My depression never seems to end
I am new to this group, I just happened to find it today. I get the monthly depression online readings from Mayo Clinic. I turned 50 on Monday. I have stayed in denial. I know this may not seem like a bad age, however it is for me. I have been divorced for 15 years. I have never remarried. I have 2 beautiful daughters, they are 29 and 21. I rarely see either one of them. I am a recovering alcoholic as well. I do attend meetings, see a counselor, work with a sponsor and sponsor other ladies in the program. I see a psychiatrist and I do take a couple anti-depressants. I have been hospitalized two times in patient and several times in partial day treatment. I do work, however I haven’t this week. I don’t get paid if I don’t work. So financially I’m messed up. I’ve been physically sick and should be going back to work tomorrow. I live paycheck to paycheck and I can’t afford to even miss an hours work. I was sober for 17 years until my divorce. I started drinking very heavily again, my girls were 16 and 9. Neither one of them had seen me drink up until that time. I did a lot of damage as they were growing up. This is why I rarely see them or talk to them. I am very lonely and hat this life I live. I have a diagnosis of severe depression with recurring episodes. I have been in counseling for years. This is a horrible disease and I feel like I have had very little relief over the last 15 years. My doctor and I both agree that I don’t respond well to antidepressants. I have tried them all. I am not suicidal by any means. But I feel like I have no reason to be here. I have no purpose….I’m so lonely and regret the past. I once had a very happy family…normal family. My girls are in contract with their day regularly. My youngest lives with him. He is also an alcoholic and I believe an addict. He is a functional alcoholic where I am not. I don’t want to drink, not do I want to be so miserable any more. I don’t know what else to do….feeling very hopeless and days I just want to give up!!! I am blessed to still have both my parents, I do feel like they are my only real family!!