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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ Left my safe “nest," regretting move ~

Posted by @amberpep, Dec 12, 2017

Hi all ….. well, ever since I gave in to my kids’ hounding and moved down to this wretched place, and left my safe “nest” in MD, it just seems as though everything continues to go wrong, fall apart, etc. I should have never moved, and I’m so sorry I did. Everything safe was in MD, and now that’s all gone …..I can’t move back because I’ve sold my condo, and I can’t afford the move back as I’m still paying for the move down here to VA.
I have been going up to MD every other Tuesday to see my Psychologist and then my Psychiatrist who prescribes the meds. Well, I wrote to my therapist this week telling him I couldn’t make it up this week as I’d had that accident with my car, and was there a time when we could at least talk. The note I got back said that no, he was packed until Christmas, which I believe because Christmas is hard for a lot of people – including me. He then went on to say that he thinks it would be better if I found someone down here for counseling rather than coming up there (3 hrs.) to meet with him. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. It was the same old thing, same old message I always got from my parents, and my X-husband – “go away, I don’t have time for you, you’re too much trouble, just find another place to go.” Boy those voices started screaming in my head.. I want to believe he did this wellmeaningly, but I know he is very busy, and this was probably another way to get rid of one of those leaches. Also, if I don’t see a therapist (Psychologist), I won’t be able to see my Psychiatrist for meds. as you have to be under a doctor’s care to see a Psychiatrist. I’ve been with this doctor for 12 years and we’ve come a long way …. I won’t detail it …. some of you know it. Well, I’m not about to start again with someone down here …. there’s just no way. I don’t like living here, and I’m not about to try to fill his shoes with someone else. I have always had a hard time trusting men …. we would joke that I had this “special little group” of safe men …. my son, my sil, and my therapist. I always considered men to be sex-driven animals.
So, I guess I’ll soon be on my own ….. go back to the way life always was ….. put one foot in front of the other until it’s all over. I’m 73 so that’s not too far away.
abby

REPLY

@amberpep I’m very sorry to hear you are going through such hard time. Be sure everybody here see you as very valuable person, as somebody already mentioned in another topic. When I read your older posts, I can see you are very caring person. You have a great gift to help and encourage other members here.
Yes, doctors see their patients as their work, many times it can look insensitive. Try to explain him your position, why you want to continue visiting him, even to travel 3 hours. You never know, maybe it will bring good result.
You are definitely not “too much trouble.” When it comes to me, I am very happy I met you here. Your comments are very appreciated.

@amberpep — so sorry to hear that you can’t make it to your therapist this week due to your car (also sorry to hear about that) and that he didn’t have another time for you to talk. Sounds like his suggestion you find a closer therapist really hurt. It also sounds like you’ve taken a lot of time to develop a relationship of trust with him, and thus it’s very understandable you want to stay with him and not start all over.

Since he’s unavailable, what are you thinking will help you get through the holidays?

@lisalucier

@amberpep — so sorry to hear that you can’t make it to your therapist this week due to your car (also sorry to hear about that) and that he didn’t have another time for you to talk. Sounds like his suggestion you find a closer therapist really hurt. It also sounds like you’ve taken a lot of time to develop a relationship of trust with him, and thus it’s very understandable you want to stay with him and not start all over.

Since he’s unavailable, what are you thinking will help you get through the holidays?

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Hi Lisa … thanks so much for responding. How to get through the holidays …. good question. When I lived in MD, I just ignored it and pretended it was just any other day, but now that I’m in VA I will be going to my daughter’s who has the 2 kids – ages 8 and 11 – and it will be festive, joyous, fun, full of good food, and close relationships ….. I’ll just do as I always have done …. rather dissociate from it all, be in my own little world somewhere else, appearing to be part of everything but not really. Our whole family will be there – small though it is – and that includes my X-husband. That doesn’t make it any easier as the question still haunts me as to “why wasen’t I good enough? why did you “throw me away”? why wouldn’t you pick up your piece of our marriage and work on it?. That all leads to “what is wrong with me?” But, with him being a full blown narcissist, I know the answers to all those questions …. somehow those voices keep showing up on holidays.
abby

Hi, @amberpep–you are welcome, Abby.

I thought some of the folks who’ve had some thoughts for you before might have insights on dealing with your holiday situation, like @hopeful33250, @jimhd, @parus, and @IndianaScott, Other members who’ve talked about dealing with narcissists may also have some thoughts, like @kamuela, @skunklady13, @wife1 and @anon11843683.

Do you feel like there is any way for you to be “present” at the holiday celebration with your daughter and the two children? Is there an option, if it’s too hurtful to be with your ex-husband at the holiday, to celebrate with the others at another time of day or another date?

@lisalucier

Hi, @amberpep–you are welcome, Abby.

I thought some of the folks who’ve had some thoughts for you before might have insights on dealing with your holiday situation, like @hopeful33250, @jimhd, @parus, and @IndianaScott, Other members who’ve talked about dealing with narcissists may also have some thoughts, like @kamuela, @skunklady13, @wife1 and @anon11843683.

Do you feel like there is any way for you to be “present” at the holiday celebration with your daughter and the two children? Is there an option, if it’s too hurtful to be with your ex-husband at the holiday, to celebrate with the others at another time of day or another date?

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Hi Lisa …. oh, I’ll get through it the same way I always have, except now I recognize the dissociation that I never realized before. I just “pretend” to be “fine” …. having fun, laughing, etc. After about 3 hours of this though, I go home totally exhausted …. it really wears me out to be so fake. And, oh, that Christmas music ….. I know lots of normal people love it, but to me it just brings sadness and more sadness. I can still see my mother – I was about 10 – throwing a plate with 2 waffles on it with syrup, at my Dad Christmas morning. The plate fell and broke, one of the waffles fell also, and the syrup-y one stuck to the wall and slowly slid down. That picture is indelibly carved into my brain. I’ll get through it at my daughters ….. I have to.
abby

@lisalucier

Hi, @amberpep–you are welcome, Abby.

I thought some of the folks who’ve had some thoughts for you before might have insights on dealing with your holiday situation, like @hopeful33250, @jimhd, @parus, and @IndianaScott, Other members who’ve talked about dealing with narcissists may also have some thoughts, like @kamuela, @skunklady13, @wife1 and @anon11843683.

Do you feel like there is any way for you to be “present” at the holiday celebration with your daughter and the two children? Is there an option, if it’s too hurtful to be with your ex-husband at the holiday, to celebrate with the others at another time of day or another date?

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@amberpep Hi Abby,

I could wish for you to find a better way to get through the holiday. You are right about pretending – it does take a lot of energy and is very exhausting. Is it possible for you to stay for a shorter time period or are you obligated to stay for the whole day because of transportation needs?

Also, is it possible to decide, up front, that what happened when you were a child will not be happening again? It may take some mental effort to put those thoughts aside – but might it be worth a try?

Let us know if any of these ideas seem like they might work.

Teresa

@lisalucier

Hi, @amberpep–you are welcome, Abby.

I thought some of the folks who’ve had some thoughts for you before might have insights on dealing with your holiday situation, like @hopeful33250, @jimhd, @parus, and @IndianaScott, Other members who’ve talked about dealing with narcissists may also have some thoughts, like @kamuela, @skunklady13, @wife1 and @anon11843683.

Do you feel like there is any way for you to be “present” at the holiday celebration with your daughter and the two children? Is there an option, if it’s too hurtful to be with your ex-husband at the holiday, to celebrate with the others at another time of day or another date?

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Hi Teresa …. I do plan to leave waaaaay ahead of the others. I’m living in a new area and being totally directionally compromised (that’s putting it mildly) I always leave so I will be home before dark. That’s how I had the accident last week ….. it was dark (I left too late), raining, I got off at the wrong exit on the by-pass and that’s all it took for me to be lost. And I turned around on what I thought was a gravel area, but the other half was grass ….. so my car just slid right into it! No, I’ll be leaving very early this time.
abby

Hi Abby, @amberpep

That sounds like a good plan. I understand what you mean about being directionally compromised. I call myself “directionally impaired and map skill deficient.” It covers the whole thing – I even leave extra time for getting lost when I’m going somewhere I’ve never been before – it really is frustrating at times, isn’t it?

Teresa

@hopeful33250

Hi Abby, @amberpep

That sounds like a good plan. I understand what you mean about being directionally compromised. I call myself “directionally impaired and map skill deficient.” It covers the whole thing – I even leave extra time for getting lost when I’m going somewhere I’ve never been before – it really is frustrating at times, isn’t it?

Teresa

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OK, friends …. here goes. My upset with my therapist has turned into anger. WHY in the name of everything good, did he pick Christmas time to write this to me????? He KNOWS FULL WELL that Christmas is one of my hardest times of the year! Maybe my not being able to come up because of the accident ticked him off ….. he’s human too. Well, I am pissed. (excuse please), and I am asking WHY NOW? I hope he thinks about this sometime in his spare moments and goes, “oops, probably not such a good time for that.” You’re damn right it wasn’t. I know when I finally do see him, we are going to “discuss” this in a very direct, but courteous manner. He’s the one that said “we need to dismantle “good Suzy” and let her “evil twin” come out now and then. He may be sorry he ever did that. No, I won’t be nasty, but I definitely WILL be direct and he WILL know how it made me feel. After that? Who knows.
(sorry for the swearing friends)
abby

@hopeful33250

Hi Abby, @amberpep

That sounds like a good plan. I understand what you mean about being directionally compromised. I call myself “directionally impaired and map skill deficient.” It covers the whole thing – I even leave extra time for getting lost when I’m going somewhere I’ve never been before – it really is frustrating at times, isn’t it?

Teresa

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Hi Teresa ….. it’s good to hear from another directionally impaired person …. maybe we should start a group! One strange thing though ….. when I was still married and my then-husband was driving, I absolutely LOVED looking at the map! Nothing particular …. just looking …. sounds nuts, I know, but ….. what can I say?
abby

@amberpep

What a difficult turn of events, Abby. I know that it would be terrible to be cut off so abruptly, after so long with the therapist. I can understand why he would suggest you find someone where you now live. Three hours is a long drive, especially in the winter. That still doesn’t make it easy to consider making that change. I’ve had to start all over again with a parade of therapists over the past 12 years, and it has never been easy for me. I live in a small town, with a mental health clinic where I could receive therapy for little or nothing. The trouble with that is that people would come to the clinic to do the required year of internship, then leave to go where they would make a lot more money. Then the hospital hired a behavior therapist who saw clients two or three days a week, and they accepted Medicare. But, the same thing happened there with the first two therapists. Then the hospital took 18 months to hire a new one. I started with him this April, and I think he wants to stay here. Wonderful!

Starting over is horribly difficult. I won’t deny that. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I need to say that the time could come when you become desperate for help. I hope that you will be aware that the time is approaching and will be able to find someone who will be competent to treat you. There could be a perfect match within walking distance from your new home. Who knows.

It’s bedtime for me, so I can’t write more. But I’m thinking of you.

Jim

@jimhd

@amberpep

What a difficult turn of events, Abby. I know that it would be terrible to be cut off so abruptly, after so long with the therapist. I can understand why he would suggest you find someone where you now live. Three hours is a long drive, especially in the winter. That still doesn’t make it easy to consider making that change. I’ve had to start all over again with a parade of therapists over the past 12 years, and it has never been easy for me. I live in a small town, with a mental health clinic where I could receive therapy for little or nothing. The trouble with that is that people would come to the clinic to do the required year of internship, then leave to go where they would make a lot more money. Then the hospital hired a behavior therapist who saw clients two or three days a week, and they accepted Medicare. But, the same thing happened there with the first two therapists. Then the hospital took 18 months to hire a new one. I started with him this April, and I think he wants to stay here. Wonderful!

Starting over is horribly difficult. I won’t deny that. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I need to say that the time could come when you become desperate for help. I hope that you will be aware that the time is approaching and will be able to find someone who will be competent to treat you. There could be a perfect match within walking distance from your new home. Who knows.

It’s bedtime for me, so I can’t write more. But I’m thinking of you.

Jim

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Thank you Lisa …. I appreciate your words of understanding …. you’ve been there.
Well, as I wrote in my last post, my upset has turned into anger, and now this morning it’s more moderated. If he wants me out, so be it, but I won’t start over. Good grief …. I’d be in there for 3 days! Not sure about the meds. yet or where I’ll get them, but I need to see a therapist in order for the Psychiatrist to prescribe Rx’s;
Thanks friend …..
abby

@jimhd

@amberpep

What a difficult turn of events, Abby. I know that it would be terrible to be cut off so abruptly, after so long with the therapist. I can understand why he would suggest you find someone where you now live. Three hours is a long drive, especially in the winter. That still doesn’t make it easy to consider making that change. I’ve had to start all over again with a parade of therapists over the past 12 years, and it has never been easy for me. I live in a small town, with a mental health clinic where I could receive therapy for little or nothing. The trouble with that is that people would come to the clinic to do the required year of internship, then leave to go where they would make a lot more money. Then the hospital hired a behavior therapist who saw clients two or three days a week, and they accepted Medicare. But, the same thing happened there with the first two therapists. Then the hospital took 18 months to hire a new one. I started with him this April, and I think he wants to stay here. Wonderful!

Starting over is horribly difficult. I won’t deny that. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I need to say that the time could come when you become desperate for help. I hope that you will be aware that the time is approaching and will be able to find someone who will be competent to treat you. There could be a perfect match within walking distance from your new home. Who knows.

It’s bedtime for me, so I can’t write more. But I’m thinking of you.

Jim

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Hi again Jim …. it’s funny, but I forgot a few things to you ….. to swamp him totally, I could give a new doctor all my journals from the passed 12 years …. I believe there’s 20 of them …. that should occupy him/her for awhile.
And, as morbid as this sounds …. at 73, well …… I could “take care of business” myself.
abby

@jimhd

@amberpep

What a difficult turn of events, Abby. I know that it would be terrible to be cut off so abruptly, after so long with the therapist. I can understand why he would suggest you find someone where you now live. Three hours is a long drive, especially in the winter. That still doesn’t make it easy to consider making that change. I’ve had to start all over again with a parade of therapists over the past 12 years, and it has never been easy for me. I live in a small town, with a mental health clinic where I could receive therapy for little or nothing. The trouble with that is that people would come to the clinic to do the required year of internship, then leave to go where they would make a lot more money. Then the hospital hired a behavior therapist who saw clients two or three days a week, and they accepted Medicare. But, the same thing happened there with the first two therapists. Then the hospital took 18 months to hire a new one. I started with him this April, and I think he wants to stay here. Wonderful!

Starting over is horribly difficult. I won’t deny that. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I need to say that the time could come when you become desperate for help. I hope that you will be aware that the time is approaching and will be able to find someone who will be competent to treat you. There could be a perfect match within walking distance from your new home. Who knows.

It’s bedtime for me, so I can’t write more. But I’m thinking of you.

Jim

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Who knows how many pages are in my records!

I understand too well your last sentence. I don’t like feeling that way, but that’s just how it is some days. We just keep taking life minute by minute.

Jim

@jimhd We surely do. Depression can be a thief. So dislike the place I have been so many times before. Leaves me with a feeling of weakness as I cannot overcome this darkness. I present with a smile on my face. I do not want others to see the desperation within. No reason to be in a funk. Going through the motions like so many of us do. An emptiness within that leaves me feeling I have failed when I really have not-or, have I.

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