Possible Depression & ADHD - Need Advice & Support.

@greymelody Welcome to Mayo Connect, Melody. We're glad you found us!
You certainly have a lot going on in your life right now. You are very well spoken and for that I commend you. Being able to express yourself in words is a very important step in health; that's my belief. First off, I would say the fact that you are a young person plays into a lot of this. Remember that your body, your hormones, and your mind are all still in developing stages and changing rapidly. It's easy to talk to friends or read things online and make assumptions. It seems that a proper full workup and diagnosis will go a long ways towards easing your mind and also giving both you and the professional medical community a path to follow to get yourself to a healthier position. As we all know, ADHD and depression can manifest themselves in different ways in different people. And not everyday is the same! I'm glad that you came to Mayo Connect and expressed your concerns. It's important that you do that. I would suggest that with your upcoming appointment in June that a printout of what you wrote here plus any other insights that you have may help tremendously in the conversation with that professional. Not knowing your housing or living situation can be very upsetting to a lot of people. Couple that with your ever-changing hormones and mental condition and the combination can lead to a lot of disturbing ideas. Please know we are here for you. Also, regarding your suicidal thoughts, if you are in the USA, please call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org. If you are outside the USA, go to https://www.iasp.info which is an international site to find a crisis center near you. We care. I look forward to hearing from you again, and seeing other contributions from our members.
Ginger

@gingerw

Aah, thank you so much for responding!

To respond to your first statement, I do agree that my age could definitely play a part in this. It's not something I'm wholly certain of, though -- it's more like, at what point do we that there may be something more going on besides just growing up? I don't deny that my age could play a part, because it certainly could be! I'm growing up, gaining more knowledge about the world, having a lot of revelations, and building my own world view & beliefs, so it's naturally going to be a tough time, as it's the part of my life where I'm still developing my own identity, if that makes sense. Still, I can't really believe that what's going on with me is natural, because while we all go through the process of figuring ourselves out, this has... more to it. It's less about the eating/sleeping schedule being messed up (because I can contribute that to moving and the different timezone), but it's moreso the irrational guilt and low self-esteem that troubles me. For example, I nearly broke down in tears when my friend sent me a message telling me how much they cared about me and how amazing they thought I was, because I didn't feel like I deserved their words. Sure, it might not be depression -- but it's definitely something, although I'm not really 100% sure what to think about it.

Second off, I do definitely plan to talk to my therapist about all this. I think I might make a list of all my concerns and bring them up to her, once the appointment rolls around. Does anyone know the legal/ethical guidelines for therapists regarding minors, though? I know that therapists only are obligated to disclose personal information if they think you're at suicide risk, homicidal risk, or if they suspect any type of abuse going on. Still, since I'm a minor, would my therapist be obligated to disclose other things (for example, my irrational guilt) to my parents? I'm not sure how the guidelines fall into that, and I'm not wholly comfortable with the idea of my parents being aware of how bad my self-esteem has fallen.

Finally, I really appreciate your kind words! I want to reassure you that I'm not at any risk of doing anything of the sort. They're passive thoughts, and not the kind I plan to ever act on. I wouldn't ever want to do that to my friends and family, and I know that things will get better - It's more so that I fear WHEN they'll get better. It's like, "If I stick this out another year or so, I know that I'll be okay." But I also know I won't get this time back again, and that saddens me, in a way. Time is precious, after all.

@greymelody Thank you for being here. You are a sensitive person, very aware of your thoughts and feelings. Let me ask you, are you a creative type, poetry or art or crafting of some type? I ask this because so many artists are very sensitive, feeling much more deeply on all levels than so-called "normal" people. Of course "normal" is everybody's own definition, right?! In my own case, I was very sensitive as a child, very creative, and didn't feel "part of" anything. I had a rough growing up, too, so I can relate to your concerns. It is good that you are keeping track of things.

You're right as to what a therapist must report, and I would certainly talk to her about your concerns in this case. You are a minor, yes, but as an older one, you may have a slightly different level of responsibility. Leave it to her to guide you, and working together you may find it helpful to clue your folks in to some issues, so you have a familial support team. Wish I would have had that, but I didn't. Your therapist may even suggest some family sessions, but remember you have this!

I would like to tag @mamacita and @parus to give some thoughts here. You know, your friends were telling you their feelings for you from their hearts, so open your arms and heart and accept those warm feelings.
We care!
Ginger

@gingerw

There's no need to thank me! Really, I should be the one thanking you for your concern and support, it really does mean a lot. And haha, yeah! You're actually 100% spot on. I'm a creative writer, and have even been in a few writing groups with friends. Also, yup, you're totally right with that! "Normal" is everybody's own definition; there is no true "normal," as every person is unique in their own way!

It's honestly really crazy to me (in a good way) that you say that! To be completely honest, I haven't always really connected to the people in my age group, and never exactly felt like I was really "a part" with them. I think this wasn't really helped by the fact I do online homeschooling since I was 10, I believe, so it was hard for me to meet many people my age, to begin with. I got that type of unity online, although it was with people who were more mature and older, so they may have rubbed off on me and given me a bit more wisdom, too.

Mhm, and yeah, I'll definitely make sure to talk to my therapist about my concerns. I have talked to my parents a little bit about things, but I wasn't really fully comfortable expressing everything, so I don't think I really gave them a full picture of my concerns. To be completely honest, while I love my parents from the bottom of my heart and know they want the best for me, they don't... really tend to be good at comforting me? I have a hard time validating my own experiences, and my parents kind of enunciate that, although not purposefully.

Mm, I know they were. It's just tricky to genuinely accept those feelings. I used to be able to take compliments just fine and they made me happy, but now they just feel hollow, even if I know the person genuinely believes it and does care for me. It's like there's this invisible wall that the words hit without ever fully reaching... me, I guess. I still really do appreciate my friends, though, and they're all very sweet. I've been confiding in them, and they've been very supportive, which has helped me get to the point of being able to seek help - I wouldn't have been able to do it without them, for sure.

Again, though, thank you for all your concern and support! I really do appreciate it.

@greymelody Good morning, Melody. Feeling comfortable speaking with your parents is something that almost all young people in your age group have problems with. So don't feel alone in that. Also, think about the fact that they may be concerned with what is going on with you but at the same time they may feel somewhat helpless to be able to respond and assist you, so it might appear that they are shutting down or ignoring you. They don't mean to. I'm sure they love you as deeply as you love them. But in their confusion it is difficult to express to you how they might be able to help you and be there for you at this time.

Remember your friends do mean well for you and are there to support you. While homeschooling can be very rewarding for an individual, and fit the requirements that are needed in someone's situation, it can't replace the face-to-face exposure of people in your same age category. Personally I feel that is where homeschooling falls down. If possible you need as much face-to-face exposure with young people in your same age category so that you can learn more about yourself. Using Skype or FaceTime and also online communication just isn't the same as being in the same room. Not the same energy, not the same back and forth, not the same attention to body language and tone of voice. The combination all helps you as a mammal to learn the subtle nuances of people and society. Like you, I was fairly isolated, but that was mostly of my own choosing. I didn't want to be around people. I am most comfortable on a one-to-one or being alone. And that continues to this day. There's nothing wrong with it but it also hampers my own way of dealing with people, and myself. Does that make sense?

Ginger

@gingerw Good morning, Ginger! I suppose you're right about that. I know that they do love me as much as I love them, I do. They just have difficulties expressing their support and aren't really sure how to go about helping. It probably doesn't help that when I talk about things in-person, face to face, I tend to treat it lightly with smiles and laughter - even if what I'm talking about is something concerning (it's not something I even do purposefully), but it could lead to confusion of them not really being certain if there's an actual issue or not.

Mhm, for sure. I definitely understand what you're saying. While homeschooling is very rewarding for me and I'm really happy with it, it is true that I lack the face-to-face communication most of my peers have. I've balanced this with befriending people online, and I don't think my social skills are bad or anything; if anything, I'd say they're pretty good. I'm really happy with my friends, even though we don't talk IRL, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. They're very supportive, and have been there for me through my tough times. Sure, we can't talk face-to-face, in-person, but our friendship is still just as strong, if that makes sense.

I do think that the concern of learning the subtle nuances of conversation isn't something I struggle with too much, as long as it's a one-on-one conversation (group conversations are overwhelming, both online and IRL). I tend to pick up on a person's mood easily, and I can carry a conversation very well, both in-person and online. I think that as long as I have my online friends, I personally don't have too much of a concern regarding the lack of IRL connections. Due to my dad's work, us staying in the same area is really up in the air and inconsistent, so even if I did make IRL connections, I'm not sure how long they would last before we would possibly have to travel again.

The only concern I really have regarding my friendships is just the age difference -- The age range for the community I tend to hang around are high-school/college age (as that's the type of writing level we're kind of expected to be at; there's a bunch of competitive writing groups in the overall main community) which means they're getting their life together, figuring out what they want to do, their futures, etc. And I'm happy for them, and I hope it all goes well! But I do sometimes worry about being left behind, all things considered.

But yeah, I definitely understand everything you're saying!

Dearest Mel,@greymelody," you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars."

This poem where those words came from, was read at my wedding, over 44 years ago.
You are not a burden. You are a gift. You have a huge heart, and yes, you are indeed very sensitive.

Those are priceless gifts. I share with you these truths from the bottom of my heart.

Did you know that I have had ADHD and Depression my entire life? ALL my life.

I am all for ancient wisdom and home remedies, but the truth is, lots of medications along with really good counseling is just what the doctor ordered.

My counsel to you, my dear young friend, is actually to work with your parents and get a good medical exam with an excellent PCP. Then, she can refer you to a counselling center with an excellent Psychiatrist. You will only likely see the Psychiatist a few times. You will see the therapist as much or as little as you need.

Taking care of you is your top priority right now. I expect to see great things in your future. You already have an understanding of life that many people never discover.

We need you. The world needs you. I see that bright light within you. I know you do, as well. Thank you for reaching out to Mayo Clinic Connect. We really do want to help you find the answers you need.

There are still good people out there. And as far as you being two faced, I don't see you that way. You don't like to cause conflict. Or hurt anyone's feelings. People who are inclined that way are accused of many things they are not. You are on the path of peace.

All these things are made even more difficult because of your age. Hormone levels and the pressures of this society gang up to knock us down.

Rise up. You are not alone. I hope to hear from you again soon. Love and light to you.

Mamacita

@mamacita, thank you so much, I don't even really what to say-- I can't really say anything besides expressing my gratitude for your kind words. So, really, thank you.

As you're someone who is diagnosed with ADHD and depression, do you think I could contact you in the future for some coping strategies/tactics and information regarding those conditions? I've done a lot of research into it myself, but first-hand accounts are just as important, if not more-so, I would think.

Mhm, and yeah, I agree. When it come to mental health, I've come to form the opinion that all aspects of treatment are important: Forming healthy coping strategies (such as mindfulness, meditation, etc), medication (depending), and therapy (such as CBT, DBT, etc). Like, I would compare it to: They're all pieces of an overall puzzle; you can't just have one piece and not the others, if that makes sense.

That does remind me - Does anybody have any CBT exercises/sources online that I could take a look at? I don't really have access to a therapist right away that I can do that type of thing with, but it seems like something that could be helpful to what I'm struggling with. I also have a friend who I think would benefit from CBT, as well, so all the more reason to learn about it, heh.

Mhm, yeah, I do think doing all that would be a good idea. The main issue that since I'm currently unsure of what our long-term living situation is, I don't think I can get a steady therapist or consistent treatment plan just yet. We're currently in Dubai, and in June, we're going to the U.S. for the therapist appointment to get my ADHD diagnosis (and possibly medication for it, as well).

After that, we aren't really sure -- My dad may be getting a project in Saudi Arabia for a couple of years, so we may possibly move to Bahrain for a while, if that does happen (since my mom and I don't want to move to Saudi, and Bahrain is close enough that he could drive back and forth to see us, I think). Possibly being the keyword here, though, haha.

From the way my mom has talked about the therapist I'm going to see in June, she apparently works through a psychiatrist, of sorts which means that even though she's a therapist, she's allowed to prescribe medication through him. She works in the U.S. though, so if we end up moving to Bahrain or somewhere else, I wouldn't be able to continuously see her -- basically, I can't really get a steady treatment plan until we can figure out where our long-term plans for living are. So I guess I'm sort of searching for coping mechanisms/strategies to work with while I wait for the opportunity to get more concrete treatment?

Still, I want to thank you again for your kind words. I really do appreciate it. Love and light to you, too. ♥

@greymelody So happy that @mamacita commented.Mamacita and I both have long histories of ADHD, depression and adult-recognized autism. You asked about CBT. I did some Googling; there are several different sites. You might spend some time taking a look, perhaps finding one that will fit for you . Thank you for sharing your living situation as it helps us to understand a bit more about you and your dilemmas as far as treatment concerns. I wonder that after working with a therapist or medical professional, if you are physically unavailable that you couldn't do a Skype session so you can keep in contact with them. That is something to think about ! And it would help with consistency of treatment . It takes hard work, which it seems you already have a handle on, to work with a condition, and feel better. We're glad you are here to look in to how you can remedy your situation. We are mighty together!
Ginger

@gingerw Haha, yeah! I really appreciate you guys taking the time to respond and everything.

And yeah, I might have to do some more research into CBT in my free time. I think there's a lot of sources online, it's just a matter of actually finding the right ones and reading, heh. Definitely something worth looking into, at the very least!

Oo, true! You are right that online treatment could be an option, especially considering my living situation. My friend brought up that option a while ago, and I had nearly forgotten it, but it's true -- it's definitely something to look into. I might talk to my parents about it, after I finish my initial appointment in June! Thanks for reminding me of that option, it's definitely something I should consider.

Haha, yes! Together, we are mighty! ♥