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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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Scroll to the end of the original post and you'll see page numbers. I click on the one that says "last" and it takes me to the latest posts.
Hope that helps
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1 ReactionSomething nice to report. My husband always tells me how happy he is. What more can I ask for?
Got it! Thanks.
I knew I should have had kids to get some grandkids that can help with this!!!
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Guilt, I’ve read several post, what I have to say may seem selfish or harsh, my husband had a massive stroke, it’s been 7 years he is totally dependent on me, I was diagnosed with cancer in 2024, and I get angry with him for not trying to do simple things, it’s like it’s about him and my problems oh well, it’s not easy but with Gods help I get through each day, guilt and all the other chaos
Oh but can he still do some things? Wow! he can do some things still. I am not being sarcastic but my husband can barely walk with parkinsons and mcd and i have to do everything for him. There is no question that currently he can basically feed himself and everything else is up to me. He gave up reading a few years ago and i thouht he was maybe lazy but i had his eyes checked and with readers he can somewhat read. Problem is the mild cognitive decline and maybe parkinsons. I figured he had glaucoma or macula so i took him for second opinion and nothing was mentioned by eye dr other than wearing readers. Still havent figured out why reading is so difficult for him. Be greatful if he can still do somethings. I have to bathe, toilet, walk,and hand my husband everything because when you cant walk or stand it affects everything from dressing to helping shave, brush teeth and even help him use remote to tv. Sorry to complain but i am living the life of two adults now. He has indwelling catheter and i am having to carry the urinary bag around because he forgets it or doesnt remember how to hang it on his belt loop when walking. My shoulders ache all the time and i am mentally and physically exhausted. It is a hard journey and i love my husband. Never dreamed me and my husband would be going through this. His mild cognitive decline sootheds his anxiety and he cant relaye to my high stress. He is calm as cucumber and i feel all the frustration of this NEW NORM.
As caregivers we can get easily overwhelmed.