Need help understanding a man's point of view

Posted by david33 @david33, Mon, Mar 18 3:28pm

My name is Laura, and my husband had a shunt put into his head to relieve the fluid off his brain. When this first happened I ignored his mood swings believing that it was due to the shunt and him being depressed because he can no longer work. Now I’m told by his doctor’s that this is not the case.
When we got married everything was perfect, now that it’s going on 15 years of marriage he has been acting and doing crazy things. He is a step-dad of my daughter, and while she was pregnant he took care of her like a husband/boyfriend would. Now that our grandson is born, he became over bearing, and ignorant to me.
EXAMPLE: If our daughter does something wrong and we get into an arguement, he would yell at me and tell me to leave her alone.

Am I wrong to think he wants a relationship with my daughter?
He says no, but the text messages that he sends to our daughter (she shows me) and the way he acts around her is putting crazy thought into my head. I have trust isses as it is with an affair he had 3 years ago.

Please, can someone help me to understand.
Is it a mid-life crisis?
The shunt?
Or is it just me seeing and hearing whats not there?

I don’t trust counceling because the last time I went,and I was in the middle of explaining my issue the doctor brought my husband and daughter into the room and ignored me after that.
If anyone needs more detail to help me you can send me a personal message.

Thank you

Hi @david33 you may have noticed I removed your email address and put in its place you can personal message me. I did this so that you can avoid unwanted spam.

This sounds like a very challenging situation that you are being put through by your husband.

While we wait for others to take part in this discussion, have you discussed this with any other close friends or relatives?

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Hello @david33

I certainly understand your fears about your husband's behavior and personality change. Any of us would feel like you do in this situation. How long ago did your husband have the shunt procedure? Have you ever went with your husband to his doctor's appointment and discussed his behavior to see if it might be related to the shunt? As you mentioned that your daughter sometimes shows you his texts, I'm wondering if she as uncomfortable with his behavior as you are?

As you know, at Mayo Connect, we cannot make a diagnosis, we can just share patient-to-patient experiences. However, I do suggest that you try to find a different counselor and meet with him/her by yourself and not bring your husband into the counseling situation at the beginning. If you need help finding a good counselor you might check with your church or your local mental health center. It is important that you keep yourself safe from abuse, including mental and emotional abuse.

I would also suggest that you find a NAMI support group in your area. They have family support groups for people who are living with others who have mental illness. You need to find some strategies that work to help you understand how to deal with this situation and also how to keep yourself safe. Here is a link to NAMI's website where you can find more information and support, https://www.nami.org/find-support/nami-programs/nami-family-support-group.

I look forward to hearing how you are doing seeking out support for yourself. Will you post again and let me know how you are doing with this process?

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@david33 Try to not be overly paranoid. I know situations like that when there was absolutely no need to worry but one of the people in the relationship constantly thought that something was going on, and there was nothing going on.
Does your daughter also feel uncomfortable? Maybe she should be the one to tell him it makes her uncomfortable if she does. It does sound like he has developed a very strong attachment to her, but that can be good too. When it's not about our daughter, how is he with just you? I think that says a lot too.
I agree with the others, maybe find a better counselor. It's not right for you to have to feel so uncomfortable.
JK

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Thanks for getting back to me, I do go with him to the doctors appointments, and the man (doc) will not talk to me about the anything unless I stress the issue.
The only thing he tells me is not to nag, tease or do anything that might make my husband agitated.
My husband can tease or anything else with anyone and when it comes to me he explodes.
His everyday health, systems or what not is all about him, if something goes wrong he says no one cares.

EXAMPLE:
My daughter took her son for a walk alone and didn't ask him, he started crying and said she didn't care enough to ask him.

I'm wondering is it me who has issues with this shunt or something else entirely?

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@david33

It sounds like you still need to explore this situation with a counselor on your own. You would do well to contact your local community mental health group or a NAMI group as I mentioned above.

You do need to get support for yourself in sorting this out.

Will you do that?

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@hopeful33250

@david33

It sounds like you still need to explore this situation with a counselor on your own. You would do well to contact your local community mental health group or a NAMI group as I mentioned above.

You do need to get support for yourself in sorting this out.

Will you do that?

Jump to this post

I will have to look into searching for one who will help me without putting words into my head and making matters worse than what they are….my family believes he's having an affair and his family says boys will be boys….
And friends believe I'm over bearing and jealous of them being close.

I'm not jealous, I'm happy that they can communicate with each other….I'm just upset of the way I'm being treated of not allowed to express my feelings or concerns about anything……like my feelings don't matter.
But I will get a counselor to sort this out

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@david33 I don't know much about brain shunts but I will tell you my mother's experience. After she had a brain tumor removed that was the size of a large orange, her personality changed. Instead of the doormat she had spent her life being, she now said whatever came into her head, especially if someone was treating her still like the doormat. Now she would pop off to them then feel bad because in the past she would have just taken whatever anyone said to her. At her doctor's appointment she told him about this and questioned why she was doing this. He told her that anytime there's been trauma to the brain it's normal to have a personality change. He said they don't mention it until someone asks because they don't want someone deliberately acting differently and telling everyone they have no control over it.
Could this be a part of what's going on with your husband?

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@david33 One other thing–boys will be boys is bs. Don't let anyone sell you that. It sounds like there's something going on that you definitely need support and guidance for. Please follow the suggestions of the others and do this for yourself. We all need someone rooting for us as we go through life.

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@david33, I encourage you to trust your gut. Your husband may “think” differently now, and you may want to seek immediate help for him AND for your daughter as well as yourself. Good luck.

Liked by lioness, Lyn

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@david33

I will have to look into searching for one who will help me without putting words into my head and making matters worse than what they are….my family believes he's having an affair and his family says boys will be boys….
And friends believe I'm over bearing and jealous of them being close.

I'm not jealous, I'm happy that they can communicate with each other….I'm just upset of the way I'm being treated of not allowed to express my feelings or concerns about anything……like my feelings don't matter.
But I will get a counselor to sort this out

Jump to this post

@david33

Glad to hear that you will find a counselor to help you (and just you). As you sort out these thoughts and feelings it will help you decide how to appropriately deal with his attitude and actions toward you.

You need to develop your own set of tools for dealing with this difficult situation and a good counselor can help with this.

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Thank you all, I feel like the third wheel in this relationship. Ever since he got the shunt he's been making excuses, the affair I forgave him but I'm still working on the trust issue….but with our daughter (his step daughter) everything is going down hill for me.

I will give you all an update, on what happens with me seeking help, and him having his shunt replaced.

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Update,
The doctor thinks it's his memory changing due to his shut and his doctor is going to try and fix it tomorrow. My therapist wants me to hold my head high and try and believe in them and give him a update on the out come when they do the surgery.

I just want my husband back happy and healthy.

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That is such good news, @david33! You definitely can hold your head high and I look forward to your update after your husband's surgery.

Liked by lioness, Lyn

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@david33

Update,
The doctor thinks it's his memory changing due to his shut and his doctor is going to try and fix it tomorrow. My therapist wants me to hold my head high and try and believe in them and give him a update on the out come when they do the surgery.

I just want my husband back happy and healthy.

Jump to this post

@david33. I hope that solves the problem, that it is a fixable, physical thing. I’m sure it will be a huge relief to have your husband back. I too will be looking forward to hearing results.
JK

Liked by lioness, Lyn

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@david33

Update,
The doctor thinks it's his memory changing due to his shut and his doctor is going to try and fix it tomorrow. My therapist wants me to hold my head high and try and believe in them and give him a update on the out come when they do the surgery.

I just want my husband back happy and healthy.

Jump to this post

@david33 Hello Laura,

I was just thinking about you and your husband. Has the surgery on his shunt been scheduled yet?

If you are comfortable doing so, will you provide an update as to how he (and you) are doing?

Liked by lioness

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