So tired of being stuck...

Posted by lindak1tx @lindak1tx, Jan 16, 2020

Hello. I’m new. I’ve managed my depression, for the most part, most of my life. Mainly by doing. But now, at 62, I’m deemed anti-depressant resistant, and so so stuck. I can’t figure out what to do with myself. I go round and round, considering options, but find myself unable to take the steps necessary. Even easy things, like going to the movies, is too hard. (…nothing I want to see; I don’t want to go by myself; I feel I’m imposing to ask someone, yadda yadda …). I am just wasting my years. And that’s so tragic. Some days are just so so painful. I sleep a lot on many days. Other days I try to ‘kill time’ by reading or watching tv, or long crossword puzzles. My outings are to the grocery store and pharmacy. I have a psychiatrist that bounces me from medication to medication, most of which don’t work. I am on Pristiq now which keeps my head above water, on good days. I want to become someone my two sons and my husband can be proud of. And I’m descending into nothing but a picture of a weak and crippled being. I hate it. But I can’t find help. I’ve been to psych therapist…but my current insurance has terrible ones and I keep explaining I need a real psychologist with experience and solutions. It feels like there is nowhere to go for help. Is there no cure for this terrible condition??!!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety group.

@lindak1tx

Jon, your 2 cents is a fortune, for someone who is completely broke (pun intended)! I’m encouraged with lots of possibilities now to investigate with my psychiatrist.

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That is great! One other thing, over the years I’ve heard people say, “I can’t wait until I don’t have to take these anymore.” After having dealt with anxiety and panic for the first 45 years of my life, I will never get off Paxil! Things are so nice now, I’m waiting for it to come back but it hasn’t. I do have a good memory and I remember what life was like before, why would I ever want to quit and invite that back into my life.
Also you mentioned what insurance would pay for. If you aren’t satisfied with what they pay for, find one you like and pay out of pocket. IT IS WORTH EVERY PENNY!!!
Here is one instance where money can buy happiness!
God Bless!!!

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The only thing that helped me was ECT . Electric Convulsion Therapy. It sounds worse than it is . Today it is even done in outpatient services. I had 13 rounds and no memory loss. It works and it last .

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@lindakt1tx As you read here there are so many different ways people have found to feel better from there problem of depression. I hope you try different ones or one you may think of to see if this is the one that will help you. Even though Im a retired nurse I dont use alot of meds as I rely on the functional medicine approach . Do what you like to do that makes you happy in your life. This will be your go to when you need it . God bless you

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@daphnesioux

The only thing that helped me was ECT . Electric Convulsion Therapy. It sounds worse than it is . Today it is even done in outpatient services. I had 13 rounds and no memory loss. It works and it last .

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Daphne, I have seriously considered doing ECT. I did the electro/magnetic thingy (I forget the initials). Nope. Nada. I do appreciate your input. It reassures me that it’s not as scary as I imagine. You are so helpful by sharing this with me. I may select this down the road.

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@lioness

@lindakt1tx As you read here there are so many different ways people have found to feel better from there problem of depression. I hope you try different ones or one you may think of to see if this is the one that will help you. Even though Im a retired nurse I dont use alot of meds as I rely on the functional medicine approach . Do what you like to do that makes you happy in your life. This will be your go to when you need it . God bless you

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Ah! This is the quagmire of depression. I don’t anticipate. —pause—. liking —doing much of anything. Do you know what I find to be blissful?! Laying down on my bed. In complete repose. And drifting off to sleep. I do understand what you mean though. There are a lot of societal norms we do that we hate, without giving ourselves permission to stop doing them. I’m at the point now, where I need to replace them with something. And I can’t figure out with what! So much is the result of being the offspring of narcissistic parents. That I failed to develop an understanding of what “I want” is because it was shut down, early, in order to nurture what Others want. So the hurdle I am facing is a truly a difficult one. But I am so grateful to find support from you and others here. At MayoClinic Connect. It IS giving me strength. I can feel it!

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@lindak1tx I like to be alone and have just explored what I like to do . Dodling ,painting,drawing,composing songs ,my own , just writing a letter to someone and sending or throwing away, reading the Bible and trying to figure how that relate to me at this point in my life I am social also though started a chair exercise program for us seniors adult coloring books this isnt children,s books . These are only a few ideas might appeal to you . Try to give something a try Going to bed is o.k. you can do alot of planning there or just daydreaming and otherstuff/////????lol

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@lindak1tx

Ah! This is the quagmire of depression. I don’t anticipate. —pause—. liking —doing much of anything. Do you know what I find to be blissful?! Laying down on my bed. In complete repose. And drifting off to sleep. I do understand what you mean though. There are a lot of societal norms we do that we hate, without giving ourselves permission to stop doing them. I’m at the point now, where I need to replace them with something. And I can’t figure out with what! So much is the result of being the offspring of narcissistic parents. That I failed to develop an understanding of what “I want” is because it was shut down, early, in order to nurture what Others want. So the hurdle I am facing is a truly a difficult one. But I am so grateful to find support from you and others here. At MayoClinic Connect. It IS giving me strength. I can feel it!

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@lindak1tx Linda, in your relaxation and repose, gently ask yourself what would you like to do. Be aware of the thoughts that come into your mind and roll them around there. Examine them from all sides and then listen for which ones just feel right to you. You can start with a little steps from there. I am so happy to hear that you are feeling positive results and Mayo Connect is helping you get through all of this. We are all here for each other!
Ginger

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@lindak1tx

I visited my pcp in 2003 to discuss reasons for how I was feeling. I told him that my symptoms could indicate depression, but I wanted him to test me for any organic illnesses that might explain my malaise. We did diagnose and treat several things along the way, but he prescribed an antidepressant at my initial appointment. I don't think it helped much, because the depression worsened over the next two years, to the point that I made several suicide attempts, and went back to my doctor to tell him what was happening. He was required by law to admit me to the hospital, but he let me self-admit to a new facility, where I spent the next six weeks. A requirement of discharge was to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and begin therapy. By that time I had given a bunch of antidepressants the six week trial and finally had found that Bupropion (Wellbutrin) actually helped a bit.

Kind of a long way around to get to my point. Wellbutrin has been my antidepressant of choice since the end of 2005. Recovery was a very long process for me. I continued to be suicidal for more than a year and very depressed for another 3 years. It wasn't until around 2010 that I could say that suicide was no longer a compulsion, but just lingering in my consciousness. I'd say that it was several more years before I could say that, while I was still clinically depressed, I was able to function at a reasonable level. I think that depression is something that I'll need to work on, with medication and therapy, the rest of my life.

Two years ago I was heading back to the depression hole, talked with the psychiatrist and added Remeron (Mirtazapine) to enhance the Wellbutrin.

Because of the depression and anxiety and PTSD and suicidal ideation, I applied for and was granted Social Security Disability when I was 55, and I retired. I was non-functional in my job, and my problems couldn't be dealt with if I continued to work in a very stressful job. That kicked in Medicare coverage, which is both good and bad. Good that my healthcare was now covered, bad because in the town where I retired has no therapists who accept Medicare except for the ones who work through the hospital behavioral health department. Only one of the therapists I've had through the hospital was a psychologist. The rest of them have been licensed clinical social workers (lcsw). I have to say that they have, for the most part, been very good, and I can probably say that I'm alive today, thanks to their work. I only see a psychiatrist when I think I need to adjust my medication. He's not a counselor.

Major depression, also called chronic or clinical depression, often works in tandem with other health issues, in my case chronic pain in my feet from peripheral neuropathy. The pain tends to increase the depression, and depression tends to increase the pain. I think the term that's used is comorbidity.

I almost went with ECT, but it would have meant driving 3 hours each way for treatment. The hospital was helping me find an affordable place to stay during the week, but I just became so totally overwhelmed by the process that I gave up on it. My wife really didn't want me to do the ECT, either, which didn't help matters. I know that it's been a great help for many people.

I usually go through the posts here at Mayo Connect in the evening, and often go past my bedtime. Indeed, I've done it again tonight. So, I must say goodnight before it's tomorrow. I'm glad that you are finding the people here on Connect helpful. I surely have.

Jim

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@jimhd Thank you Jim. I have always admired your honesty. Your words have encouraged me this morning and I wanted you to know this. Hope you were able to rest well. The connect community is a healthy community and safe place for me. My rarity here is a result of my needing to do more self care. Doesn't take much to tire me which is frustrating. Is it depression? Could be even though I am not at the bottom of the vortex. Chronic pain can be a demon too. The crucial thing is we keep trying knowing if we do not those self destructive ruminations will win. Thank you again Jim.

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@jimhd

@lindak1tx

I visited my pcp in 2003 to discuss reasons for how I was feeling. I told him that my symptoms could indicate depression, but I wanted him to test me for any organic illnesses that might explain my malaise. We did diagnose and treat several things along the way, but he prescribed an antidepressant at my initial appointment. I don't think it helped much, because the depression worsened over the next two years, to the point that I made several suicide attempts, and went back to my doctor to tell him what was happening. He was required by law to admit me to the hospital, but he let me self-admit to a new facility, where I spent the next six weeks. A requirement of discharge was to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and begin therapy. By that time I had given a bunch of antidepressants the six week trial and finally had found that Bupropion (Wellbutrin) actually helped a bit.

Kind of a long way around to get to my point. Wellbutrin has been my antidepressant of choice since the end of 2005. Recovery was a very long process for me. I continued to be suicidal for more than a year and very depressed for another 3 years. It wasn't until around 2010 that I could say that suicide was no longer a compulsion, but just lingering in my consciousness. I'd say that it was several more years before I could say that, while I was still clinically depressed, I was able to function at a reasonable level. I think that depression is something that I'll need to work on, with medication and therapy, the rest of my life.

Two years ago I was heading back to the depression hole, talked with the psychiatrist and added Remeron (Mirtazapine) to enhance the Wellbutrin.

Because of the depression and anxiety and PTSD and suicidal ideation, I applied for and was granted Social Security Disability when I was 55, and I retired. I was non-functional in my job, and my problems couldn't be dealt with if I continued to work in a very stressful job. That kicked in Medicare coverage, which is both good and bad. Good that my healthcare was now covered, bad because in the town where I retired has no therapists who accept Medicare except for the ones who work through the hospital behavioral health department. Only one of the therapists I've had through the hospital was a psychologist. The rest of them have been licensed clinical social workers (lcsw). I have to say that they have, for the most part, been very good, and I can probably say that I'm alive today, thanks to their work. I only see a psychiatrist when I think I need to adjust my medication. He's not a counselor.

Major depression, also called chronic or clinical depression, often works in tandem with other health issues, in my case chronic pain in my feet from peripheral neuropathy. The pain tends to increase the depression, and depression tends to increase the pain. I think the term that's used is comorbidity.

I almost went with ECT, but it would have meant driving 3 hours each way for treatment. The hospital was helping me find an affordable place to stay during the week, but I just became so totally overwhelmed by the process that I gave up on it. My wife really didn't want me to do the ECT, either, which didn't help matters. I know that it's been a great help for many people.

I usually go through the posts here at Mayo Connect in the evening, and often go past my bedtime. Indeed, I've done it again tonight. So, I must say goodnight before it's tomorrow. I'm glad that you are finding the people here on Connect helpful. I surely have.

Jim

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@jimhd thank you for sharing your struggles with me. I am touched and heartfully sympathetic. We are not alone are we. I am Type 1 diabetic, and I’ve read that it is very common to have both conditions.
I don’t know what it all means, but to take each day as it comes and to not give up. One small step at a time, as others here have mentioned.

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