When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area.
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@jimhd, Thanks Jim, I'm jealous. Always wanted flowers and veggies. My well will go dry if I attempt to water a veggie garden, even laid down a drip system with a timer but no good. I posted a picture of my place and it shows a fenced off place 14'x14'. I thought I could do with a small garden and needed that fencing, still not good enough. Would cost 8-10 thousand to drill a well so I make do with my old shallow well.
I'll put up a pic on why I needed the fencing.
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@muppey And still in velvet!!!! They can destroy a garden quickly. Nice capture. Thank you for sharing!
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@jimhd How delightful. My thumbs are turning greener
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Wow — just gorgeous, @jimhd! What nice talent you have!
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@parus,
This conversation is making me smile again, thanks to all.
I've got another picture when there were more than twelve bucks munching in my yard. Then you look around and there are more laying down but hard to count. Landlord is a hunter and was impressed. I don't hunt.
Hey greenthumbs, I can enjoy other things other than a garden. I've got 9 walnut trees, pear tree, an old plum which produces some but not munch, nice blossoms though. All my stuff is growing by itself. Used to have potted plants on the deck but with four years of drought I couldn't even afford to water them, had to haul water from two miles away. Got an army surplus water bladder built for helicopters but I found an old trailer which can handle 250 gallons of water, gotta drive slow but the jeep is strong. Brother Steve gave it to me.
And I'm all out of cigars, but got a nicorete lozenge going.
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@jimhd, I had to read that again. I've had run ins with a few preachers over the years and they can be kind of unkind. Anyway that comment is funny. Thanks for another laugh.
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I went back to doctor today because of the panic attacks. She gave me Xanax to take as needed which is great because I did not want to be on anything long term. Thanks for the prayers God knows I need them.
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@littleonefmohio, OK, call me weak, I just got back from the store where I bought five cigars. Fat ones. I've been sucking on those nicotine lozenges and that's no fun. Not a candy sucker either.
Don't follow my example, this is the first day. I hope you're able to stop smoking.
How's the heart ache doing? You doing any better? These things hang on for far to long. How do you get a loved one out of your mind along with missing them?
Still hurts here but it's getting more like spring and the pear trees trying to blossom.
Today I got an email from Mary's sister, it was nice, they find and rebuild really rare old house trailers. It's kind of amazing because Dan snoops these trailers out and when he gets there the things are sometimes partly buried and total wrecks. He brought one to a Murphys show at a fancy winery so naturally we went to see the thing. It was amazing what the guy did on that trailer. What got me is the thing had a littleone log wood burner just tucked up and fire safe.
I replied to them and told them I wouldn't be going down to Lodi for their next show in April, not supposed to drive and it's to far for me.
Anyway I'll keep your stop smoking in mind. And I will not promise I'll stop, but I will say I'll try. To much money anyway.
Take care!
Mark
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@parus, When I first got here in 98 I planted a few mellons. I'd noticed the hippies had great plans with a huge water system and grape stakes and they abandoned it all. Anyway I looked at that and thought I'd do a small plot without fencing. Everything was fine until things got ripe. Went out there one morning and just naked vines stretching out like a goofy octopus, with no suckers.
What?
Take care!
Mark
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@missy4396 If you go to the bottom of the email you will find an "unsubscribe" link. However, you will need to "unsubscribe" from each discussion group from which you receive emails. Give that a try.
Teresa
I put up the fence for the same reason, as well as to keep the dogs out. I learned that the 5' fence wasn't enough to keep the deer out, so I added some 10' t-stakes and ran a few strands of barbed wire. Trouble is, the gophers and voles still wreak havoc, both in the garden and in the lawn out in front of the house. It's an ongoing battle.
Our well was lowered to 110' a few years ago, but I can only run one sprinkler at a time. I don't want to pour more money down that hole, so we try not to ask more of it than it can deliver. I have around a dozen soaker hoses in the garden and flower beds – more than a dozen, and run a low flow of pressure to them. Too much pressure makes them become fountains. Using soakers instead of sprinklers helps keep the weeds down. Weed barrier cloth and mulch help, too.
My landscaping goal is to make it lower maintenance and less irrigation. And deer repelling. They love roses, so I only have one, a climber, and have fencing around it. I have to have fencing around the orchard, as well. Deer have done serious damage to a few of the trees.
We have a real problem with ground squirrels, too. I spent a lot of time in the spring and summer trapping them. The locals call them sage rats, but they're technically Townsend ground squirrels. They make big holes in the pasture, and I'm afraid a horse or cow will step in them and be injured. Often when a horse breaks a leg it has to be put down. That's a substantial financial loss.
Well, the sun is shining, so I should probably get outside and do something.
Jim
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pumkinpie I'm sorry for your loss I lost my grandma last year in october 2017 she smoked all her life too she had cancer for 5 years and her and I would share stories and laught or cry over the years sometimes we didn't get along but we was very close she was a strong woman I keep waking up at 3 too 5 am every morning for the first time I last night I slept a good few hours got up at 8 am. I hope God heals you too.
@muppey
@littleonefmohio,
There's more to that but I'm not upset at the hospital. The Privacy Officer chick tried to get me to reveal the xray chicks name but I didn't want to get her fired. Instead the Privacy chick said she'd send a memo through out the hospital. They actually stood to face a payment to me up to $150,000. Could use that but I don't want to be vindictive which I think demeans a person. Gossip can do that job for me…Hah!
Got a letter from her and she include the memo which is a HIPAA list of do's and don'ts which states pretty clearly that what the xray chick did is punishable to the hospital.
I'm satisfied with that.
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