Lost friends since telling them about small vessel disease

Hello, @red79 I'm Scott and while my wife did not have small vessel disease, she did have brain cancer, which caused her to look 'normal' but be unable to function normally mentally and emotionally.

All but two of our longtime (decades-long) friends could not manage my wife being ill and ghosted on us. I imagine others here can chime in with their experiences too. Two friends, who we never would have guessed, did stick with us through thick and thin. They were an incredible blessing to us! One was an elementary school classmate of my wife's and one was a work colleague of mine from a job years and years ago.

Over time a couple of these friends did confide in me that they were "just too uncomfortable" with my wife's sickness so it was easier for them to just leave our lives. One couple of more than 40 years still have not ever acknowledged to me that my wife died.

I only guess the adage is true: "Ignorance (even if feigned) is bliss" for some folks.

Luckily I found this community and it has really helped me with this.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

@red79 Dang, I had a nice reply to you, then it disappeared. Hate when that happens!

Like @IndianaScott, I don't have your same condition, but do face the obstacles of looking "normal" while dealing with multiple health concerns. Sometimes people don't know how they should act towards you, should they change anything, and instead move away [especially when you might need them the most!] Sometimes people do not feel comfortable being reminded that we are mortal, and vulnerable.

I have a few people here in this little town whom I can call on if assistance is needed, even if it is for a cup of tea and talk. In my situation, moving 5 years ago, 800 miles from my core support group, I needed to reestablish myself. What would you like to tell those friends who have backed off? Would you think to tell them, "hey, I would really love to know you are on my side right now!"?
Ginger

hi ginger thanks for being so supportive,yes I would like to say that but I darent.at least I'm making new genuine friends on here.rachel

Hi Scott I'm sorry to hear of loss, thanks for replying,I'm starting to see your point I be fine got my family and my mayo clinic friends I've made here.stay strong,

I don't have what you identified but I have had 3 different diagnosis of cancer, I have heart failure and kidney failure .
I have had many people back away. I actually had a long time friend ... like a sister to me ... tell me that she just couldn't deal with watching me suffer and cut off all contact . Now I never spoke about pain or suffering so it was just her inability to deal with emotion. But then I also had little support from some of those closest to me... aside from my husband. He has been amazing. It was really my faith family who stepped up. Who brought meals etc. Even during covid they brought their cultural and family recipes for healing when we had covid.
I've learned to give them grace and try to understand that everyone deals with crisis , suffering and grief differently 💔
Does it hurt sometimes...yes.
But, one thing I know is... chronic illness is hard !
and I care enough for them to not want them to have to suffer in the midst. I can't hold it against them.
But I do try to be there for others who hurt and struggle... so they don't have to do it alone.

My wife has had Long Covid for several years and most friends have flown the coop. I understand, but that does not excuse their behavior. We are both retired and I am in excellent health, so have been able to take on most chores and other responsibilities (I've never been adept at cooking, but with my wife's expert help I can put out some very good dishes, proof that you can teach a 75-year-old dog new tricks). This illness has brought us closer together as well. Our family (two children and two grandchildren) have been supportive. Before this, I took care of my parents and have well-practiced skills in self care.

Yes, it has been disheartening to see so many who have dropped off the radar since my wife's health problem began, about three years ago. She has a different health issue though from your wife. My wife was one to remember birthdays, have the nieces and nephews over on holidays, organize womens get togethers after work etc. My brother and sister, have been super though, even though they live quite far away, but they maintain contact.

Oh yes. Just 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Dementia.
It is mild, I don’t look, speak, or act much different than before. However, my neighbors who were always so friendly, seem to be avoiding me now.
Why? I’m not asking them to do anything for me that is out of the ordinary, so I don’t have a clue.
I feel rather hurt…

That is a tough diagnosis. I'd suggest that you hook up with a Zoom or in-person Alzheimer's Support Group meeting, which can be life-saving. The Alzheimers Association, based in Chicago with many local chapters has some great resource materials.

I am so sorry. Coming from a Christian this may sound blunt, but, here it is. Most people cannot handle when they are healthy and a friend/family member has a chronic or serious illness. It's sad. I have lost friends as well.

When people ask me how I am doing, I tell them I am blessed....because I truly am. Or that I am ''Better than I deserve". It's sad to say but a lot of people do not learn compassion for others until they go through something physically themselves.

I have 3 close friends that stick with me no matter what and I am forever grateful. They truly want to know how I am. I try not to wear them out with the details and just hit the "high" spots so I will not exhaust them.

Chronic illness has drawn me closer to the Lord, given me a greater prayer life for others and compassion for others in a deeper way.

Praying for you and I care. Please keep me posted. Hugs & Blessings....