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Depression and taking medicine for years
I found this board several months ago but I joined just yesterday. I always felt I have nothing valuable to say. Anyway, now I feel the need to join. Events that have happened recently moved me to reach out either for support and to try to be helpful to other people.
I suffer from depression and taking medicine for years. I have experienced ups and downs, sometimes better sometimes worse times. You know it. In October I had to be hospitalized in psychiatric hospital. It was my third time to be there. The reason was that I tried to commit suicide. Weeks before that I felt totally desperate. My condition got worse and worse. I experienced big disappointments with some people who are close to me and I think that was the trigger for depression attack. I could barely sleep abut I always felt tired. I couldn't even cry, And I saw I getting on my wife's nerves. I just came to conclusion that it would be better if I stop all that. Luckily, in the hospital they saved my life (I was 2 days in coma). After ER, I was sent to psychiatric hospital. I stayed there for 5 weeks. I know I almost died then and now, even I still have problems with my mood and lack of energy, I want to reach for help and for support.
My depression is coming from my childhood. As a child, I was abused by my father and bullied in school. Maybe later I can tell more about it, I don't want to write it now. All those things marked me for life. I was 19, when I was able to leave home and I thought all bad is left behind, but it is not that easy. True, I know how to communicate now, I can find friends already but I still carry it with me wherever I go. The fears I have are reflected everywhere, when I talk to others, even when I doing as simple things as shopping. Many times memories come back to me, even as the nightmares, many times I have woke up with screaming.
There are many I would like to say, maybe by time I will be able.
Another reason I joined this forum is that I would like to be in some way helpful to others. We all have problems and I would like to be supportive to others because I know what does it mean to suffer. I hope i can contribute.
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to theotherone: Hello. I just now logged on and saw your post within the last hour. I am just quickly acknowledging you and thanking you for sharing yourself on this forum. It can be hard to share such awful feelings. I've had long term depression all my life. I truly understand and you will connect with a lot of people here who understand. Blessings.
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3 ReactionsHi, @theotherone -- Really glad that you decided to join us here. I think you will find many wonderful members in this community. Sounds like you've had some terribly hard life experiences. A few members who come to mind when you talk about a childhood background of abuse are: @amberpep, @parus, @pendragonart, @peach414144 and @vsinn2000. I believe they may have something to share.
You mentioned sometimes fears you have are reflected when you do things like talk to others or go shopping. I'm wondering if you could tell us more about that?
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3 Reactions@lisalucier As a child (and now, too), I was very shy. I was often ridiculed for being like that, even by my parents. I was pushed to "make friends" and made feel guilty when I couldn't. Now it is very hard for me to be spontaneous. I feel some guilt because I'm not so talkative.
When it comes to shopping, I don't have problem to shop in supermarkets, because there I just take what I need, but if I need to ask for something, I start to stutter and I am nervous even before I go there. As a child I stutter a lot, especially when I talked to strange people. My father often forced me to shop alcohol for him and even beat me, when I was scared to go. Since then I hate to shop when I need to ask for something. Thanks God for e-shops.
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2 ReactionsWell, welcome! I just want to say up front that this is going to positively affect your life. The support you will get is amazing and the understanding and experiences you've had will make a difference to someone in this forum. Just being brave enough to start sharing is a huge step and for me, the hardest part. Now that you've shared, waited for a negative response but got only support (been there, done that), doesn't it help to finally be able to just get it out? I was afraid, just waiting, and have found a strength I didn't know I had, because you don't get judged here. Please stay, and keep talking. You will make a difference, someone else may just need that bit of encouragement. I hope things get better for you. It's a hard road but stay with it and don't give up on yourself!
Vicky
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4 Reactions@georgette12 Thank you for your encouraging words to @theotherone !
Teresa
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1 Reaction@vsinn2000 Thanks for those encouraging words to @theotherone ! Teresa
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2 Reactions@vsinn2000 Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I can see that people here are nice and supportive. I am very happy I've found this forum. We all face similar troubles and therefore we should listen and support others.
I am very thankful to Moderators and Mentors for warm welcome.
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3 ReactionsThe first real sharing post is tough!
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2 Reactions@theotherone
We are all here for you!
Teresa
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3 Reactions@theotherone
I wrote a note to you at another place recently. I can relate to so much of what you've told us about your life. I didn't suffer abuse as a child, just what I could call benign neglect by my father. He didn't know how to express his love for his (6) kids. But, in 2005, I found myself falling into a deep, dark hole of depression, and after I attempted suicide several times, I admitted myself to a facility for people who have attempted. I stayed for 6 weeks before I felt that I might be safe outside. I soon discovered I wasn't safe, and made more attempts, and I spent 3 miserable days at the facility. (That's a whole separate story.) It took me a long time to see any light at the top of the hole I was in, and even longer to move away from the suicidal ideation. A long time, as in 5 or 6 years. I still struggle with the thoughts of guilt and feeling like I'm a burden to my wife.
We understand the fears, the recurring awake nightmares, the nighttime nightmares, the association of people and places that are triggers, the poor self-image and mental illness. Many of us here have dealt, or are dealing with the very same things, so you're understood and accepted here just as you are. The support of peers is healing.
Any time you're ready to say more about your life, we're here to listen and offer whatever support we can. I'm very pleased that you've taken the step of reaching out. I'm looking forward to watching your progress. We're here to cheer you on.
Jim
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