Depression and taking medicine for years

Posted by Jan @theotherone, Dec 7, 2017

I found this board several months ago but I joined just yesterday. I always felt I have nothing valuable to say. Anyway, now I feel the need to join. Events that have happened recently moved me to reach out either for support and to try to be helpful to other people.
I suffer from depression and taking medicine for years. I have experienced ups and downs, sometimes better sometimes worse times. You know it. In October I had to be hospitalized in psychiatric hospital. It was my third time to be there. The reason was that I tried to commit suicide. Weeks before that I felt totally desperate. My condition got worse and worse. I experienced big disappointments with some people who are close to me and I think that was the trigger for depression attack. I could barely sleep abut I always felt tired. I couldn’t even cry, And I saw I getting on my wife’s nerves. I just came to conclusion that it would be better if I stop all that. Luckily, in the hospital they saved my life (I was 2 days in coma). After ER, I was sent to psychiatric hospital. I stayed there for 5 weeks. I know I almost died then and now, even I still have problems with my mood and lack of energy, I want to reach for help and for support.
My depression is coming from my childhood. As a child, I was abused by my father and bullied in school. Maybe later I can tell more about it, I don’t want to write it now. All those things marked me for life. I was 19, when I was able to leave home and I thought all bad is left behind, but it is not that easy. True, I know how to communicate now, I can find friends already but I still carry it with me wherever I go. The fears I have are reflected everywhere, when I talk to others, even when I doing as simple things as shopping. Many times memories come back to me, even as the nightmares, many times I have woke up with screaming.
There are many I would like to say, maybe by time I will be able.
Another reason I joined this forum is that I would like to be in some way helpful to others. We all have problems and I would like to be supportive to others because I know what does it mean to suffer. I hope i can contribute.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety group.

@parus

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those “mares” that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just ain’t true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

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@peach414144 Looking for compassion isn’t bad. As humans, we have need to be accepted and understood.
Seriously, that is terrible, breaking dishes over child”s head. I’m sorry you had to go through such abuse. It’s good you can talk about it and let it out.
To your last sentence, yes, I know what you mean. My parents never had enough money, only for my father’s booze.

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@lisalucier

Hi, @theotherone — Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will find many wonderful members in this community. Sounds like you’ve had some terribly hard life experiences. A few members who come to mind when you talk about a childhood background of abuse are: @amberpep, @parus, @pendragonart, @peach414144 and @vsinn2000. I believe they may have something to share.

You mentioned sometimes fears you have are reflected when you do things like talk to others or go shopping. I’m wondering if you could tell us more about that?

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dear theotherone, yes the guilt trip when not doing anything for the child bothers me for quite a while.

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@parus

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those “mares” that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just ain’t true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

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@theotherone thank you for understanding. yes, no money for food but somehow there were always more dishes. we both know that these incidents of yours and mine are only the surface of how much more was done to us; and to the many others. there is still such a great need for mental health issues of all kinds. it seems to be at the bottom of the list. actually it should be at the top as we all know. these issues affect us in many ways. all of us.

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@kanaazpereira

Hi @theotherone,

I just wanted to jump in and say that you deserve to be applauded. I sincerely believe that by supporting others, by helping others, we also help ourselves. It’s not easy, I know – as @parus said, “Many of us are survivors.” But ‘using’ experiences and sharing stories, as a means to help others, can strengthen our own resilience. We’re so glad you’ve joined the Connect community.

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Hi friend …. I want to add myself to those welcoming you. Your story is not unlike many of ours …. childhood abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual), and then an abusive marriage. It is not easy to get through this without support ….. I’m glad you’ve joined us. We understand, many of us have been there, and through the help of our doctors, this group, and meds. we’re moving on. Will we ever forget? I doubt it, but I have found that my story has helped others open up about their situations in life. Abuse is insidious …. it digs in and even though we think we have conquered its effects, the flashbacks still occasionally come.
We’re with you friend …… stick with us ….. you’ll find wonderful and wise wisdom here from many, many, folks.
Welcome,
abby

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@kanaazpereira

Hi @theotherone,

I just wanted to jump in and say that you deserve to be applauded. I sincerely believe that by supporting others, by helping others, we also help ourselves. It’s not easy, I know – as @parus said, “Many of us are survivors.” But ‘using’ experiences and sharing stories, as a means to help others, can strengthen our own resilience. We’re so glad you’ve joined the Connect community.

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@amberpep Thank you. Yes, I can feel support here. I hope I can be support for other people here.

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@parus

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those “mares” that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just ain’t true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

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should be the top of the list as it is the cause of most of the chronic diseases that are becoming more and more common. maybe that is too simplistic to say, but there are proven links between such diseases and childhood trauma. even if the powers that be only look at monetary costs burdening society, childhood trauma is at the root of crime of all kinds as well as illnesses.

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My 2 cents worth on crime the world over having roots related to child abuse…likely in many cases this is true. Yet, is up to each individual as to how they live their lives. Many have only know abuse and carry on the abuse because it worked for the authority figures in their lives. For some, yelling, threatening, denigrating/ beating, etc. achieved the purpose for others so on it goes. There are those who chose to break the cycle of abuse. I believe it is to those doing so that applause is due.
Also the media plays an even stronger role (again, my opinion). Turn on the TV and there is mostly drama encouraging negative behavior. Something doesn’t suit someone-need I say more?
Child abuse is a sad thing and when I see a big person berating a little person as the blame for their own ineptitude it is difficult.

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@parus

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those “mares” that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just ain’t true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

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yes, pendragonart again you are correct. to me it appears as though mental abuse along with the physical abuse can cause all sorts of illnesses. both mental and physical. sharing with others does help all of us. thank you.

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@parus

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those “mares” that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just ain’t true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

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I do understand the physical pain. my father enjoyed my suffering, wanted to see me in physical pain. he was a scientific researcher, experimented on people and a MD. he wanted me to have endless operations and painful procedures.

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@parus

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those “mares” that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just ain’t true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

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yes @pendragonart.i agree. when the constant trauma of physical and mental abuse is generated for years it could very well cause the body to change into a protective mode; and change the bodies protective devices causing long term illnesses. it confuses the body oh well i am just a layman but i could see this to be so.

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@parus

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those “mares” that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just ain’t true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

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my goodness, my goodness @pendragonart. when i needed to take my son for his many operations to correct his cleft lip, palate, nose and etc. it pained me so deeply i still cringe at the mental and physical pain my son went through. i had to be strong and hold on to be with him. we both suffered so much. i hope my son does not feel the same way about me because of the treatments and operations he went through. (he is doing well now). i am so sorry for you. i do feel your pain. now is the time to enjoy. careingly, peach

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@parus

@jimhd Seems many of us have a lot in common. It is those “mares” that are difficult to deal with. I was always one to keep busy all the time. My bod gave out and I hit the bottom of the pit. A daily challenge for many of us to face. My abusive childhood had remained buried for a long time. Stuff happens and oft makes us what we are now. That old saying of, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just ain’t true!! I can still hear the recantations of my abusers. Many of us are survivors. Thanks again Jim.

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Sounds a bit like munchkins by proxy.
abby

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