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Personality Change of Kidney Transplant Patient
I am at a loss. My sweet husband, who is normally very kind and gentle, has become cynical, rude and just downright hard to be around. He has ESRD, been on dialysis, and received a transplant in September 2017. He has a complex case and is facing possible loss of transplant. I realize he has been through so much and I want to keep being a supportive caregiver. However, there is a limit to what one can take. Any suggestions or strategies on dealing with someone who appears to be mad at the world?
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I, too, am struggling with this. My husband was transplanted in May 2017 (so 4 years now) and he is a totally different person. It was very prominent the first year after transplant and then seemed to get a bit better; however, the last few months have been awful. He is nervous and anxious and also has some OCD that has appeared. We've been married 36 years but not sure I can go on like this. It makes me very sad.
@deekay2021 First, welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. We are fellow patients/caregivers/family members who share our experiences, as you can see from reading the posts here.
Your dilemma sure seems to be familiar with what others have been through, doesn't it? My husband had a cadaver transplant kidney Oct 2016. He still gets bloodwork done every three months, but has had no medication change in several years.
While a transplant can be life-saving, it is also life-changing. Changes in personality, changes in lifestyle, changes in family dynamics. Letting the transplant team know about the changes you see, getting your husband to have a full physical [not always an easy task!], may help everyone understand the differences you see. Have you kept a journal of the changes, are they prominent certain times of the day, after specific activities, etc.? This could help narrow down the issues, for the medical team, and help you see patterns.
You mention you have been married for 36 years. Congratulations! A complete physical for your husband, to rule out other issues going on, would be a great start to figuring this all out. My husband had personality changes also, but we also had other factors going on, like his job, household changes, etc. It's really hard to pin it all on one particular thing when I saw all we were going through.
Please let me know how we can help you today, and if you have thoughts of how you will proceed. Will you do that for me?
Ginger
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3 ReactionsDeekay, I'd like to add my welcome. How are you doing today?
Please, please take care of YOU. There comes a time when there is nothing left to give. But, you do still have your own life.
My heart is with you.
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2 ReactionsMy daughter saw this post and asked if I had written it. This is the first place that I have found where the cold hard facts are presented. My husband had a liver transplant in 1998. Although he was (barely) able to continue working, his health problems were just beginning (heart attack, prostate cancer, diabetes, thyroid issues, gouty arthritis, infection, stroke, etc). If I dare complain, I am reminded that he has been through a lot. This is of course true but we have been along for the whole ride and it has pretty much destroyed our family. Six years ago he had a kidney transplant after the immunosuppressant drugs for the liver transplant destroyed his kidneys. Since then he has changed dramatically. He has gone from a glass half full person to someone for whom the glass no longer exists. Yes, he is on anti-depressants which he normally does not take. He's had therapy for years and refuses any more. I've wasted 4 years in therapy, both private and with NAMI (my group was useless). I've tried to talk to him one-on-one, tried to talk to him in therapy. If he doesn't want to engage, he will just refuse to speak. He won't test or treat his diabetes. I have to do it. I get all of his prescriptions, lay out all of his pills and he still will decide that the medication isn't important and won't take it. I manage everything in the house and coordinate his 14+ doctors. I have had to hide his car keys as his driving is atrocious. He too thinks that he is just fine. His activities are watching TV, reading, and interacting with his 20+ "dating" sites (no he doesn't go on dates but chats with purported women and I believe gets sent pictures). I have had to lock down my finances and separate myself from a joint credit card. I have spoken to a divorce lawyer because it is hard to be a caregiver and be so disrespected by your spouse at the same time. I have not been shy about how hurtful his behavior is to me. He promised to stop at one time and instead signed up for even more dating sites. He lies about it all the time. He refuses to believe that he is imperiling his own online security and finances. He has some kind of dementia as he often is convinced that he needs to go to work to solve some critical problem that only he has the expertise for, or that it is snowing in June, or that his brother left something outside for him, or that our son (deceased) has messed up his TV. He completely lacks empathy and gratitude. Never in this journey has he tried to thank the donor families, never mind the family who supports him. It's really hard to be totally honest about all of this because no sane person would put up with it. I would leave him if there was anyone else who would care for him and if our joint assets wouldn't get messed up because he would do nothing. I was both shocked and relieved to see the post about radical personality change after kidney transplant as that is exactly when the worst of his behavior began...just like a switch had been flipped. Thanks for letting me vent. It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one.
Hi there,
My mother just received a kidney transplant last week and already I saw an immediate personality change in her. Immediately I feel like I dont know her. I look at her and the logical side says "that's mom" but a different side in me says "that is mom but it's not mom." I'm not sure if it's on a spiritual level or what but I feel the change. I'm having a hard time understanding it. This new kidney is a long awaited prayer but deep in my gut I feel uneasy about it.
I am going through the exact same thing right now. My husband had a kidney transplant very recently and I just don't know to make him happy. He is always very angry at me. I keep hoping it will get better, but it just doesn't. I give my everything and it just doesn't matter. He went into surgery my sweet loving happy funny guy, and came out someone I don't know. He is so angry. He yells at me for everything I try to do. He is not who i married anymore, and im scared that I will never see that wonderful person ever again. I want my husband back, I miss him. 😢
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6 ReactionsThe only thing I can recommend is patience and prayer.
You don't say how long it's been since the operation, but anything like that is pretty traumatic. He may be going through a kind of psychic shock, possibly brought on by fear. He's maybe seen mortality for the first time.
It's monstrously unfair that he's venting on you, though. Nothing he's going through justifies abuse.
After my stroke, I had some pretty nasty mood swings. When I got unbearable, my wife would just leave the house for a while -- a couple of hours at least. (She always came back, though I wouldn't have blamed her if she didn't!)
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3 ReactionsIt's been 3 weeks. I love him so very much. Thats what hurts the most.
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4 ReactionsI'm sure you do.
Have you made it clear to him how much he's hurting you? Does he know he's being so cruel?
And what exactly does he expect you to do for him? His recovery is up to him.
I pray that he will soon work through his personal grieving process and get back to his old self!
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