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missy4396
@missy4396

Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 26, 2017

My depression never seems to end

Posted by @missy4396, Apr 26, 2017

I am new to this group, I just happened to find it today. I get the monthly depression online readings from Mayo Clinic. I turned 50 on Monday. I have stayed in denial. I know this may not seem like a bad age, however it is for me. I have been divorced for 15 years. I have never remarried. I have 2 beautiful daughters, they are 29 and 21. I rarely see either one of them. I am a recovering alcoholic as well. I do attend meetings, see a counselor, work with a sponsor and sponsor other ladies in the program. I see a psychiatrist and I do take a couple anti-depressants. I have been hospitalized two times in patient and several times in partial day treatment. I do work, however I haven’t this week. I don’t get paid if I don’t work. So financially I’m messed up. I’ve been physically sick and should be going back to work tomorrow. I live paycheck to paycheck and I can’t afford to even miss an hours work. I was sober for 17 years until my divorce. I started drinking very heavily again, my girls were 16 and 9. Neither one of them had seen me drink up until that time. I did a lot of damage as they were growing up. This is why I rarely see them or talk to them. I am very lonely and hat this life I live. I have a diagnosis of severe depression with recurring episodes. I have been in counseling for years. This is a horrible disease and I feel like I have had very little relief over the last 15 years. My doctor and I both agree that I don’t respond well to antidepressants. I have tried them all. I am not suicidal by any means. But I feel like I have no reason to be here. I have no purpose….I’m so lonely and regret the past. I once had a very happy family…normal family. My girls are in contract with their day regularly. My youngest lives with him. He is also an alcoholic and I believe an addict. He is a functional alcoholic where I am not. I don’t want to drink, not do I want to be so miserable any more. I don’t know what else to do….feeling very hopeless and days I just want to give up!!! I am blessed to still have both my parents, I do feel like they are my only real family!!

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I understand your pain, I have similar concerns about my life. I live alone & have been divorced for over 30 years. Now that I am a senior I worry about my children & my finances. Until last year, I have always worked, did volunteer work etc. a year ago I moved to a new state & am not working or voluterring & having a difficult time adjusting to this new lifestyle. I was a victim of a pedophile when I was young & had a baby I gave up for adoption. In those days it was always the girls fault & I felt like I had a scarlet letter on my back. It was never discussed in over 50 years & never discussed or told anyone all those years. After years of researching for him, five years ago I found him & he had been looking for me. I never had help in all the those years & have felt worthless & didn’t have confidence in myself & went through two divorces. I had a son in my first marriage & I also lost a full term baby too, that was the last of my marriage at that point. I gave birth to three sons & now I have one son to take care of. My son had an accident at age 16 & came very close to dying, if I had lost him I don’t know what I would have done. I had to get a job & find a place to live & back in those times renting a apartment for a single women was basically unheard of. I tried to block out all the mistakes I had made up & until this point in my life. I felt hopeless & didn’t know what to do, however looking at my life today I found the biggest thing I have is I am a survivor. It hurts me deeply that do not have the relationship with the son I found like I do with the son I raised. But they are adults & have their own lives to live & I need to find my life & move forward with how ever many years I have left. I don’t like being around other people & I live in a community with many amenities but have not participated in anything. It is a struggle each day to find a reason to do something, but I know I am a survivor & try not to think about the past because that is what it is, my past. Now I need to move forward, I just take one day at a time, baby steps, to move on. I am sure if you can get your mind off of the negativity & your past you too will find you are a survivor too. Baby steps each day….best of luck to you.

I see a lot of things going on..I have never been an alcoholic but I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD from brain injuries and am divorced so I understand the loneliness and that deficit..My twins are 14 and they feel that difference..I did not remarry my ex did..he is still not very nice but I am disabled and right now do not drive so that is the isolation..I have learned Psychiatrists only talk for a few minutes and regularly give meds..psychologists give 45 minutes of talking and cannot give meds..they work with the psychiatrist…Secondly we marry our family sometimes..that pain repeats…your kids have not resolved what they experienced and if by chance they did, you are not there yet…third..happiness starts with you so the first thing is finding you..who are you..what do you like..journal and you need to let go of the past and forgive yourself..how?.. GOD showed me..simply envision a movie theater with you and someone who makes you feel strong..now you do this when you feel you are ready to let go and I suggest first journaling out this negativity so you can see how your brain looks at life for a good few weeks just to meet you for the last time..then this exercise..but in this movie theater, one at a time, go through each negative, memory, thought, each one remember like a silent movie and let it play and then reach your hand up and like the old film strips pull it out of your head and look at your fist because it is there, out of your head..there will be a box by your foot..throw it down..each one watch and throw it down..you will feel lighter with each…then you pick up photo albums and give yourself good memories, listen to good music, change the colors in your home to bright happy colors, you can get a light box or open the shades and go outside and take a walk and breathe in the air and you know what , if you pray for your family..GOD is kind..you can write them..send pictures..tell your kids simply that you love them…And smile..I started changing every negative thought to a positive..took a solid year..but my body rejected my antidepressants..I do not produce Seratonin with a damaged Limbic system..but I am going strong..smiling…deep slow breaths and look in the mirror at you close your eyes and ask GOD to see yourself with HIS LOVE..and open them..start loving you…First step is seeing the problem then it is trying to find an answer, do not overwhelm yourself..one step at a time..You will get there..GOD BLESS

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I do believe in God and do pray for direction and his will for me. The one thing I’ve been looking for is my purpose here. I was always a wife and mom to young children. I feel like I was on a bad drunk and when I finally came to 5 years later, everything was gone. The only thing left was me a broken person. I have been sober for almost 4 years now. I do get on my piti-pot quite often. Thank you for the reminder about my negative thinking. I have been working on that, seems like I have been so low I have forgotten to do the small things in life that does help me. Thank your for caring enough to take the time out to reach out to me. God Bless you as well

@mlcmag

I understand your pain, I have similar concerns about my life. I live alone & have been divorced for over 30 years. Now that I am a senior I worry about my children & my finances. Until last year, I have always worked, did volunteer work etc. a year ago I moved to a new state & am not working or voluterring & having a difficult time adjusting to this new lifestyle. I was a victim of a pedophile when I was young & had a baby I gave up for adoption. In those days it was always the girls fault & I felt like I had a scarlet letter on my back. It was never discussed in over 50 years & never discussed or told anyone all those years. After years of researching for him, five years ago I found him & he had been looking for me. I never had help in all the those years & have felt worthless & didn’t have confidence in myself & went through two divorces. I had a son in my first marriage & I also lost a full term baby too, that was the last of my marriage at that point. I gave birth to three sons & now I have one son to take care of. My son had an accident at age 16 & came very close to dying, if I had lost him I don’t know what I would have done. I had to get a job & find a place to live & back in those times renting a apartment for a single women was basically unheard of. I tried to block out all the mistakes I had made up & until this point in my life. I felt hopeless & didn’t know what to do, however looking at my life today I found the biggest thing I have is I am a survivor. It hurts me deeply that do not have the relationship with the son I found like I do with the son I raised. But they are adults & have their own lives to live & I need to find my life & move forward with how ever many years I have left. I don’t like being around other people & I live in a community with many amenities but have not participated in anything. It is a struggle each day to find a reason to do something, but I know I am a survivor & try not to think about the past because that is what it is, my past. Now I need to move forward, I just take one day at a time, baby steps, to move on. I am sure if you can get your mind off of the negativity & your past you too will find you are a survivor too. Baby steps each day….best of luck to you.

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Thank you so much for sharing with me. I appreciate you’re positive outlook on you life. You are a survivor!! I’ve beat myself up and struggled with this for many years. I know my girls are grown and have their own lives, I just so miss when they were little, before I started drinking. I was the best Mom ever!! Those were the best day of my life!!

Thank you again

@missy4396

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I do believe in God and do pray for direction and his will for me. The one thing I’ve been looking for is my purpose here. I was always a wife and mom to young children. I feel like I was on a bad drunk and when I finally came to 5 years later, everything was gone. The only thing left was me a broken person. I have been sober for almost 4 years now. I do get on my piti-pot quite often. Thank you for the reminder about my negative thinking. I have been working on that, seems like I have been so low I have forgotten to do the small things in life that does help me. Thank your for caring enough to take the time out to reach out to me. God Bless you as well

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It took me a while to get here too and I have good and bad days but you have to find what is important and that purpose..Before my accident I used to feel low and my self esteem was horrible so everybody walked all over me..when I woke from my coma it was a new beginning but though I was happier well because that first year there was nothing there..I had to relearn life..and find that meaning..You are sober..be proud of that..and yes it is a struggle but you are doing it..we cannot change how other people think, but we can change us and our outlook..so this is your new beginning..maybe you can find something even to make or do that can be a personal thing for each of your children..a memory book of the good times..something to show you are there..Mother’s Day is coming so it can be a glorious time to celebrate..Everything takes time and forgiveness well not only do you forgive you but them this time and actually forgive your ex to..all this adds up to that anger..forgiveness heals…GOD always asks us to forgive and to learn and grow from that time..And I will pray for that healing too..

Liked by missy4396

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

I am going back to work today, I don’t have time to read everyone’s posts this morning. i will this evening. I feel better when I’m working. Wish me luck. 2 day paycheck this week is better then a 0 day paycheck. How do I follow people on here? and have people follow me? Thank you!!!

@missy4396

I am going back to work today, I don’t have time to read everyone’s posts this morning. i will this evening. I feel better when I’m working. Wish me luck. 2 day paycheck this week is better then a 0 day paycheck. How do I follow people on here? and have people follow me? Thank you!!!

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@missy4396, ive just been hitting view & reply at the bottom of a post. You can also talk privately but i think i forgot how to do that. Im itching terribly right now, one of my awful symptoms from nowhere.

@missy4396

I am going back to work today, I don’t have time to read everyone’s posts this morning. i will this evening. I feel better when I’m working. Wish me luck. 2 day paycheck this week is better then a 0 day paycheck. How do I follow people on here? and have people follow me? Thank you!!!

Jump to this post

Also known as Judy

@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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@danybegood1 Hi Judy: It sounds like you and your children have had a most difficult time, I’m so sorry to hear of their father’s death without any warning of his illness. I am glad to know that your PCP changed your medicine, it might be just the change you need right now. I so like your phrase, “with a little luck, and perseverance, we.will all survive.” Thank you for these encouraging words that you have posted, they might just be what someone needed to hear today! Teresa

Liked by missy4396

@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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My ex is similar.towards me..but children bond with dad because it is dad…the only thing you can do is love..and not trash him in front of the girls because it brings you to a bad light..like i said forgiveness is for you..a gift of healing..my brain injuries unfortunately led me to not have my kids full time..so I can see what it does to them..and the body reacts to stress so..I just went through a rash..but usually i go through psychogenic seizures from stress..all too real..anything can happen with stress build up..so look if meds changed..if anything is different if not it just may be stress..Epson salt baths and well biofeedback tapes are fantastic..Neuropsychologists are good even as psycologists because they see beyond the scope of the normal psychologists and they do not give meds..they are team with a psychiatrist only when it is recommended does the team decide a med comes up..the girls need to learn what a good man is compared to a not so good man for a good relationship

@missy4396

I am going back to work today, I don’t have time to read everyone’s posts this morning. i will this evening. I feel better when I’m working. Wish me luck. 2 day paycheck this week is better then a 0 day paycheck. How do I follow people on here? and have people follow me? Thank you!!!

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@missy4396, like @danybegood1 said, if you are replying by email it is best to click on the VIEW & REPLY button at the bottom of the email so that you will be taken to the full discussion and will be able to see everyone’s posts in order.

To follow a specific member:

– Click on their username
– You will then be directed to their page that shows all of a members posts
– Under one of the posts will be a + FOLLOW
– Click on that you will then be alerted of that members posts

@missy4396

I am going back to work today, I don’t have time to read everyone’s posts this morning. i will this evening. I feel better when I’m working. Wish me luck. 2 day paycheck this week is better then a 0 day paycheck. How do I follow people on here? and have people follow me? Thank you!!!

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Thank you Judy…that’s what I’ll do just view and reply. My mom has the itching symptom (it is worse when she is anxious) But it’s not all anxiety, doctor says it’s an allergy. Any way she takes over the counter Benadryl and that helps her. Maybe you could check with your doctor and see if there is something like that you could take. It also comes in a cream. Thank you Judy…Hope you are feeling better.

@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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Hello @giggyg, Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! Your post didn’t seem to go through. Would you like to try again?

@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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@beemerw47 I don’t know if I did this correctly to reply to you. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I do admire your outlook on life with all you have gown through. I did talk badly about my girls dad to them when we were going through our divorce. I do not say anyy thing about their dad today.

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