Possible Depression & ADHD - Need Advice & Support.

Posted by greymelody @greymelody, May 15, 2019

Hey, call me Melody or Mel for short.

Guess I’ll get straight to the point– 13 year old female (turning 14 soon) who has undiagnosed ADHD and shows possible depression symptoms.

Parents both are diagnosed with ADHD, have shown ADHD symptoms before the age of 12, and still struggle with symptoms as of now. If I had to guess, I’d say I have the Combination Presentation (Inattention & Hyperactivity/Impulsive). I show symptoms of both inattention and hyperactivity — the former being unable to properly focus often, getting distracted easily (even when it’s something I have to get done), and daydreaming far more than should be appropriate (waste hours of my life doing this, even when there’s more important things to be done). Pace often (coupled with daydreaming), can’t sit still, mind is always racing, and tend to blurt whatever’s on my mind, along with a lot of extreme gestures while talking.

With that ADHD note, I am uncertain where my constant daydreaming is a symptom of my ADHD, perhaps a larger issue, or both. As I mentioned before, I waste hours of my life daydreaming, even if there’s things I need to get done. I blast music in my earbuds and pace. I’m told I make facial expressions and sounds while daydreaming, which isn’t something that people with ADHD seem to complain about – although it seems like something I would be more likely to struggle with, due to my ADHD. I’ve heard of the term “Maladaptive Daydreaming,” but I don’t daydream of worlds or make up entire storylines or plot. I don’t make my own fictional characters in my head, nor do I imagine an idealized version of myself. I would say I daydream of fictional characters I’ve read or watched through media going through emotional conflicts — it is not a storyline or a full plot; it is a section of a plot, the climax, with no other added details.

I would like to know what other people think of this issue, and if there’s anything that can be done to improve it. I think I may have developed it as an unhealthy coping mechanism, but I’m unsure how to go about improving it. I have nothing against daydreaming in itself; it’s a wonderful thing. But now it is interfering with my schoolwork and daily life, as I find myself procrastinating both relationships and work in order to daydream.

Finally, the main crux of what I want to talk about: My depression symptoms.

I’m not comfortable with self-diagnosing depression. It is a very real, serious condition that hurts people — even people that I currently know and love — and I would hate to invalidate the struggles of people who go through it if I don’t actually suffer from it. It’s why I am so hesitant in even professing the idea that I could have depression, perhaps a mild form of it, because I’m scared of invalidating other people’s experiences.

The fact of it is that I’ve been showing depression symptoms for a while now, and I’m not sure how to feel about it. I’ve gone through a lot as of late, so I would be valid in being stressed or sad about recent events. To tl;dr of it: Briefly moved to another country, withdrew from an online community of friends after an argument with one of the main friends in said community (didn’t feel comfortable there anymore), learned about my ADHD when my parents told me that I most likely had it but never knew before that time, got into a relationship that inevitably failed once said guy got into another relationship and told me after the fact (he was polyamorous and we never had the conversation about it until then), and am currently in a very unstable living situation, as I am unsure of where my parents and I are going to travel next or where we’ll be staying long-term.

With all that, it would be natural for me to be upset or stressed or sad. I’m aware of that. And yet, when I think about what’s causing me distress, it’s not those things — It’s me. I’m upset, not because of what I’m going through (although I am not fine with these events, they aren’t the main struggle), but because of who I am as a person. I feel like a failure, useless, a burden, and that all I can do is take from other people, no matter how hard I try to do good. … That last one probably stems from my falling out with the friend I mentioned earlier. They told me I was untrustworthy, unintentionally two-faced, and a person who takes from others in her pursuit to try to help everyone. I feel like their words have become a part of my mental dialogue, now.

I don’t know. I think I’ve been oversleeping, eating more than usual, and I feel tired, all the time. But not a physical tiredness; a mental tiredness that doesn’t go away, no matter what. It’s a heavy nothing that follows me everywhere, and there’s moments where I’ll feel better — distracting myself with friends or my daydreaming habit — but the second those things stop, it washes over me all over again. I don’t know what to do about it.

I feel worthless, like a waste of space. I’m guilty a lot, even for things I’ve got no reason to be. I’ve gotten passive suicidal ideation, different from active.

And I don’t know, because I’m terrible at self-awareness. I don’t know, because with all my distractions, it’s possible that this has worsened over time, with the more I ignored it and the more I used my daydreaming as a coping mechanism to feel better, instead of actually addressing what was going on. And now… Now, I’m overdue on schoolwork, on the brink of tears because I feel so pathetic, and I just. Need advice, help, something.

My friends who I have talked to about this comment that it seems like a very mild form of depression, considering that I’m still able to function, but still showcase these depression symptoms. Heck, despite being told by two of my friends who suffer from depression themselves that it’s okay for me to call it such or that they even think it’s possible I have it and that that it doesn’t invalidate their experiences at all, I’m scared.

I got a therapist appointment in June, I think, but my parents seem to be of the impression that’s it’s for an ADHD diagnosis only. It’s only an hour long, and I don’t think I’ll have future, consistent ones besides that one, considering how shaky my living situation is right now. Should I talk to them about me showcasing depression symptoms, as well? I don’t know if we’ll have time to really go over it, or if I’ll be able to find help right away, though.

I would say the depression symptoms began a year ago, got better with the relationship I had, and then fell right back into that hole of darkness again. And then I had a period where I felt better, and then crashed for no particular reason, and am now right back here again.

What should I do? What should I think? What do you guys think? I need some outside advice here.
I would really appreciate any input, so thanks in advance for anyone who bothers to reply to this mess, haaaa.
If more context or information is needed, just let me know.

(Also, I’m new here, so if this is posted in the wrong area, let me know, and I’ll move it.)

@greymelody you are so brave and mature for getting help at such a young age, great job!

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