to go out for coffee, I was getting ready to head out when I realized my husband was all ready to leave with me, I explained I would not be gone long and he seemed okay but I felt so bad and even worse when I went in the garage and he had his door open to the car and had put the water in the car. We were only gone
90 minutes and before I left I picked up lunch. It almost ruined my outing all I could think of was his face.
It is seldom that I go our for a long time in fact it was just a coincidence that my girlfriend offered to take me to my birthday lunch today which I canceled not a good idea to be gone 2 days in a row. I could pay for someone to be with him while I am gone but he really just wants to be with me. I take him everywhere with me. In fact I go to the gym twice a week for 20 minute classes I am gone maybe 40 minutes during that time he does the dishes garbage etc and I am back before he finishes. I then always go to the chiropractor after the gym so I stop by home and pick him up because he likes to go with me.
I am feeling sad that I didn’t get to go out for lunch today. 😩 guess we will just postpone it for another day.
My girlfriend is very sweet she always says he can come but he doesn’t like to eat out anymor . Enough whining thanks.
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9 ReactionsI feel for you I am so tired myself.
My husband has MCI he has never been diagnose but I don’t need someone to tell me that. He has had cancer three times, we just found out he has stage 4 recurrent prostrate cancer, he is in pills and the shots which should prevent any further spread. I have not told him I don’t see the point I just said it’s a preventative measure there’s no point in worrying him. I have had cancer 3 times also and we always supported each other I feel a great loss not being able to communicate this with him, I am feeling the load. He is 86 and I am 77. Take one day at a time that’s all we can do and try and enjoy the good times we have left.😍. I am so emotionally drained and tired, is it wrong to hope he passes first so I can have some life left to visit my family in the UK? I hate it when I think that because he is my life. 😩😩😩
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8 Reactions@mahaveck1 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! You certainly have a job in front of you! I hope/am sure this support group will have lots of tips and suggestions for you.
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3 Reactions