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My perfectionist family is causing my depression even worse
1. I have been diagnosed with depression. I am perfectionist. My family is perfectionist ONLY WHEN TOWARDS ME! They are not perfectionists in their only lives at all as I see them. However, if I do the task with with a trivial, small mistake, they come to look at this mistake, exaggerate it and then ignore the success I made. They look at the 0.00001% mistake and ignore the 99.99999% success. As I said earlier, I am myself is a perfectionist and have unreasonable criteria but the matter is even worse when having a perfectionist family, and it is even worse when they are perfectionists only towards me!! I cannot believe that I will be criticized if I got an A in a course rather than an A+!! If I look at this family member who criticized me about getting an A, I see my grades are much much better than him! Is it reasonable?!
2. What is causing me much stressed and anxious in the matter is the following. I do my best to help my brothers. If I made a small mistake they would inform my mother. The problem is she is and elderly lady and diagnosed with a heart disease! I do my best to follow her commands and make her feel happy towards me. She is very lovely towards me. When we talk about such problems, she always realized that my brothers are unrealistic and she would say to me be patient towards them. Everything with that is ok to me. What is not ok is the irritation caused to my mother when they go and scream at her: Look what your stupid son has done!! I can feel her paining immediately and as I said earlier she is diagnosed with a heart disease. I have told them such a statement: “I am a bad person. My mistakes are unlimited and countless. But I see your kindness which will make you conceal my bad deeds, not because I deserve that, but because of your kindness “! While I do not believe in this statement, I have said it again and again. Why? Because I love my mother and want her to live in peace. What is their response to me is the following: “We will keep telling her your mistakes regardless of her heart disease”!! Note that my mistakes are not intentional because they are perfectionist! I feel pain while typing those words, anxious, exhausted and irritated! I think you can feel what I feel when you read those words. In an attempt to stop the issue from escalating, I said to my brothers: “If you think you are right and I am doing wrong, then let’s go to ask our uncle about the matter” . They immediately REJECTED and said there no problem at all to be solved!! I can see that they believe in themselves how they are doing wrong and are worried from the disclosure of this matter among the relatives! However, my mother felt irritated towards the idea and then I rejected it also . So what should I do? I think you that if someone talks too many then he may be very irritated! I am Help
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Hello Chris, @artscaping, and thanks for sharing with @aliali the benefits of assertiveness training. I'm glad that it helped you and that you were able to teach it to your clients as well. I remember how much it helped me. It changed me from a mousy person who was overly concerned about what others thought of me to one who was able to stand up for myself.
Just wondering, how is your granddaughter doing now? I hope she has recovered from some of the emotional abuse she experienced. That sure is a tough way to grow up.
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3 ReactionsHi @hopeful33250, I so appreciate your support also. If there ever was a time for me to self-disclose it must be now.
Unfortunately, after ending Jr. High as a student of the year, being accepted to the School of Performing Arts, and serving as a liaison for OCD to the county-wide mental health staff of the school district, she wanted to heal the world and thought she could.
She moved in with a fellow who has a multiphasic personality disorder and is also manic depressive. His manic times are threatening. In order to be his caregiver, she dropped out of college, gave up her fabulous part-time job at the college helping students with disabilities, and sank down to the point where the intrusive thoughts of OCD control her life.
There, I have said it........and now my thoughts return to you and others who may be in need of help to be emotionally self-supporting.
Have a lovely and sunny day. Chris
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3 Reactions@artscaping
Thank you for sharing! It takes courage to be so vulnerable. I am so sorry to hear about your granddaughter's problems. How difficult for you and the rest of her family to see her under such a heavy burden. Unfortunately, that kind of childhood does not lead to making good choices as adults.
I hope there will be another turning point in her life and she will get another chance to turn things around. Where there is life, there is hope.
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3 Reactions@artscaping- Chris, so sorry to hear this story of your granddaughter. We all have hopes for our kids & grandkids and your story just breaks my heart as I can tell it does yours as well. I will keep both of you in my prayers. May God fill you with His peace in the midst of this challenging story. Jim @thankful
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3 Reactions@artscaping I'm sorry to hear about the situation that your granddaughter has been experiencing with the influence of this person in her life. It's so vital to balance support of oneself and support of others. Does she have friends or advocates who can be non-judgmental and supportive? At times, I myself have needed advocacy but definitely not judgment or control, as it's natural for us in close emotional partnerships to feel threatened if somebody outside of our partnership asserts that they know what is best.
@aliali how are things going with your family? I'm 24, so I can understand the process of navigating respect and self-assertion in our 20s. I think it's important to pay attention to when you're feeling like your environment is toxic, and then assess how you can empower yourself to seek distance or address how you're feeling while still maintaining the respect and energy we owe our elders. Have you attempted any self-assertion since your original post?
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2 ReactionsThought some of you in this thread might be interested to read the latest Connect member spotlight, which is on @ayeshasharma, one of the members involved in this conversation, @ayeshasharma https://connect.mayoclinic.org/page/about-connect/newsfeed-post/advocating-for-those-who-feel-alienated-from-health-care-spaces-meet-ayeshasharma/. Learn about Ayesha's passions, important qualities in friendships, favorite foods and more. Leave a comment, if you'd like.